Mother's Day 2016

It is Mother's Day and I am going through so many emotions because this has been a very eventful week!

Monday, I had the privilege of picking up Nathan after 10 1/2 years and bringing him home from prison. This momma has waited a long time for him to be back at home and I am so thankful to have him here. I won't even begin to convince you that everything has been perfect, because it has not been. There is a lot of garbage that has been piled up on him while he was incarcerated that we have to work through and out. We knew this going in and we are in it for the long haul. We have discovered this week that if we keep him a little busy with things he seems to do better because he is not constantly thinking about things.

He is a long way from free. He meets with a parole officer over the next year or so on a regular basis to make sure he successfully gets incorporated back into society. He is subject to random drug and/or alcohol tests. We could at any time have our home searched for alcohol, drugs, and/or weapons contained here. That was one of the stipulations for his release to not have anything in our house. We never did have the weapons or drugs, but the wine cabinet had to be cleaned out before his arrival. I do miss my glass or two of wine I had grown accustomed to having each night, but it is well worth doing without to have him back. This is such a minor sacrifice and so worth it to me.

We spent several days this week getting his photo ID, going to the optometrist and ordering glasses, requesting a replacement social security card, getting clothes. I had scheduled vacation days as soon as I knew for sure he would be coming home and when. I am glad I did. It gave us lots of time to talk, not talk, and work through things and get him settled in.

Thursday was also a very significant day for me. One year ago on the fifth of May my dad died and so Thursday was the anniversary of that. He so wanted Nathan to come home. Every time I talked to him he asked about Nathan and how he was doing. Even when he did not remember my other boys names, he always remembered to ask me about Nathan and he always remembered his name. He would have been down here on Monday if he were still alive. That is how important it was to him. It made me especially sad knowing that he had almost made it to when Nathan got home, just a year short. I thought about my dad all week, but even more on Thursday, the fifth of May.

The day was also significant to me because after 17 years of working at Fidelity Investments, I turned in my laptop, corporate credit card and ID card on Thursday. I technically worked for Fidelity through Friday, but all of my stuff was turned in on Thursday. I thought it would be tough and I would be so sad after so many years, but not really. The past 3 years have not been fun for me. I landed in a role that I really did not like. I had looked for a job internally but just really did not find anything that interested me so I instead looked outside of the company and found a new position. So on Thursday, I said goodbye to Fidelity and hello to life.

Saturday was my happy place because we opened the pool, or should I say pond, at least that was what it looked and smelled like. Nothing a couple of boxes of shock could not fix! In fact as I write this blog post today the blue color has returned and I can almost see to the bottom of the deep end of the pool. We will do some vacuuming and the filter is running pretty much nonstop right now as we are cleaning it all out. Opening the pool is so significant to me each year because it symbolizes that summer is nearly here. It is supposed to be cool this week so we will not turn on the heater yet, but hopefully after that we can start warming the pool up getting ready for the Memorial Day weekend. We always do something that weekend and while it may or may not be warm enough to get in the water, we will spend some time in the lounge chairs enjoying the pool.

Sunday is nearly perfect! For the first time in 9 years I had Mother's Day with two of my sons. Nathan and Aaron bought me a beautiful flower, Italian Heather, I have never seen anything like it. I was hoping to put it out by the pool but it is only hearty outdoors in zones 10-11. Since we are in zone 6 I can put it outside in a pot for the summer and then bring it back in for the fall/winter. It is beautiful! I also got a picture made with my boys!

Perfection would have been if I had my Ian here too, but he can only be here in my memories of him. I miss him every day. I am grateful for everyday that I did have him with me and I am very grateful for my other boys who I still have with me.

You would think things would slow down a little after such a busy week but alas I have at least a couple more days of excitement before I get back into a routine. Tomorrow is my first day on my job with RR Donnelley. I happened upon this opening when talking with one of my coworkers and expressing to them I was looking for a new job. He immediately told me about this position and connected me up with the hiring manager. My experience over the past 17 years made me the perfect candidate for the job. RR Donnelley is the company that will be handling all of the printing work for Fidelity. Much of this work was done internally previously however it was recently determined that it should be handled with a printing company. They needed a handful of people with Fidelity knowledge that were willing to change companies and I decided this was my time for a change.

