The Hardison's

Another Friday, Another Scope

2011-06-24T22:11:00.003-04:00

We had to be at the hospital by 9:00 am and I didn't pull back into my driveway until 5:30 pm. What a long day. Dennis' procedure was supposed to be at 10:30. I think it was a little past noon when they finally took him back. He went through two bags of IV fluid. He normally does not use up one bag.

For whatever reason I was a little worried with this scope today. Not sure why, but just an uneasy feeling. Dennis' comforting words to me before his procedure, "I'll either wake up to see you or wake up to see Ian. I'm OK either way." That made me feel just great! He woke up to see me, poor guy. He is not feeling very good tonight. I made him some cup o' soup and ginger ale to try and help his nausea and sore throat.

Exciting evening here tonight at the Hardison's. I am thankful to share it with the love of my life!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

2011-03-06T19:30:00.003-05:00

I am so happy that Nathan needs his momma so much. Right now that is the only thing keeping me alive. I know how much he depends on me coming to see him and talking to him twice a week. Right now, my focus is to be around for the next time he calls. My depression this winter has been nearly unbearable. I have seen my family doctor. I am seeing my counselor. And I have had a massage. Nothings working so far. Hanging on by a thread.
The more I am trying to work through this overbearing, crushing weight on my heart and my mind, the more I am aware of things that I don't like about me however they may also be the things keeping me alive. One of them is how little I trust people. To say it out loud it sounds horrible. How can I not trust people. Most people are good and trustworthy. That's what my logical brain thinks, but it is not what my hurting heart feels. I am so afraid that if I die no one will visit Nathan or write to him that I refuse to give into my own desire to give up and throw in the towel. It never ceases to amaze me the number of people who claim to love Nathan and pray for him and ask about him, but they are too busy to write him a note of encouragement or to send him a letter to see how he is really doing. This brings out another awareness for me.
People really make me angry. Especially those who wear their Christianity all over themselves like a car covered with too many bumper stickers. Saying you are a Christian doesn't make you one. Loving people and caring for them like Jesus would have, that's what makes you a Christian. Does your life even remotely look like Jesus? Mine doesn't. I'll be the first to admit that. Of course you don't see me bumper sticking my religion all over myself and my Facebook page either. I am choosing to keep my thoughts about Christ to myself until I figure things out a little better myself. My continuous struggle with depression has me doubting my faith in God and if I can even really qualify to be a true Christ follower. I will say that I am honest about my feelings, no matter how dark they are.
I visited Nathan today. Six years behind bars. Kentucky's legal system is really screwed up. That's all I have to say about that.

Crossroads 9th Annual Super Bowl of Preaching

2011-02-06T19:21:00.006-05:00

WOW! I don't know what else to say. My weekend started on Saturday morning when I left my house about 9:15 am and headed North across the Ohio River to Crossroads to volunteer for Super Bowl Weekend. This year I was on the stage crew so that meant a commitment for the entire six services. Seven if you count the rehearsal.

My legs will never be the same. Its a long way up from the stage to the catwalks. I have no idea how many trips up and down the stairs we made, but 6,000 balloons in black bags were back stage and all of them had to be taken up to the catwalks for release during the halftime show. There were seven of us on the catwalk crew. We dropped 1,000 balloons each service. The Crossroads band was featured and they were great. The balloon drop was during the last song, "Tonight's gonna be a good night". I think The Black-eyed Peas sing this one for real, I'm not sure though. I listen to NPR, not the popular music stations.

Once the band started this song we got ready. All of the bags had already been placed and the large trash bags were untied, each containing ~50 balloons. When the lights went out and there were only black lights we started emptying the bags. The balloons glowed in the black lights and the audience went crazy. They were screaming and cheering! It was so cool. The last service, every bag that remained was staged out in the catwalks. What goes up, must come down and we were not carrying any of the balloons down. I just kept emptying and emptying the bags of balloons. I would love to know the decibel level in that place when the halftime show concluded. It was so loud in there with all of the applause and cheering. The auditorium holds 3500 people so you can imagine in a packed house how loud it got.

Besides the stair climbing workout over the weekend, we were also on the clean up the stage crew. Paper confetti and popped balloons can really make a mess. I loved it when kids took the balloons out with them, that meant there were less balloons to pick up off the floor. Actually the balloons weren't so hard to clean up, but the paper confetti, what a mess. It was really cool when it shot out of the confetti cannons at the announcement of the team line up. Our senior pastor, Brian Tome represented Pittsburgh and he loved it because he is originally from Pittsburgh and is a big fan. Our teaching pastor, Chuck Mingo represented Green Bay. Of course midway through his first quarter of preaching he pulled of his Green Bay shirt and instead had on a Michael Vick, Philadelphia jersey. He is from Philly. His line - Once an Eagle fan always an Eagle fan. He received a penalty for illegal man on the field since Vick doesn't pay for either team in the super bowl. Needless to say it was an interesting day.

