Another Friday, Another Scope

We had to be at the hospital by 9:00 am and I didn't pull back into my driveway until 5:30 pm. What a long day. Dennis' procedure was supposed to be at 10:30. I think it was a little past noon when they finally took him back. He went through two bags of IV fluid. He normally does not use up one bag.

For whatever reason I was a little worried with this scope today. Not sure why, but just an uneasy feeling. Dennis' comforting words to me before his procedure, "I'll either wake up to see you or wake up to see Ian. I'm OK either way." That made me feel just great! He woke up to see me, poor guy. He is not feeling very good tonight. I made him some cup o' soup and ginger ale to try and help his nausea and sore throat.

Exciting evening here tonight at the Hardison's. I am thankful to share it with the love of my life!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

I am so happy that Nathan needs his momma so much. Right now that is the only thing keeping me alive. I know how much he depends on me coming to see him and talking to him twice a week. Right now, my focus is to be around for the next time he calls. My depression this winter has been nearly unbearable. I have seen my family doctor. I am seeing my counselor. And I have had a massage. Nothings working so far. Hanging on by a thread.
The more I am trying to work through this overbearing, crushing weight on my heart and my mind, the more I am aware of things that I don't like about me however they may also be the things keeping me alive. One of them is how little I trust people. To say it out loud it sounds horrible. How can I not trust people. Most people are good and trustworthy. That's what my logical brain thinks, but it is not what my hurting heart feels. I am so afraid that if I die no one will visit Nathan or write to him that I refuse to give into my own desire to give up and throw in the towel. It never ceases to amaze me the number of people who claim to love Nathan and pray for him and ask about him, but they are too busy to write him a note of encouragement or to send him a letter to see how he is really doing. This brings out another awareness for me.
People really make me angry. Especially those who wear their Christianity all over themselves like a car covered with too many bumper stickers. Saying you are a Christian doesn't make you one. Loving people and caring for them like Jesus would have, that's what makes you a Christian. Does your life even remotely look like Jesus? Mine doesn't. I'll be the first to admit that. Of course you don't see me bumper sticking my religion all over myself and my Facebook page either. I am choosing to keep my thoughts about Christ to myself until I figure things out a little better myself. My continuous struggle with depression has me doubting my faith in God and if I can even really qualify to be a true Christ follower. I will say that I am honest about my feelings, no matter how dark they are.
I visited Nathan today. Six years behind bars. Kentucky's legal system is really screwed up. That's all I have to say about that.

Crossroads 9th Annual Super Bowl of Preaching

WOW! I don't know what else to say. My weekend started on Saturday morning when I left my house about 9:15 am and headed North across the Ohio River to Crossroads to volunteer for Super Bowl Weekend. This year I was on the stage crew so that meant a commitment for the entire six services. Seven if you count the rehearsal.

My legs will never be the same. Its a long way up from the stage to the catwalks. I have no idea how many trips up and down the stairs we made, but 6,000 balloons in black bags were back stage and all of them had to be taken up to the catwalks for release during the halftime show. There were seven of us on the catwalk crew. We dropped 1,000 balloons each service. The Crossroads band was featured and they were great. The balloon drop was during the last song, "Tonight's gonna be a good night". I think The Black-eyed Peas sing this one for real, I'm not sure though. I listen to NPR, not the popular music stations.

Once the band started this song we got ready. All of the bags had already been placed and the large trash bags were untied, each containing ~50 balloons. When the lights went out and there were only black lights we started emptying the bags. The balloons glowed in the black lights and the audience went crazy. They were screaming and cheering! It was so cool. The last service, every bag that remained was staged out in the catwalks. What goes up, must come down and we were not carrying any of the balloons down. I just kept emptying and emptying the bags of balloons. I would love to know the decibel level in that place when the halftime show concluded. It was so loud in there with all of the applause and cheering. The auditorium holds 3500 people so you can imagine in a packed house how loud it got.