I am so very excited about tomorrow. I dubbed this year as the year of change and I was willing to make changes. We finished up the Brave journey at church today, so how appropriate that I move into the new job that I was seeking as part of the Brave journey. I had charted my course early stating that I wanted a new job by June 1. I beat that date by nearly a month! I am ready for a fresh start!

And lastly Tuesday will be our annual celebration of Ian's life! This is the first time ever that Nathan will be here for one of these celebrations. He was already incarcerated when Ian died. We do a balloon send off and a shot of Captain Morgan's each year on Ian's birthday. We also have a juice of some kind for anyone who does not drink. I have not decided if I will do a shot of Captain or if I will have a shot of grape juice. Since Nathan cannot have alcohol, I may just have the grape juice along with him. It will be the first time I do not take a shot of Captain so I am just not decided at this moment what I will do. I guess when the time comes I will make my choice and not worry about it. My promise was not to have alcohol in my house and I will not.

So as you can see, this has been an emotional roller coaster of a week. I said I wanted change and boy am I getting change. I knew it would not always be easy and that's OK. Life easy is life boring! I would rather have the roller coaster and feel all of the emotions, both good and bad.

Happy Mother's Day!

Wednesday, January 6, 2015

It is Wednesday evening. A few hours ago I turned all of my ongoing work to my back-ups who will be covering for me as I take a much needed recovery vacation. I am working on winding down tonight with some Malbec. I have been freshly waxed. My nails are done. My pedicure is lovely. I am not packed, however all of my dress clothes for dinner each night are layed out along with the coordinated wig for each night, and all of my accessories.

I will have 4 days in Orlando, with no car, at a beautiful resort, with my Kindle and a lounge chair to prepare for a wonderful cruise after that. I really get frustrated that it will take me several days to detach from my job that I really do not like at all, so that I can enjoy a vacation of fun with friends. I recovered last year from a terrible fourth quarter at work. This year my only plan is to get a new job. One that makes sense to me and is black and white. I am so done with the gray.

It is not going to be an easy change. I am actually studying now for my Series 26 exam. My goal is to get that license so that I can hopefully get one of several positions that will be opening up this year. Having this certification will bump me up in the list of candidates as it will be one less thing I need to do in order to move into the role.

I am grateful today that this year I will get 31 days of paid vacation that I can take at any time I want. And my almost 2 week vacation is only costing me 7 of those days. It is going to be a good year! Looking forward to the full 2016!

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Today I am grateful for rehearsal and run thorough pre-live-production at Crossroads.

There were no rehearsal tapes to use so the lyrics were not in the correct order with what was being sung. After the run through I was able to connect with the band and get the order and correct words to the songs, edit the slides before the live production and the service went on with no glitches due to my serving role.

Good day today!

January 1, 2016

This year I want to write more and stress less. Even if I only write a few sentences each day, I want to try and capture my thoughts and feelings. I want to take a moment to express things I am thankful for. If something funny happens one day then I want to jot that down so I can look back and laugh. If my day was sad or trying in someway, I want to contemplate the events and find a better outcome. Or at least capture the event as one to remember and hopefully learn from.

My word for the year is Change. I want things in my life to be ever changing. I would like to change jobs. I would like change the way I look and feel. I want my home to change and be a welcome place for my son to come home to after 10 years of being away. Change is coming for 2016.

Today I am grateful that I was at my mom's house for New Years Day. We went to breakfast at Bob Evan's and then spent the day with Mom, Darla, and Gabriel visiting with each other. Later in the afternoon we had our traditional pork and sauerkraut meal for health and prosperity for the year ahead.