It is called the Super Bowl of Preaching because both pastors are competing with each other to win the championship. I didn't stay for the end of the 6th game, however up until then it was Mingo 3 wins and Tomes 2 wins, so either Mingo won it outright or they ended in a tie. I'll have to find out tomorrow night when I am back up at Crossroads.

I think the funniest part of the game this year was the new rule where they would have to use a random phrase from the audience and incorporate it in their message for the 9 minute quarter they were preaching. Every service there were four new random phrases ranging from simple things like Ozark Mountains to its better when done on shag carpet to Live from New York, it's Saturday night. They were so funny bringing these phrases into the message.

The actual message for the weekend was great as well. It was all about Peter and redemption through Christ. It talked about Peter boldly proclaiming to Jesus that he would never forsake him. Then when Peter denied knowing Jesus three times, just as Jesus told Peter he would. It then went on to Jesus pursuing Peter and redeeming him as the rock that the church would be built upon. They tied in a lot about Michael Vick and how he has managed to turn his life around and redeeming himself. He had to admit that he had done wrong. He even had to pay a penalty for his wrongs. And he asked humbly to be reinstated into the NFL. And he had a fantastic season this year. We are the church and we are all about redemption. Vick is an example of modern day redemption. The messages were great!

I love Super Bowl weekend. It is one of the few times each year that Aaron will come to church. He brought Celeste and Austin and they loved it! I think Celeste would probably come to Crossroads fairly regularly if Aaron would. I keep hoping the Kentucky campus of Crossroads comes to fruition. It is on the list of places Crossroads is looking at to build another campus. I know that if they do start a Crossroads Northern Kentucky, Dennis and I will be part of the team of volunteers that help get it up and running. Aaron said if Crossroads wasn't so far away he would probably go because he does like the church. I'm gonna hold him to that. As much as I love, love, love Crossroads Oakley, I would transfer to Crossroads Northern Kentucky in a heartbeat if it meant Aaron would start coming to church.

I'm watching for a good picture to be posted of the balloons. I have seen a few of them but they were with camera phones and pretty blurry. I didn't take my camera because I was looking down at the service from the eagle eye view. And I was pretty busy during the balloon drop so I couldn't have taken a picture anyway.

I almost forgot the Super Bowl commercials. The funniest one was the Ford, F-150 Hyde Park Edition. It was poking fun at the rich people who live in the Hyde Park community here in Cincinnati. The other one was poking fun at all the car insurance commercials and saving money when you switch to Geico or Nationwide or Progressive or State Farm. There were others I am sure but I can't remember them all. It was a great commercial. When we left I noticed a car in the parking lot with the Geico logo on it. I wonder how funny they thought the commercial was.

We also had the color commentary staring Brad Johansen, Wayne "Box" Miller, and Solomon Wilcox, local celebrities and sports news casters in the Cincinnati area who attend Crossroads. They were so funny commenting on the messages or the flags that were thrown by the official and just about the weekend over all. It was fun, Fun, FUN! If you are in Cincinnati next Super Bowl weekend, this is a show you will not want to miss. It is one of our highest attended weekends each year!

My other creative brain took me hostage!

2011-01-23T22:12:00.009-05:00

My best friend Kathi wanted to know why I haven't been updating my blog lately. Well, I have only one excuse, my other creative brain took over and has been remodeling my master suite in my home and taking all my time. Seriously - I work all day at my paying job and then I work all night and every weekend on my use up all my pay job. I am getting close to being finished, the granite counter is installed on Tuesday. The vessel sink and faucet will be hooked up after that. There is a small amount of woodwork on needing one more coat of polyurethane and then it can be installed.

Then only the decorating remains which means I will have to go shopping and I hate shopping. Luckily I have been collecting items from my trips to South Africa and I am using a lot of that stuff to get me started. I need to buy some photo frames for some of those things. Tonight I ordered bedroom curtains, and some pillows online - 1 shopping trip avoided. I also had to order 1 blue bath towel to replace the one that turned lavender in the wash. I took my red Christmas table cloth off and thought I could wash it in with my towels and it wouldn't be a problem. For my burnt orange towel no issue at all. For my white ankle socks and the white kitchen towel, they are now a beautiful shade of pink - exactly like the breast cancer pink. I actually like the ankle socks and can't wait to get to wear them. Poor Dennis' light blue towel didn't make it though and the lavender color will just not work in the bathroom. Oh well, it will get used in the other bath.

I still need a chair, small table, and a lamp for the corner of my room. I actually have enough room for a chair in my room now - it is so cool! I don't have enough clothes to fill up my closet - I love it. All of my clothes are out of my room.

Here is a couple of pictures of the progress so far. Once we have completed it all, I can post more.

Austin demolishing the walls to my old craft room. Half of the room is now my closet and half is the new bathroom.