Besides the stair climbing workout over the weekend, we were also on the clean up the stage crew. Paper confetti and popped balloons can really make a mess. I loved it when kids took the balloons out with them, that meant there were less balloons to pick up off the floor. Actually the balloons weren't so hard to clean up, but the paper confetti, what a mess. It was really cool when it shot out of the confetti cannons at the announcement of the team line up. Our senior pastor, Brian Tome represented Pittsburgh and he loved it because he is originally from Pittsburgh and is a big fan. Our teaching pastor, Chuck Mingo represented Green Bay. Of course midway through his first quarter of preaching he pulled of his Green Bay shirt and instead had on a Michael Vick, Philadelphia jersey. He is from Philly. His line - Once an Eagle fan always an Eagle fan. He received a penalty for illegal man on the field since Vick doesn't pay for either team in the super bowl. Needless to say it was an interesting day.

It is called the Super Bowl of Preaching because both pastors are competing with each other to win the championship. I didn't stay for the end of the 6th game, however up until then it was Mingo 3 wins and Tomes 2 wins, so either Mingo won it outright or they ended in a tie. I'll have to find out tomorrow night when I am back up at Crossroads.

I think the funniest part of the game this year was the new rule where they would have to use a random phrase from the audience and incorporate it in their message for the 9 minute quarter they were preaching. Every service there were four new random phrases ranging from simple things like Ozark Mountains to its better when done on shag carpet to Live from New York, it's Saturday night. They were so funny bringing these phrases into the message.

The actual message for the weekend was great as well. It was all about Peter and redemption through Christ. It talked about Peter boldly proclaiming to Jesus that he would never forsake him. Then when Peter denied knowing Jesus three times, just as Jesus told Peter he would. It then went on to Jesus pursuing Peter and redeeming him as the rock that the church would be built upon. They tied in a lot about Michael Vick and how he has managed to turn his life around and redeeming himself. He had to admit that he had done wrong. He even had to pay a penalty for his wrongs. And he asked humbly to be reinstated into the NFL. And he had a fantastic season this year. We are the church and we are all about redemption. Vick is an example of modern day redemption. The messages were great!

I love Super Bowl weekend. It is one of the few times each year that Aaron will come to church. He brought Celeste and Austin and they loved it! I think Celeste would probably come to Crossroads fairly regularly if Aaron would. I keep hoping the Kentucky campus of Crossroads comes to fruition. It is on the list of places Crossroads is looking at to build another campus. I know that if they do start a Crossroads Northern Kentucky, Dennis and I will be part of the team of volunteers that help get it up and running. Aaron said if Crossroads wasn't so far away he would probably go because he does like the church. I'm gonna hold him to that. As much as I love, love, love Crossroads Oakley, I would transfer to Crossroads Northern Kentucky in a heartbeat if it meant Aaron would start coming to church.

I'm watching for a good picture to be posted of the balloons. I have seen a few of them but they were with camera phones and pretty blurry. I didn't take my camera because I was looking down at the service from the eagle eye view. And I was pretty busy during the balloon drop so I couldn't have taken a picture anyway.

I almost forgot the Super Bowl commercials. The funniest one was the Ford, F-150 Hyde Park Edition. It was poking fun at the rich people who live in the Hyde Park community here in Cincinnati. The other one was poking fun at all the car insurance commercials and saving money when you switch to Geico or Nationwide or Progressive or State Farm. There were others I am sure but I can't remember them all. It was a great commercial. When we left I noticed a car in the parking lot with the Geico logo on it. I wonder how funny they thought the commercial was.

We also had the color commentary staring Brad Johansen, Wayne "Box" Miller, and Solomon Wilcox, local celebrities and sports news casters in the Cincinnati area who attend Crossroads. They were so funny commenting on the messages or the flags that were thrown by the official and just about the weekend over all. It was fun, Fun, FUN! If you are in Cincinnati next Super Bowl weekend, this is a show you will not want to miss. It is one of our highest attended weekends each year!

My other creative brain took me hostage!

My best friend Kathi wanted to know why I haven't been updating my blog lately. Well, I have only one excuse, my other creative brain took over and has been remodeling my master suite in my home and taking all my time. Seriously - I work all day at my paying job and then I work all night and every weekend on my use up all my pay job. I am getting close to being finished, the granite counter is installed on Tuesday. The vessel sink and faucet will be hooked up after that. There is a small amount of woodwork on needing one more coat of polyurethane and then it can be installed.

