I am so happy that Nathan needs his momma so much. Right now that is the only thing keeping me alive. I know how much he depends on me coming to see him and talking to him twice a week. Right now, my focus is to be around for the next time he calls. My depression this winter has been nearly unbearable. I have seen my family doctor. I am seeing my counselor. And I have had a massage. Nothings working so far. Hanging on by a thread.
The more I am trying to work through this overbearing, crushing weight on my heart and my mind, the more I am aware of things that I don't like about me however they may also be the things keeping me alive. One of them is how little I trust people. To say it out loud it sounds horrible. How can I not trust people. Most people are good and trustworthy. That's what my logical brain thinks, but it is not what my hurting heart feels. I am so afraid that if I die no one will visit Nathan or write to him that I refuse to give into my own desire to give up and throw in the towel. It never ceases to amaze me the number of people who claim to love Nathan and pray for him and ask about him, but they are too busy to write him a note of encouragement or to send him a letter to see how he is really doing. This brings out another awareness for me.
People really make me angry. Especially those who wear their Christianity all over themselves like a car covered with too many bumper stickers. Saying you are a Christian doesn't make you one. Loving people and caring for them like Jesus would have, that's what makes you a Christian. Does your life even remotely look like Jesus? Mine doesn't. I'll be the first to admit that. Of course you don't see me bumper sticking my religion all over myself and my Facebook page either. I am choosing to keep my thoughts about Christ to myself until I figure things out a little better myself. My continuous struggle with depression has me doubting my faith in God and if I can even really qualify to be a true Christ follower. I will say that I am honest about my feelings, no matter how dark they are.
I visited Nathan today. Six years behind bars. Kentucky's legal system is really screwed up. That's all I have to say about that.
1 comment:
praying for you, denise! i don't know what it would be worth to him, but i would love to write notes to nathan. i know he doesn't know me from adam, though, so i'm nost sure how much they would mean to him. you give me his address and i would LOVE to have a pen pal! let me know!
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