The original bathroom for the house.

Here are two views of the new bathroom. I'll add the vanity shots after Tuesday! I am so excited that I will finally be able to use the entire bathroom in a couple of days!

I will try to do better about writing about my life. This has been a very busy 3 months.

86 Sticks of Butter

2010-11-11T22:57:00.002-05:00

I have been part of two weight loss challenges since the middle of July. Actually I have been the winner of two weight loss challenges since the middle of July. And now in the middle of November, I am 21 1/2 pounds lighter and loving it. I cannot even remember the last time I weighed my current weight. I am only about 20 pounds away from my goal weight!

It has not been easy but then again it has not been that hard. I have been drinking a protein shake for breakfast and lunch. I usually have some high protein snacks in the morning and afternoon. Then for dinner I eat whatever the rest of the family eats. I watch my portion sizes and I don't eat a lot of fat nor a lot of sugar. I like fruits and veggies. I have added soy milk a couple of times a day too. I also take vitamins a couple of times a day so I physically feel really good. I need to get my mind to participate in the feel good challenge!

Right now this is one thing going well in my life. I need to track as many of these happy thoughts as I can.

October - I'm already feeling the big fall!

2010-10-03T21:33:00.005-04:00

It is hitting early and hard this year. I am already bothered that the Winter holiday's will be coming soon. The holiday's that I used to love at some time during this life are now dreadful to me. I wish I could just work right through them and pretend they aren't there. All they are for me is a painful punch in the gut that I would prefer not to have.

I live the pain everyday but at Thanksgiving and Christmas the pain is magnified to the point I feel like saying goodbye to life. Times for being thankful and spending time with family only remind me of what I've lost and who I no longer have in my life. I hate Christmas morning! It is the worst morning of the year! I wish I could sleep right past the day. Christmas morning in my dreams would have been at least my kids, their girlfriends or wives around, and grandchildren, several of them. I had dreams of cooking a yummy meal, giving gifts, and just hanging out being silly and having fun all day. Now I wake up to an empty house. Dennis and I are here and Aaron, and that's it. If it weren't for Austin, I would do nothing at Christmas, no tree, no decorations, no cards, probably no presents either. I don't want to celebrate, I want my family back. That would be something to celebrate.

I found out Nathan's life was once again in danger, this time at his new prison. There were some inmates that decided to catch his dorm on fire. I am so done with him being there. I watch the news and see people who have murdered someone and serve less time than Nathan is serving. We are coming up on 5 years behind bars for about $750 worth of gaming systems and cash. No one physically hurt. No long history of crime. A first offense at 18 years of age and he has been in prison ever since. He turns 23 next week. Maybe that is why I am so raw right now. I won't even be able to spend the day with him. I will visit right before his birthday and we will eat a lunch from the vending machine. I cannot bake a cake for him. I cannot send him presents. I cannot even call him on the phone.

His remaining in prison for so long has really pushed me away from God. I don't read the bible and feel like I reading God's love story for me. I read it and wonder if it really happened. Were there really miracles? Were prison doors really opened? Does God really give people the desires of their heart? I don't see those things in my life and I find them harder and harder to believe. I have found myself pulling farther and farther away, by choice. I find it hard to trust in a God that is not evident in my life. Either the Bible is not really true and inspired by God or I do not mean anything to God.

I went to the doctor the other day and we were talking about my depression. He asked me, "What do you do for fun?" I answered nothing. I cannot think of one thing currently that I do for fun except travel and I can't do that everyday. And if that realization wasn't enough, the last 3 weeks at Crossroads the messages have been about Play and how God wants us to have fun and play and enjoy our lives. He is a playful God and full of joy. Hmm, I don't really see that. They did talk yesterday about making a play bucket list. I have been thinking about that since I heard about it. I have started my list. . .

Learn to scuba and then go diving in Fiji
Zip-line through the rain forest
Take swimming lessons so I know how to do it the right way for lap swimming

Only the 3 so far, but at least I am thinking about it.

I didn't get the manager job so I will continue in the role I currently have. I'm OK with this since I do like my job and I like my boss. That is always a good thing!

Reflecting

2010-08-10T08:19:00.010-04:00

I love vacations without a plan. I knew how I would arrive at my destination. I knew where I would stay. I had my swimsuit, some shorts and tanks, flip flops, books, and my toothbrush. That is all I needed to know or have.

I came on vacation with no expectations at least as far as where I would go or what I would do. My plan was sun, pool, book - all day, everyday. Most people would find this boring, but for me it was a well deserved rest and a time for reflecting about my life, my job, my family, my church, and the rest of my life. What do I really want to be when I grow up? I am, after all 48 already and isn't it about time I were doing what I was put on earth to do? Shouldn't I have discovered what I am passionate about by now? Instead I feel stuck in a place that is stagnant. I want to be moving forward and not held back. I want to be like a catapult set free. Pushed back and back until the tension is stretched tighter than one could imagine and then swoosh, in one split second, all those things holding me down and keeping me from running after my passion, my dream, my destiny just let go. Nothing stopping me I fly forward able to reach places even farther than my dreams. That is where I want to be, out there, doing something that is bigger than me.