We surprised Mom yesterday when Aaron and Celeste and Dennis and I went up to Cuyahoga Falls to celebrate David's birthday. We did not tell Mom we were coming, but David and Darla helped us coordinate it all. Darla picked Mom up and brought her to Dave's house for his birthday and we were there. It was great, she had no idea! It was fun to see her smiling face again as 2015 was a very difficult year for her with Dad's death. We were able to get a great picture of all of us together. I believe 2016 is going to be joyful for our family.

Daddy!

So, this weekend was a good weekend at church (Crossroads Florence, KY)! Dennis and I serve on the production team once a month at Crossroads. What that means is, I run the lyrics and any other slides being used for the weekend services. Dennis actually runs the service from his control booth. This weekend was part of a series called Daddy Issues. It was the third week of the series, but for Dennis and I the first weekend we had been a part of any services.

I heard a song this weekend, I am guessing it was written by the Crossroads music team called, "Good, good father". I loved it! I am not sure, maybe part of it was because I just lost my dad in May of this year, or maybe just because it was a great song to harmonize to. Not sure why, but i loved it! Actually the entire service was cool. They showed a clip from the Patriot and from Pursuit of Happiness. Both of them nearly brought me to tears. Why you ask? Because I could see my dad in both of the roles.

If someone had ever, ever tried to harm me in some way, My dad would have come for me with everything he had. I could see him loading up his guns and taking out every one who had harmed me. I can also see my dad as that dad that would do everything in his power to make sure I never looked down upon myself but instead just knew that he loved me and I was his good child.

Anyways, the words of just the chorus were, "Your a good, good father, it's who you are, it's who you are, its who you are." "And I'm loved by you, it's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am." It was in the perfect key, the perfect sing along song. Not sure why I loved it so much, but may be it was because I thought of my daddy and I wish I had known it when he was alive so I could have sung it to him. He was a good, good father and I was very much loved by him!

The service was very good. It made me cry to myself, a lot. I miss my daddy. More than I ever thought I would. I am so very thankful that I know he loved me and I loved him. I don't have Daddy Issues. For those of you who do. I pray that you can find a way to forgive them and move on with your life. I pray that you know that God as your father is not necessarily like your physical dad was. He's a good, good father! And you are loved by him!

Fall is in the air. . .Makes me :(

Today marks a very sad day for me. It was the last day of 2015 that I will be in my pool. The air temperature was 76 and the pool temperature was 89 but it was chilly and it was time to turn the heater off. I am so glad that I did get into the pool today, followed by the hot tub to warm up. The heater is now officially off and on October 2nd it will be closed for the year with the winter cover on.

I am so glad that we bought a heater this year. It was well worth the money. This is the latest we have ever swam in our backyard pool. Usually by Labor day it starts getting so cool that we cannot even get in the pool. Also, in the evenings we don't get home until about 6 and so we were only swimming in the pool on the weekends until this year. We were able to get in the pool nearly every night if we wanted to or had the time.

The back yard is looking so good. In fact, our neighbors dog got inside the fence this afternoon when Dennis was bringing in some wood. Its a puppy and did not want to be caught, so the neighbor came in the back yard to get the dog. His description for our pool area was that it was very cozy back here. What a great description of our pool area, that's how I feel about it, cozy. That is how I want my pool area to feel to our friends and family, cozy. The evergreens we planted to provide some privacy actually define the space and makes it my yard and not all my neighbors yards.

This afternoon we also marked out the location of the spiral staircase that we will be installing in the next week or two. The steps have been ordered and we will get the concrete this week so we can lay the pad for the stairs to rest on. I am really getting excited to see how they look and to have access to the pool deck from the kitchen. It will be a wonderful, much needed addition to the yard. It has taken two summers and we are not done yet, but it is starting to look wonderful back there. I love it!

So, the pool may be closed now for the season, but there is plenty of yard work to do prepping for the fall, winter and spring seasons. I need to do that now and over the next few seasons because once the pool opens up again next summer I won't want to be doing yard work! Just saying!

Keep it up - Chicka!

I am proud of myself. I have had a long week so far and today was no different. I worked all day, then had my annual eye exam. My vision is the same as last year and the year before that so that was good. I was really in the mood to get some new glasses though and I looked and looked but there was nothing that caught my eye. I was so disappointed. 