Then only the decorating remains which means I will have to go shopping and I hate shopping. Luckily I have been collecting items from my trips to South Africa and I am using a lot of that stuff to get me started. I need to buy some photo frames for some of those things. Tonight I ordered bedroom curtains, and some pillows online - 1 shopping trip avoided. I also had to order 1 blue bath towel to replace the one that turned lavender in the wash. I took my red Christmas table cloth off and thought I could wash it in with my towels and it wouldn't be a problem. For my burnt orange towel no issue at all. For my white ankle socks and the white kitchen towel, they are now a beautiful shade of pink - exactly like the breast cancer pink. I actually like the ankle socks and can't wait to get to wear them. Poor Dennis' light blue towel didn't make it though and the lavender color will just not work in the bathroom. Oh well, it will get used in the other bath.

I still need a chair, small table, and a lamp for the corner of my room. I actually have enough room for a chair in my room now - it is so cool! I don't have enough clothes to fill up my closet - I love it. All of my clothes are out of my room.

Here is a couple of pictures of the progress so far. Once we have completed it all, I can post more.











Austin demolishing the walls to my old craft room. Half of the room is now my closet and half is the new bathroom.



The original bathroom for the house.
















Here are two views of the new bathroom. I'll add the vanity shots after Tuesday! I am so excited that I will finally be able to use the entire bathroom in a couple of days!


I will try to do better about writing about my life. This has been a very busy 3 months.

86 Sticks of Butter

I have been part of two weight loss challenges since the middle of July. Actually I have been the winner of two weight loss challenges since the middle of July. And now in the middle of November, I am 21 1/2 pounds lighter and loving it. I cannot even remember the last time I weighed my current weight. I am only about 20 pounds away from my goal weight!

It has not been easy but then again it has not been that hard. I have been drinking a protein shake for breakfast and lunch. I usually have some high protein snacks in the morning and afternoon. Then for dinner I eat whatever the rest of the family eats. I watch my portion sizes and I don't eat a lot of fat nor a lot of sugar. I like fruits and veggies. I have added soy milk a couple of times a day too. I also take vitamins a couple of times a day so I physically feel really good. I need to get my mind to participate in the feel good challenge!

Right now this is one thing going well in my life. I need to track as many of these happy thoughts as I can.

October - I'm already feeling the big fall!

It is hitting early and hard this year. I am already bothered that the Winter holiday's will be coming soon. The holiday's that I used to love at some time during this life are now dreadful to me. I wish I could just work right through them and pretend they aren't there. All they are for me is a painful punch in the gut that I would prefer not to have.

I live the pain everyday but at Thanksgiving and Christmas the pain is magnified to the point I feel like saying goodbye to life. Times for being thankful and spending time with family only remind me of what I've lost and who I no longer have in my life. I hate Christmas morning! It is the worst morning of the year! I wish I could sleep right past the day. Christmas morning in my dreams would have been at least my kids, their girlfriends or wives around, and grandchildren, several of them. I had dreams of cooking a yummy meal, giving gifts, and just hanging out being silly and having fun all day. Now I wake up to an empty house. Dennis and I are here and Aaron, and that's it. If it weren't for Austin, I would do nothing at Christmas, no tree, no decorations, no cards, probably no presents either. I don't want to celebrate, I want my family back. That would be something to celebrate.

I found out Nathan's life was once again in danger, this time at his new prison. There were some inmates that decided to catch his dorm on fire. I am so done with him being there. I watch the news and see people who have murdered someone and serve less time than Nathan is serving. We are coming up on 5 years behind bars for about $750 worth of gaming systems and cash. No one physically hurt. No long history of crime. A first offense at 18 years of age and he has been in prison ever since. He turns 23 next week. Maybe that is why I am so raw right now. I won't even be able to spend the day with him. I will visit right before his birthday and we will eat a lunch from the vending machine. I cannot bake a cake for him. I cannot send him presents. I cannot even call him on the phone.

His remaining in prison for so long has really pushed me away from God. I don't read the bible and feel like I reading God's love story for me. I read it and wonder if it really happened. Were there really miracles? Were prison doors really opened? Does God really give people the desires of their heart? I don't see those things in my life and I find them harder and harder to believe. I have found myself pulling farther and farther away, by choice. I find it hard to trust in a God that is not evident in my life. Either the Bible is not really true and inspired by God or I do not mean anything to God.