I just don't know what that something is. I don't know how to get there. I don't know what it is I want.

New job? I will be interviewing for a new role at work when I return from vacation. It is an opportunity to have a team that I would manage. Not a new team but an existing one that is tired of the job the way it is. Can I make enough of a difference in their lives to change the way they think about the work they do each day? Will I be able to ignite passion inside of them that has also been held back? Do I want to deal with the political atmosphere that also comes with the job of manager? How will I manage? Will my compassion show through? How difficult will it be to balance the kindness of my natural instinct with the performance expectations of the firm? I don't want to come across as tough or mean, however I don't want to be thought of as wimpy or walked all over. What is that balance of compassion and leadership?

My thoughts about management are, a good manager first knows their people. What do they like, dislike? What is their home-life like? Are they married, single, in a relationship? Do they have kids, no kids, pets? Do they like their job? What would they like to change about their job? What are their skills and strengths? Do they get to use them in their current role? Is there a way to incorporate them into their role?

My mind just goes on and on and on sometimes as I think about this management opportunity. I have a fear about even interviewing for the role? Why should I be chosen to lead this team? What special, unique talent is with in me that I am so passionate about it ignites my words with excitement and enthusiasm just to talk about it? Will that talent be the one needed to fill this role? Am I the spark that can inspire this team to greatness?

My weight - I am back down to having lost over 100 pounds again. I had been a little careless and gained about 7 pounds but those are off and I am continuing to lose about 1.5 pounds per week. It is tough, but I am determined to not gain back the weight that was so difficult to lose. I haven't gotten into exercise as much as I need to, but I am at least eating healthy. I have also stopped having wine every night. It was an unhealthy habit that I was getting a little too comfortable with, so I just stopped. I certainly didn't need the extra calories with no nutritional value. I am doing some exercise while on vacation, but not the gym workout exercise, the fun exercise. Swimming in the pool with my grandson. Climbing the stairs to the top of the water-slide and then sliding down to splash in the pool at the end. If I can find fun exercise to keep doing even after I return home, odds are I will keep exercising.

Speaking of swimming, its already 9 am. The pool has been open since 7. I think I'll get my suit on and jump in. I'll have plenty of time to reflect more after while.

Three years later

2010-03-31T21:57:00.002-04:00

It's pretty hard to imagine that it's been three years since Ian went to Heaven. Time has a way of putting distance to the hurts, but in one sweeping moment, it fast forwards and hit's you right in the face. As we approach this date, it is bittersweet. I miss him a lot and sometimes it almost seems like I cannot remember special things that we did together, and then there are other moments that are so crystal clear and they bring a great big smile to my face. It seems like one of those moments now. When Ian passed away, there were so many flowers and plants that were given to us. Although we have managed to not kill all the plants, I will never be confused with someone who has a green thumb, there were a lot of flowers that we harvested the bulbs from. We planted them in out flower beds in the front of the house, but they never came up.......until this year. We have THREE yellow daffodils! It's like God saying, I remember, just like you do. I love the remembrance of the day, the flowers are so pretty, and God is saying, in his own special way, I am taking care of him for you. Thanks

2010-03-18T07:00:00.004-04:00

Depression is an ugly beast.

It sneaks up on you and drags you through the slimy pits of hell.

Slowly at first, befriending you like your favorite jeans.

It wraps itself around you like a hug from an old friend.

But it keeps squeezing and squeezing.

Zapping the life out of you.

Taking your every breath.

Depleting any energy you have.

Nothing matters anymore.

Exhaustion.

Completely shutting down.

Will the sun ever shine again?

Is there a way out?

Where is some relief?

Too tired to figure it out right now.

Crawling in bed to sleep it off.

What is Free?

2010-03-10T20:24:00.003-05:00

Free - what is Free? Our all church journey for 2010 is about Freedom and letting go of things that keep us in bondage and becoming Free in Christ. I am not feeling the freedom in this journey. I have decided to get in a small group, and the people are great. I am having so much fun and am laughing at some of the stories that come up each week as people are getting Free. To watch it is a cool thing. The not so cool thing is that I am not free, I am not finding freedom, and I am not progressing in my walk with Christ. I am at this unusual place that I find myself surprised to be at actually.

All of my life I have pretty much believed that Christ died for me and is my Saviour as the true son of God. Now I have doubts. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, I can't seem to make up my mind on this. It's not that I don't believe in God, how can anyone look around at the beauty of the world we live in and not believe in a Supreme being. I mean really, if you think the earth just crashed and came to be, you are clueless. Hello, if it were that simple, why haven't we intelligent human beings figured it out yet. So, thankfully, the God part is still in tact. I think where I am having trouble is that Jesus really loves me, one little human on the earth full of billions of people. I have trouble believing that the son of God would love me so much that he would die just to show me he loved me. I am just a human body that is on earth and lives everyday the best I can, but I am overall not very significant.