Of course I was really tired by now and hungry but I am working so hard on my healthy eating again I just kept running my errands, even after passing multiple pizza shops and fast food restaurants. I drove out to pick up my organic vegetables from a nearby farming family. Shares are a wonderful thing! I then passed even more fast food restaurants on my way home, nearly giving in. But then I said to myself. You can do this! I started looking around at my choices and when I really took a look, I knew there was nothing I would purchase that would taste as good nor be as good for me as the leftovers in my fridge. So I kept driving all the way home.

What an excellent choice! Once home, I sliced up a fresh tomato from my garden and ate it. Oh My it was wonderful! I then heated up some homemade vegetable soup I had made on Monday with some of my homemade chicken bone broth. It was even better today after all the flavors had melded together the past 3 days. And I had a glass of Merlot that I could not have had at any of the fast food restaurants!  It was a perfect dinner, too bad I had to eat it alone since Dennis is at CAP (Civil Air Patrol) with my grandson Austin prepping for their E-val this weekend in Frankfort. I would have preferred him to be home with me, but he is having fun with Austin, so I guess I'll wait for another dinner with my man.

Anyway, I wrote all this jibber jabber to say - Good job Denise!  Keep it up - Chicka!

I won't do that again anytime soon!

Hashimoto's Disease or Autoimmune Thyroiditis can really take a toll on your body. How do I know, because I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's a little over 2 years ago and have been trying my best to combat the disease and at least get it somewhat under control. I am told it will never go away, however I can reduce the number of antibodies in my system and therefore also reduce some of the symptoms.

I decided about a month ago I really wanted a break from the totally gluten and dairy free diet I had been following for about a year. I am not a person who when I say I am gluten free buys a bunch of processed food that is called gluten free, I instead followed a version of the paleo diet. I say version because there seems to be as many versions of it as there are people who say they are following it. My version is eat lots of organic vegetables, probably double the amount that is recommended for the governments healthy guidelines. I also eat several servings of organic fruit each day, probably 4-5 and that is probably a little higher than most. It is not recommended to eat as much fruit as I do when you have gut problems, but I need to be able to get some sweetness from someplace and so fruit seems to be my go to food for sweet. I eat meat, I try to buy from a local farmer who has grass fed and finished chicken, been, and pork, however, this meat is extremely expensive, so I have not been as strict about the meat as I have been about the fruits and vegetables. I eat dark chocolate, at least 85% cacao, and health oils (coconut and olive).

I have never given up my coffee for any length of time. I have gone for a specified period of time without caffeine as part of a detox or cleanse, but never with the intention of not having it again. I did however stop cold turkey on Diet Coke. There have been times I think I really want one, but when I walked away from them I had determined it was for good.

So when I decided to take a break from my eating plan and actual enjoy some bread and pasta and cheese and yogurt, I also happened to stop taking all of my medications. Not really on purpose, it just ended up that I wasn't paying attention and just didn't remember to take it. We were on vacation last week and that was my final week that I had planned on not following my food plan. I was amazed by the end of the month the negative impact to my body and health that eating gluten and dairy caused.

• I am very tired. In fact, on vacation I was in bed usually by about 8:30 or 9:00 pm. This is not my typical vacation bedtime, at all. 
• My psoriasis was extremely inflamed not only on my elbows where I always get it, but also all over my scalp. Lots of scabs and itching. Very unpleasant and not improving very quickly.
• My eyes are swollen a lot, nearly every day.
• My knees and hips are really bothering me. I haven't had joint pain in well over a year, so this was very noticeable when it started.
• I have headaches daily.
• My ears are constantly ringing to the point it wakes me up at night.
• I am out of sorts. Yelling at everyone around me. In a bad mood with no apparent reason why. Arguing just to argue and not giving up until I have out argued anyone in my path. This is probably the most noticeable change that I have had.
• The belly bloat is unbelievable! I look like I am about seven months pregnant after I eat bread. Do you have any idea how bad that hurts?
• I can't forget the dizziness and heart palpitations either as they are annoying and you never know when you are going to get them or how long they will last. These are sometimes hours after I eat gluten or sometimes not until the next day.