I went to the doctor the other day and we were talking about my depression. He asked me, "What do you do for fun?" I answered nothing. I cannot think of one thing currently that I do for fun except travel and I can't do that everyday. And if that realization wasn't enough, the last 3 weeks at Crossroads the messages have been about Play and how God wants us to have fun and play and enjoy our lives. He is a playful God and full of joy. Hmm, I don't really see that. They did talk yesterday about making a play bucket list. I have been thinking about that since I heard about it. I have started my list. . .

• Learn to scuba and then go diving in Fiji
• Zip-line through the rain forest
• Take swimming lessons so I know how to do it the right way for lap swimming

Only the 3 so far, but at least I am thinking about it.

I didn't get the manager job so I will continue in the role I currently have. I'm OK with this since I do like my job and I like my boss. That is always a good thing!

Reflecting

I love vacations without a plan. I knew how I would arrive at my destination. I knew where I would stay. I had my swimsuit, some shorts and tanks, flip flops, books, and my toothbrush. That is all I needed to know or have.

I came on vacation with no expectations at least as far as where I would go or what I would do. My plan was sun, pool, book - all day, everyday. Most people would find this boring, but for me it was a well deserved rest and a time for reflecting about my life, my job, my family, my church, and the rest of my life. What do I really want to be when I grow up? I am, after all 48 already and isn't it about time I were doing what I was put on earth to do? Shouldn't I have discovered what I am passionate about by now? Instead I feel stuck in a place that is stagnant. I want to be moving forward and not held back. I want to be like a catapult set free. Pushed back and back until the tension is stretched tighter than one could imagine and then swoosh, in one split second, all those things holding me down and keeping me from running after my passion, my dream, my destiny just let go. Nothing stopping me I fly forward able to reach places even farther than my dreams. That is where I want to be, out there, doing something that is bigger than me.

I just don't know what that something is. I don't know how to get there. I don't know what it is I want.

New job? I will be interviewing for a new role at work when I return from vacation. It is an opportunity to have a team that I would manage. Not a new team but an existing one that is tired of the job the way it is. Can I make enough of a difference in their lives to change the way they think about the work they do each day? Will I be able to ignite passion inside of them that has also been held back? Do I want to deal with the political atmosphere that also comes with the job of manager? How will I manage? Will my compassion show through? How difficult will it be to balance the kindness of my natural instinct with the performance expectations of the firm? I don't want to come across as tough or mean, however I don't want to be thought of as wimpy or walked all over. What is that balance of compassion and leadership?

My thoughts about management are, a good manager first knows their people. What do they like, dislike? What is their home-life like? Are they married, single, in a relationship? Do they have kids, no kids, pets? Do they like their job? What would they like to change about their job? What are their skills and strengths? Do they get to use them in their current role? Is there a way to incorporate them into their role?

My mind just goes on and on and on sometimes as I think about this management opportunity. I have a fear about even interviewing for the role? Why should I be chosen to lead this team? What special, unique talent is with in me that I am so passionate about it ignites my words with excitement and enthusiasm just to talk about it? Will that talent be the one needed to fill this role? Am I the spark that can inspire this team to greatness?

My weight - I am back down to having lost over 100 pounds again. I had been a little careless and gained about 7 pounds but those are off and I am continuing to lose about 1.5 pounds per week. It is tough, but I am determined to not gain back the weight that was so difficult to lose. I haven't gotten into exercise as much as I need to, but I am at least eating healthy. I have also stopped having wine every night. It was an unhealthy habit that I was getting a little too comfortable with, so I just stopped. I certainly didn't need the extra calories with no nutritional value. I am doing some exercise while on vacation, but not the gym workout exercise, the fun exercise. Swimming in the pool with my grandson. Climbing the stairs to the top of the water-slide and then sliding down to splash in the pool at the end. If I can find fun exercise to keep doing even after I return home, odds are I will keep exercising.

Speaking of swimming, its already 9 am. The pool has been open since 7. I think I'll get my suit on and jump in. I'll have plenty of time to reflect more after while.