Last night I opened up a little bit and stated how I am feeling right now. It is a little weird because most of the people in my small group are so into God and Jesus and are finding the freedom they are seeking. I feel like an outsider in some ways, however they still are open and accepting of me, even in my odd current state. That is a cool thing, because in normal churches I would be an outcast or a sinner, or my thoughts would be evil. I don't believe I am any of those things, just a human asking a questions. My group does not judge me for asking questions about God and if I really matter to him. In fact, some of them have been there and get where I am right now. That is a nice peaceful feeling for me since how I have felt is actually stressful.

Maybe the fact that I am able to be honest about where I am right now is freedom. The fact that I can ask questions to God and even doubt God and still be loved by God, maybe that is freedom.

We are praying for one person in our group this week. I am praying for a spouse that wants to be able to be open and fully share with his wife the things he normally keeps inside. My prayer request was to 'see God'. Dennis is the person praying for me. At first I felt like he should not have been the person that got me, but after I thought about it, there is no one in the group that really knows how hard I am struggling like Dennis does. He is the one person I trust to share all my doubts, fears, and lost dreams with. He knows me like no one. He is the one I can share everything with. So, a prayer request that only says 'see God', makes sense to him. More to him than anyone else. I am glad he pulled my request. When we talk about it next week, it will be freeing to know that the person who loves me more than anyone in the whole world, has prayed for me each and every day this week, that God would open my eyes so I can see Him.

The one person who really gets me, my faults and my good qualities, prayed that I would be open and see God. WOW! That is so cool. It may or may not change things or make things better, but it was a prayer, to God from the only person who loves me as much as God. Maybe that is what freedom is about. I don't really know, but I am open to hear from God and hopefully, sometime in the few weeks that remain of our small group, see God. That is my prayer, on this day, at this time in my life!

What is a Happy Birthday?

2010-02-03T21:33:00.005-05:00

I am 48 today. I asked for dinner at home, whole wheat penne pasta, a tossed salad, and yellow cake with butter cream frosting. I got exactly what I wanted and even more than that. I also received lots of cards and well wishes from my Facebook friends, and presents, and flowers with dinner from Dennis! So, why am I so down?

I feel as if I will roll over and die with the sadness I feel. It has been a really long time since I have felt such an overwhelming grief. I would have to say it was when I was grieving for Ian that I felt this low. I have not lost a child. What is wrong with me? I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, I knew I was having difficulties coping, but even with that visit and some adjustments, I am still feeling this uncontrollable sadness. I feel as if I am being held down by a concrete blanket that will not let me breathe or see the light of day. It is crushing me as if I am nothing, just a flat picture of me. Not important. Not loved. Not needed. Not valuable. No one - Just a big nothing! What makes me feel this way?

We passed Nathan's 3 years after sentencing date in January. There is nothing we can now do to see him get an early release from prison. Again our attorney has sucked and let us down. Nathan's current serve out date is November of 2015. Almost six years from now for stealing approximately $700 worth of merchandise, no one was physically injured. People murder people and get less time than he did. I just don't get it. Where are you God? Do you really exist or am I just believing in a poof of hot air? I guess what I consider a need is not what you consider a need. I feel like you have abandoned me. Do you just hate me God? What is it? You were the only hope I had and now I feel like even you have left me here, all alone, to deal with a pain that is over taking me.

What about being your child? Was that a lie that I read about in the bible? Do you really exist? Do you really care about me? I am so down, so very down. It is taking every bit of energy I have to just get up and function each day. There is no excelling in what I am doing. I am barely surviving. Please help me as I don't think I can take much more of this sadness. I just want to really know you are there, if you are.

Friends

2009-12-20T19:34:00.002-05:00

I am struggling this Christmas season more than the previous two years since Ian's death and Nathan's incarceration. I never know when I will be up or down and my pride somehow pushes me into a "doing fine" mode that may or may not be true at any given moment. Its been long enough since Ian died that most people don't want to hear that you are struggling, so most times I keep these feelings to myself. I'm not even sure if Ian is the reason for my current sadness. I am actually struggling a lot more with Nathan not being home again this year than anything else.

I get that God does not intervene on the earth in every single situation. That's not his way. I have also been told that he supplies our every need. I guess what I think is my need must not be because I don't see God supplying it. My heart needs my son to be home with me this year but that is not happening. I have prayed, fasted, had faith, all those things I am told cause God and his angels to move on our behalf, but I am seeing nothing - no miracle for me again this year.