So, on Monday I returned to my healthy eating habits. I was eating healthy during my month with gluten and dairy, but my body just cannot have those things anymore and it is not afraid to tell me. I had a green smoothie to start my week. I also made some vegetable soup using chicken bone stock I had made and adding collard greens to make sure I was getting plenty of greens. I made a wonderful dinner with wild caught shrimp, sliced zucchini, grape tomato's, olive oil, basil and oregano from my garden, some mushrooms, garlic, ginger, salt and pepper. I could already tell this morning that my body is appreciating the change. Most noticeable was my knees and hips were not aching today. I followed my plan again today and I am happy to be back on plan.

I have read it can take up to a year to recover after eating gluten one time if you are gluten intolerant like I am. I really hope it does not take me that long, however if it does, it was my own fault. No one put that food into my body except me. I have learned I need to keep working on my food choices every single day. There are some vegetables that I have not given up yet that I am told I may need to, most notable are the nightshades. Unfortunately tomato's and peppers are two of my favorite foods in the world, so I am not sure when or even if I will ever give those up. I guess if I cannot seem to get my autoimmune diseases under control with my gluten and dairy free eating, I will have to go that route. But for now, I am going to eat my nightshades. In fact tomorrow it will be a big juicy tomato and green pepper from my garden to go along with dinner.

Glad to be back on my routine and working for healing.

Father's Day 2015

On Fidelity's ribbit page today there was a poll to vote on how you would honor your father this year for father's day. I chose the Other box because none of the others apply this year. And there was a note next to the Other box that said I could post of a comment if I wanted to. I decided that I did want to. This is my post. I hope you enjoy it.

I will be honoring my father this year, but in a way I have never had to honor him before. You see, my dad just passed away on May 5^th. It was very fast and unexpected; he had an aneurism in his aorta that ruptured.

One of the ways I have already honored him was to have an ultrasound of my abdomen to see if I have an aneurism in my aorta. I found out at the hospital where he was being cared for, that this is hereditary and a test was available to show if I have an aneurism in my aorta. If I had an aneurism,  it could be monitored and if needed repaired. Fortunately my results were negative and I do not have an aneurism. I am the oldest child and both of my siblings are delaying their ultrasounds for various reasons. I am regularly talking with them about the need to be tested and the peace of mind it offers. I hope to have both of them tested by the end of the year, even if I need to pay for the tests myself, it would be worth it to me.

Another way I am honoring my father is making sure my mom is taken care of. I am so fortunate to work at Fidelity where I could work remote for a few weeks right after my dad died and help my mom take care of the many appointments and updates to documents that are needed when ones spouse dies. There is a lot of stuff that has to happen! My mom is very relieved knowing everything has been taken care of and understanding her financial state for the rest of her life.

This year I will most likely spend father’s day with my husband, son, and grandson. I am sure we will all cry a little bit on this day. I will try hard not to dwell on my loss though because I was a very blessed daughter to have shared over 73 years with a wonderful father. Yes, this day will be bittersweet, but my wonderful sweet memories will far outweigh the bitterness of the loss.

Make sure and spend some time with your dad this father’s day. Your time is probably all he really wants anyway.

A time to write, a time to grieve. . .

My dad died twelve days ago. It was not the way I expected him to die. Overall for his age, 73, he wasn't doing too bad. He had Alzheimer's, but still knew all of our immediate family and most of his friends. He couldn't remember what he just talked to you about, so in a conversation he may repeat the same comment four, five, even six times in a short period of time. I would just answer his questions or keep the conversation going where ever he lead it.

I live about four hours away from my family. This creates a unique set of difficulties for me as the oldest daughter. As my mom was the caregiver for my dad, I could not provide her respite for a day because I was just too far away. This caused my mom to have a lot of stress since she rarely was away from my dad and when she was it was only for about an hour or two. I am also kept in the dark of minor things that may be going on because they don't want me to worry about them. This is frustrating at times.