Three years later

It's pretty hard to imagine that it's been three years since Ian went to Heaven. Time has a way of putting distance to the hurts, but in one sweeping moment, it fast forwards and hit's you right in the face. As we approach this date, it is bittersweet. I miss him a lot and sometimes it almost seems like I cannot remember special things that we did together, and then there are other moments that are so crystal clear and they bring a great big smile to my face. It seems like one of those moments now. When Ian passed away, there were so many flowers and plants that were given to us. Although we have managed to not kill all the plants, I will never be confused with someone who has a green thumb, there were a lot of flowers that we harvested the bulbs from. We planted them in out flower beds in the front of the house, but they never came up.......until this year. We have THREE yellow daffodils! It's like God saying, I remember, just like you do. I love the remembrance of the day, the flowers are so pretty, and God is saying, in his own special way, I am taking care of him for you. Thanks

Depression is an ugly beast.

It sneaks up on you and drags you through the slimy pits of hell.

Slowly at first, befriending you like your favorite jeans.

It wraps itself around you like a hug from an old friend.

But it keeps squeezing and squeezing.

Zapping the life out of you.

Taking your every breath.

Depleting any energy you have.

Nothing matters anymore.

Exhaustion.

Completely shutting down.

Will the sun ever shine again?

Is there a way out?

Where is some relief?

Too tired to figure it out right now.

Crawling in bed to sleep it off.

What is Free?

Free - what is Free? Our all church journey for 2010 is about Freedom and letting go of things that keep us in bondage and becoming Free in Christ. I am not feeling the freedom in this journey. I have decided to get in a small group, and the people are great. I am having so much fun and am laughing at some of the stories that come up each week as people are getting Free. To watch it is a cool thing. The not so cool thing is that I am not free, I am not finding freedom, and I am not progressing in my walk with Christ. I am at this unusual place that I find myself surprised to be at actually.

All of my life I have pretty much believed that Christ died for me and is my Saviour as the true son of God. Now I have doubts. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, I can't seem to make up my mind on this. It's not that I don't believe in God, how can anyone look around at the beauty of the world we live in and not believe in a Supreme being. I mean really, if you think the earth just crashed and came to be, you are clueless. Hello, if it were that simple, why haven't we intelligent human beings figured it out yet. So, thankfully, the God part is still in tact. I think where I am having trouble is that Jesus really loves me, one little human on the earth full of billions of people. I have trouble believing that the son of God would love me so much that he would die just to show me he loved me. I am just a human body that is on earth and lives everyday the best I can, but I am overall not very significant.

Last night I opened up a little bit and stated how I am feeling right now. It is a little weird because most of the people in my small group are so into God and Jesus and are finding the freedom they are seeking. I feel like an outsider in some ways, however they still are open and accepting of me, even in my odd current state. That is a cool thing, because in normal churches I would be an outcast or a sinner, or my thoughts would be evil. I don't believe I am any of those things, just a human asking a questions. My group does not judge me for asking questions about God and if I really matter to him. In fact, some of them have been there and get where I am right now. That is a nice peaceful feeling for me since how I have felt is actually stressful.

Maybe the fact that I am able to be honest about where I am right now is freedom. The fact that I can ask questions to God and even doubt God and still be loved by God, maybe that is freedom.

We are praying for one person in our group this week. I am praying for a spouse that wants to be able to be open and fully share with his wife the things he normally keeps inside. My prayer request was to 'see God'. Dennis is the person praying for me. At first I felt like he should not have been the person that got me, but after I thought about it, there is no one in the group that really knows how hard I am struggling like Dennis does. He is the one person I trust to share all my doubts, fears, and lost dreams with. He knows me like no one. He is the one I can share everything with. So, a prayer request that only says 'see God', makes sense to him. More to him than anyone else. I am glad he pulled my request. When we talk about it next week, it will be freeing to know that the person who loves me more than anyone in the whole world, has prayed for me each and every day this week, that God would open my eyes so I can see Him.

The one person who really gets me, my faults and my good qualities, prayed that I would be open and see God. WOW! That is so cool. It may or may not change things or make things better, but it was a prayer, to God from the only person who loves me as much as God. Maybe that is what freedom is about. I don't really know, but I am open to hear from God and hopefully, sometime in the few weeks that remain of our small group, see God. That is my prayer, on this day, at this time in my life!