Someone loves me though. I received a beautiful ornament for my Christmas tree. It arrived anonymously while I was away today performing in the Awaited Show at Crossroads. It says, "Friends lift us up when we're too weak to fly!". I have no idea who dropped it at my house, but my thoughts are it is one of my Wednesday morning diva's because other than them, I have been pretty tight lipped about my current sadness. Who ever it is from, thank you! I love it and can't wait to add it to my tree.

Keeping my chin up the best I can and trying to consider others more than myself by being a part of Awaited. God I wish you would crash into to my world this Christmas.

It's Monday

2009-10-05T22:33:00.006-04:00

Today I feel like writing for no particular reason at all. It was week 3 in our Grief Support group at Crossroads. It amazes me how in 2 1/2 years your life can change so much. I would have never pictured me being part of the leadership team in a grief support group. And yet, now I am, and I am finding it a fulfilling place to be at this point in my life. It's fulfilling to know that somehow God has brought healing to me in my personal grief and suffering and is now allowing me to reach out and love on his children who are also suffering. He is incredible!

Nathan will be 22 next Monday. I truly believed he would be out of prison and home by now, but again my desires are not necessarily what will happen. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I may be happy, I may be sad, I may be depressed, I'm not sure what it is I am feeling. I miss him. I miss his young smiling face. Every time I visit him I see how his life is slipping away all because of drugs. I have had one son die from drugs and one son has pretty much lost all of his youth because of drugs. It is no wonder that Dennis is so passionate about fighting drugs through his counter drug work. Each summer he takes an 8 hour cut in pay each week from May to October so that one day each week he can fly with the Air Force and fight drug growers in Kentucky. It has become his passion. Except for me, I'm still his number one passion!

It amazes me that after nearly 28 years of marriage he is passionate about me and I am passionate about him! He is the love of my life and there will never, ever be another one like him!

Michael Hardison, Dennis's brother has testicular cancer. We were told Stage 4, but when Dennis looks on line he doesn't find anything about stage 4. It only goes to Stage 3. He started his chemotherapy today. Five days in a row and then he gets a break for two weeks and then he does five days again. He has to do this through December. Michael is very positive and he is going to fight it hard. The good news is that even though it has progressed far already and is a very aggressive cancer, there is also a very high recovery rate so we are excited and hopeful about that. He has cancer in his testicle, abdomen, and lungs, however his brain and bone scans came back negative! YEAH!!!!

It seems we really never know what is coming up for us in the future. What I am learning is that we can work through what ever hand is dealt to us and our odds are much better if we choose to enjoy the journey and not fight it all the time. Embrace the struggles and grow from them. And then use your learning's to reach out and help others.

I heard a comment on NPR today as I drove to work about Muslims and how every part of their lives and everything they do is a worship to God. I am not a Muslim, however it made me start thinking about my job. I give every thing I have when I am at work and when I am at home and all of these things are a reflection of my worship to God. It goes back to the verse in the bible that says that what we do for the least of these is as if unto God. To me that means that every time I give my all to what ever or who ever I am working for, it is a worship to God and is good.

My final thoughts to you - Whatever your job is in your life, give it your all and then even give a little more - it is an act of worship to God!

Thankful

2009-08-27T01:09:00.004-04:00

It takes me a couple of days usually, but once all the dust has settled and I have gotten my feelings down on paper, I look back and think about the things I am thankful for and the things I have learned through the process. This time is no different. All day today I have been thinking about how thankful I am that Nathan is alive and doing well.

After losing my son Ian two and a half years ago, the thought that in a split second, on a Friday night in August, I could have had a second son die, scares me. I have been looking at pictures from the Riot at Northpoint last weekend and am so grateful that no one was seriously injured. The fires that broke out were devastating. Yet no one died as a result of them. Rocks and bricks were being thrown by inmates towards the guards and yet no one was seriously hurt or worse yet, the guards did not shoot their weapons at these inmates even though they were in danger. I am thankful that my son is alive and well. I am also thankful that no one was seriously injured during the riot.

This is a picture of the library after the riot. Nathan spent many days working in this library while he was at Northpoint.

In the past 3-4 months I have been noticing that Nathan was getting down and just not recovering well. It started late in the spring, around Dennis, Ian, and Aaron's birthdays. It worsened when he was put in the "hole" for no reason for a month. And even as the summer progressed and he was no longer in 23 hours of solitary per day, he was down and not himself. He told me several times he just needed to get out of Northpoint. I wasn't getting what the problem was. I kept thinking he was just bored and wanted to go someplace different but for no real reason. After the riot I could understand that things were not good at Northpoint. The move this past weekend was just what Nathan needed. Talking to him this week he sounds like a new person. You can hear happiness in his voice again. He loves his new surroundings. He loves the food. The warden is out in the yard for several hours each day and really seems to care about the inmates that are under his watch. The guards are respectful and actually nice. I am thankful that Nathan is in a new place that is refreshing to him and helping him sound like the old Nathan.