Other things I deal with personally is guilt because I am not there to share the load with my sister and brother. They ultimately pick up the slack on helping my mom. I sometimes wonder if they resent my not helping out. My sister and brother are polar opposites, so they sometime clash a little bit. I am kind of in the middle. I am compassionate, but no way near the extreme my sister is. I am also logical, but again not to the extreme of my brother. I am kind of middle ground where both feel safe to bounce things off me and I can bridge the gap between them.

The one interesting note I can recall while we were at the hospital during the last three days of my dad's life was that I really felt like an outsider even though I truly was involved with everything, I just did not feel I should have a lot of input because I am not part of the day to day life that my family lives through. At times it made me feel uncomfortable. Not sure if it is bad or good, but I hope to change things going forward so that if I am ever in a similar situation I will not feel that way again. It was truly an internal issue for me because none of my family did anything to make me feel not part of what was going on.

The chain of events: I was on vacation in Duck, NC, in the outer banks with Dennis, my son Aaron, and his girlfriend Celeste. It was just a long weekend trip, getting ready for the summer. We had two one bedroom condo's right on the beach of the Atlantic Ocean. On Friday night, May 1, we had gone to dinner to celebrate Dennis double nickel birthday. We had a great evening. On Saturday morning, I awoke early because the sun was shining in the window so I got up and made some coffee and was sitting on the couch reading and my phone rang. It was my brother Dave. They had just rushed my dad to the hospital. It did not look very good for him. They were not sure what was wrong. But he wanted to let me know in case I wanted to come. I explained where we were and said I would talk to everyone and decide what to do. I was scared. My brother is the least emotional of all of us kids and I could tell he was about to lose it and it was bad. I hated that I was currently ten hours away and not my normal four hours.

I went in and woke Dennis up to tell him what was going on and so he could give me some logical support as I was feeling like an emotional wreck at the moment. We decided we would go to Akron and needed to talk with Aaron and Celeste to determine how we would do this. After talking with the two of them we all decided they should go ahead and stay for the rest of the weekend and Dennis and I would rent a car and drive to Akron. I sent a text to David to let him know we were on the way and would get there in about 10 hours (9:30 pm Saturday night). As we were driving Dave called me again and could not hardly talk. They were taking dad into emergency surgery. He had suffered an aneurism in his aorta behind his stomach. They did not know how long the surgery would be, nor did they know if dad would make it through the surgery.

This escalated my fear tremendously. My brother just doesn't cry and the fact that he could barely speak to me told me how grave the situation really was. Thankfully at that moment Dennis was driving because I don't think I could have kept driving if I had been the one driving. We kept going. After about four hours we switched drivers because Dennis needed a break and needed to rest a little bit. I got the lucky clip of the drive around the outskirts of Washington D.C. for the next three hours. My sister called to say dad was out of surgery and was in critical ICU and stable at the moment. I let her know we were still about four hours away and would get there just as fast as we could. Dennis drove the rest of the way to Akron.

When we were just about an hour away Darla called again to say they needed to go back into surgery because there was a lot of bleeding going on in dad's abdomen and they needed to see what was going on and what could be repaired. I was again stressed and thankful not to be the driver. I was sure hoping to get to see dad before they took him back, but it was not looking to promising at this point. I got to the hospital at 9:30 and David was outside waiting for me. He took me straight upstairs to see my dad. It was not until 12:30 am that they took dad back for surgery number two.

In surgery two they found that part of his bowel was dead and needed to be removed. They also explained the severity of what happened inside my dad. When an aneurism ruptures it is the equivalent of a bullet going off inside of the stomach so basically everything in his gut was shredded and they could not even make out what a lot of it was. They packed his stomach with gauze and taped him up but pretty much left his stomach open because they felt they would need to go back in at least one more time, possibly more than once.  We all spent the  night at the hospital because dad was pretty unstable and we were told we could spend as much time with him as we wanted. Another indicator of the graveness of his situation.

About 7:00 am they were getting ready to turn over to the day nurses. Dad had stabilized and so we convinced mom to go home and take a shower and get fresh clothes on and then we would get her breakfast and then bring her back to the hospital. Since she was not really getting sleep and she wasn't eating, we knew we had to focus on her as much as we were focusing on dad. She did feel refreshed and ready to face the long day ahead. We also needed to pick up dad's medical power of attorney and his living will so the hospital could have a copy for their records.

So many people stopped by the hospital over the next few days it was a blur. Many of them I knew from growing up there but many were new to me since I have not lived in the area in over 25 years. We also talked just among the family. Dad had made it clear to all of us multiple times that he did not want to be on machines to live. We were all in agreement that he could not remain on them long term, however mom was not ready to make the final decision because she felt if they removed the ventilator it would be like she was killing him and she could not do that. We all decided to wait a little longer to see how dad did. Mom did go ahead and fill out the do not resuscitate order should he become distressed. After a long day at the hospital we convinced mom to go home for the night and sleep.

I gave Aaron a call, he was driving home from North Carolina with Celeste. I knew both of them were on vacation on Monday and I told Aaron if he wanted to say goodbye to Pappap he should come up to Akron tomorrow because I didn't think he was going to recover. He said he wanted to come and would be there. He drove our car. Dennis decided he would drive home with Aaron so he could go back to work on Tuesday.

I also had been reaching out to Nathan since Saturday. This was such a better experience for he and I than when his brother died eight years ago. When Ian died, we had to call the prison, and work through the chaplain and talk to him and tell him what happened. Everything was after the fact. With dad, I was able to email him as events happened and then he was able to call us multiple times and communicate with us. He was in the loop the entire time that decisions were being made. I asked him if he wanted me to put the phone up to Pappap's ear so he could say goodbye but he didn't want to. He said the last time Pappap had seen him it was a visit outside on a beautiful day and they had laughed and laughed. Pappap knew how much he loved him and that was the memory he wanted of Pappap. I was at that visit and agreed with him completely.


On Monday Aaron came up and spent several hours with Pappap and he was so glad that he did. He knew that he was not going to recover when he saw him. It was hard on him but I think when it was all said and done it helped him getting to say goodbye while his body was still warm. One thing he said to me in private before he went home was how long are they going to leave him like this. I told him I thought it would only be a matter of a couple more days. He just couldn't stand seeing him like that. He and Dennis went home that night.

At some point on Monday I had reached out to my manager and told her what was going on. She told me to take the time I needed and just keep her up to date on his progress. We exchanged texts off and on as people were concerned and she wanted to make sure I was OK with anything being shared and who it was being shared with. She was also very concerned about me. She had just lost her father last summer so she personally knew what I was dealing with. I really like her as not only my manager but also a friend. She is fantastic.

Dad was swelling up all over his body, but especially in his abdomen. It was scary how big his belly was swelling up. He had gained over 70 lbs since he arrived on Saturday morning. 70 lbs in just 48 hours. At one point we thought we were going to lose him. His blood pressure kept going down and down because one of the medicines he was getting via IV did not get filled from the hospital pharmacy due to a computer glitch. I could see the panic on the nurse's face as she tried to keep the medicine going into him even though it seemed empty. Another nurse brought the medicine in and they quickly hooked him up to the new bag of medicine and his blood pressure went back up. We also learned on Monday that sometime after dad's second surgery he also had a heart attack.

Mom was still struggling with the life support issue so we asked her who she would like to talk to that could help her deal with the feelings she was having. She wanted to see her pastor and an old family friend, Faith. We immediately reached out to both of them, it was about 7:00 pm and both of them came over right away to talk with her and encourage her. At the end of the evening, mom still decided to wait a little longer as they were talking about going in for a third surgery possibly in the morning. She was more confident that she could make decisions once the time came. We convinced her to go home and sleep for the night. The hospital had her home and cell phone numbers if anything changed and we needed to go to the hospital.