This is the kitchen after it was destroyed by fire after the Northpoint Riot.

Nathan had hard taco's for lunch on Sunday. You would have thought he was eating caviar or something. It has been almost four years since he had a hard shell taco. Who would have thought something so simple as that could bring so much pleasure. He went on about there being a food bar and he could get as much rice and beans with the tacos that he wanted. He was saying how good the lettuce was and that it wasn't the wilted stuff he usually would get. And they had real shredded cheese! At the table there was a pitcher of Koolaid and a pitcher of water for them to help themselves to. And there were salt and pepper shakers. All simple things I take for granted, but they were pleasures for Nathan. I am thankful that my son is getting good food to nourish his body.

Nathan has wanted to get into either a trade or start taking some college courses to help him when he is released from prison. The waiting list for these things at Northpoint was a couple of years. At Lee there are several opportunities he can get into within a few weeks. He is going to get started right away. I am thankful that Nathan now has access to college courses and apprentice trades that will help him once he is released.

I got to practice once again how to handle a crisis head on. I some how am able to stay in control in the middle of a crisis. I don't get upset. My mind becomes crystal clear and I am able to concentrate. My emotions become alert and yet I have a peace about me in a critical situation. I have learned not to over think things. If you don't have all the facts, don't think about the worst that could happen, instead ponder what good things are happening that you are not aware of. Pray. Most of the time there is not much you can do. You are not in control at all. And more than likely you will not be able to change the situation. By praying there is always a chance for miracles. I am thankful that I can pray openly and freely in America. I am thankful that God does still answer prayers, but we have to ask. I am thankful for the gift I have to remain calm in the middle of a storm.

Family and friends were calling me, e-mailing me, praying for me, and just being there for me. By opening myself up to others and allowing them to come into my life and by going into their lives, I have a strong support system that I can reach out to when I need them. This weekend was one of those times that I needed them. I am so thankful that my friends and my family was there for me.

After the crisis is passed, I have learned to let all the crazy emotions I bottled up inside me during the chaos to come out. Sometimes I cry. Tears of relief usually and tears of joy that things have turned out OK. Tears of sadness and grief have also shown up at times. I usually have some anger that needs to come out - I work on that by talking to God and writing. Questions are usually wrestling around in my brain. Some of them I work to find answers to and some of them I know will not be answered and so I let them go confident that God is in control of my life and He loves me and wants the best for me. I am thankful that I have the ability to let my emotions out and not keep them tangled up inside of me. I am thankful for tears.

Even now, only days after the crazy, emotional weekend, I have such a peace in my spirit. I know that things are going to continue to improve. And I see that Nathan is in a much better place than he was. Somehow, even though I do not like the way it all transpired, my family is in a better place today than we were last week. We are closer. We are stronger. We have a joyful countenance. We have overcome.

I can now say that I am a Mom whose son survived a Riot in prison. There are not too many Mom's that can add that to their Mom resume'. Life is all good - I don't get it sometimes, and it is really hard - but its all good!

How many emotions can one feel in one weekend?

2009-08-24T22:18:00.009-04:00

If I ever have a long stretch of my life with absolutely no events at all, I think I will be bored. I really don't even know what to expect to happen in my life on any given day or week or year. This weekend proved to be no exception.

It all began on Friday night. I was working a little late, not too late because it was only 5:35 when Dennis called to see when I was coming home. I hadn't talked to him all day, but mentioned just wanting be home for the evening. I decided I would not go scrap booking with my friends because I needed some family and me time. I did not expect him to tell me dinner was done and he was waiting for me. I said I'm leaving now I'll be home in a half an hour. Part of me wanted to be really mad at him for not calling me at the beginning of the meal preparations to let me know what he was doing so I could get home on time. But the wiser part of me looked at the wonderful thing he had done and I came home in a very cheerful and appreciative mood.

Dinner was great! Steaks on the grill, sauteed' mushrooms and onions, roasted corn on the cob, and steamed peas. He is good, real good! By the time I finished eating I was stuffed. He then cleaned up the kitchen and put everything away and asked me if I wanted to go to a movie. I am not a big movie fan, I think they cost too much, but every once in a while there is something I want to see. And on this night it was Julie & Julia, a major chick flick, romantic comedy. He was happy to go see anything I wanted to see. Oh my gosh, if you have not seen this movie, you need to. It is hilarious! I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. Not little chuckles, but those really loud embarrassing belly laughs. There were a couple times in the movie I was in tears from laughing so hard. I could have watched it twice it was so funny. Of course there was also parts of it that were sad, like when her sister became pregnant. She was very happy for her, in fact, over joyed for her sister and in that same moment she was overwhelmed with the sadness that she had not been able to bear any children so she was sobbing on her husbands chest.