On Tuesday morning I gasped when I approached my dad's room. His stomach was even more swollen than the day before. He had now gained 104 pounds in 72 hours. My mom stopped at the doorway and she said to me, "I can't make him go through any thing else." It was this moment that my mom knew he wasn't going to get better. It was then she made up her mind. We were waiting to talk with the surgeon and we had another scare with dad's blood pressure dropping. He was hooked up to the medicine but for some reason it was not going into his body correctly. They changed the port that it was going into and again his blood pressure stabilized. It was very scary both times this happened because we thought it was the end. It was very clear he was only alive due to the medicines he was taking.

At 10:00 one of the surgeons came into the small waiting room to talk to us. He was so kind and he talked to mom explaining that dad was not responding to anything they were doing for him and they decided not to go back in and operate on him. There was a one in one million chance that he may survive what he was going through, however if he did survive it that did not mean he would have any quality of life whatsoever. Mom told him that she was ready to let him go however she just couldn't stand the thought of taking the ventilator out or that he would be in pain when he died. He told her we did not have to remove the ventilator and that they would keep him on his pain medications so he would not feel anything. What they would do is no longer give him blood (they had given him around 50 units or more already) and they would stop the medicine that was keeping his blood pressure up. What would then happen is his blood pressure would keep getting lower and lower and his heart rate would follow and eventually his heart would stop. Once they checked him and made sure there was no heart beat and no pulse they would then remove the ventilator. Mom agreed to that.

We had lots of questions about how long it would take, etc. He said it thought it would be later today. We were concerned because Mom was getting shaky (diabetes) and she hadn't eaten yet that day. He told us to take her down for breakfast that nothing would happen immediately. We got back upstairs around 10:45. I had reached out to Dennis, Aaron and Celeste to let them know what was decided and to let them know I would tell them immediately once he had passed.

When we got back to the room the monitor was turned off. It initially displeased me because I could tell how he was doing by watching the monitor. After a few minutes though I realized that if the monitor had been on we would have spent our last time watching the monitor and not being in the moment with dad. Our nurse was at the nurses station monitoring his heart rate for us and she would come in and tell us once his heart had stopped. It went so fast after that. Even though the monitor was not showing any of his vitals, it would still alarm when things were not going well. Not an audible alarm, but a blinking light. As each of the medicines ran out she continued disconnecting them one at a time but staying out of the room as much as she possibly could.

We were all at dad's side, Mom, me, Darla, Dave, Cil (Dave's fiance), Gabriel, and Dave (Darla's fiance). After a very short while I noticed Dad's hand changed in mine as I sat there holding it. It became very clammy almost instantly and I now believe that was probably when his heart stopped. Only a moment later the nurse came in the room to check and made sure there was no heart rate or pulse and she confirmed my thoughts that his heart had stopped and she was so sorry. She then turned off the ventilator and left us alone. A few minutes later his first surgeon came in the room and also checked for his heart beat and then she officially pronounced him dead at 11:30 am. It was very peaceful and he felt no pain. We could stay with him as long as we needed. After just a short time we noticed his color was changing to a dark gray and mom said she did not want to see him like that and so we left and went into the small waiting room to cry.

I went out and found a quiet corner and let Aaron, Dennis and Celeste know he had just died. I also sat down and wrote a very long email to Nathan telling him everything that had happened that morning including letting him know Pappap had died. He called me a little bit later so I could talk to him and tell him everything. Mom had to answer some questions for the hospital and they provided some fruit and crackers for us. After a little while we went over to Dave and Cil's place. I called the funeral home to set up an appointment to meet with them Wednesday morning at 10 am. I cannot remember anything else about Tuesday. I am guessing mom called Michael Kelley about officiating, and my cousin Joe Ellis about using his church for the funeral on Saturday. We also determined everyone could come to Dave's house with food and also for the meal after the funeral. I am sure we planned the service and songs but I just don't remember the day, it was a blur.

I have more to write, but I am going to have to come back to this. I had no idea I had so much in my head and in my heart to get out.