Her love of food was funny too. She would truly take a bite of food and really taste it and enjoy the flavor of it. I think in modern society we are in such a hurry to finish a meal we hardly take the time to savor the flavor of the food. Julia enjoyed every bite! It was a great movie and a continuation on of our wonderful evening.

On the way home we filled up the tank and got some quarters for the vending machines at the prison. We were going to go see Nathan on Saturday morning and since we were out it would save us time to do those things on the way home instead of on the way out in the morning. We were leaving the gas station and I asked Dennis if he was going to stop at UDF. He said, "what for?". And I said, "because I want a raspberry chocolate chip hot fudge sundae". He looked at me really funny because he knows and I know, I don't do well with dairy products, but I really wanted this sundae and we were on the way home so I could always lay down if I got sick.

So he stopped and got a plain hot fudge sundae and I got my raspberry chocolate chip hot fudge sundae, with whipped cream and a cherry! It was sooooooo good! I did not eat the entire sundae, but I did eat quite a bit of it. I managed somehow not to get sick and I was very happy that we stopped. By the time we got home it was pretty late so we went to bed knowing we had a long day on Saturday.

Saturday morning we got up to head out for our visit to Nathan, followed by Area 56 band rehearsal for me, followed by singing and then church at Crossroads. Little did I know when I woke from my sleep what the day held for me to experience. I was finishing getting dressed and Dennis hollered in to me that he didn't think we would be going for a visit to Nathan that day. This was weird because that was why we were up and getting dressed at 7:00 in the morning on a Saturday. So I walked in the kitchen and said why not? He proceeded to tell me about the morning headlines and I immediately went into shock and crisis mode. Nothing could have prepared me for this day. Nothing could bring comfort to me on what turned out to be what felt like one of the longest days of my life.

You see, the evening before, remember when I was happy and laughing? I was as far on the happy scale as I could possibly be. That evening, there was a riot at Northpoint Training Center, the prison where Nathan was serving his time. Tell me, PLEASE TELL ME, what parenting book tells you about living with a son in prison. And then has an additional chapter that tells you how to cope when there is a RIOT at the prison your son is in!! It's not out there - hello! Where are the parenting books that really tell you about the tough stuff you may have to live through being a Mom. How to change a bottle and feed or burp, please, my 7 year old grandson could figure that out with out a book. Or how do you discipline your child without crushing their self esteem? Who really cares, if they need a whippin because they are doing something that could harm them or they are being disobedient for the hundredth time, then give them a whippin on the butt and move on.

Now, how to remain calm, ask people to pray, call your parents to tell them their is a RIOT where there grandson is, and keep your sanity - that is the book I need. I guess when this is all said and done maybe I should write the book - I'll be an expert by then.

One of my strongest character traits kicks in when I am in the midst of a crisis. I become calm and controlled. I don't break down and cry. I don't panic. I don't overly worry or fret. I guess because usually when I am in the midst of a crisis, I don't have all the information I need in order to allow me to totally freak out, so I remain calm and try to get what ever I need or take care of what ever needs taken care of. I actually waited a couple of hours before calling my Mom and Dad to tell them what was going on. I was hoping to hear from Nathan so that when I called them it would be after everything was over with and taken care of. That was not going to happen though and so a little after 9:00 am I made the call to my Mom and Dad.

I really hate calling my Mom and Dad with terrible news. I love them so much and I just don't want to have to call and tell them something that is going to make them upset. I knew that this phone call was going to do just that. By now I had sent an e-mail out to my very close friends, my women's group from Wednesday mornings at Panera, and to my Mom and sister calling out to all for prayer and sending a couple of web links to newspapers covering the riot. But my mom doesn't always get on her computer daily like I do and my sister is usually busy on Saturday's so not online. I needed to call and actually talk to one of them. Mom answered the phone. I said the brief normal hello and asked about how everyone was, but then I just told her why I called. There was no reason to delay it any longer. It was almost more than she could take. She immediately began crying overwhelming sobs that came from a woman who has been through just about all she can take. It angered me that I was the one that was bringing her more bad news about one of my sons.

Anyone who reads my blog regularly understands that we have lived through a very rough 5 years. We obviously have more rough times to come since we continue to be pounded by events that we cannot control. Of all the things that could happen when you have a child in prison, I hadn't even thought about there being a riot. Northpoint is a medium security prison. The inmates have freedom for most of the day once they get up in the morning until almost dark in the evening. They have a large "yard" where they can be outside, play chess or domino's, walk around, play soft ball. There is a rec center with a work out area, basket ball and other sports. Many inmates have their on television. They can have guitars. Its not home, that's for sure, but its also not that bad of a place to live when you have committed a crime and are being punished for it.

I guess this past week it was not such a great place to live though. Early in the week, an African American inmate had stolen something from a Hispanic inmate. The African American inmate had a buddy that he hung with that was white. Nathan had a word for this relationship that I'll keep to myself so as not to offend anyone. There are sort of gangs in prison, not the way I think of gangs on the street, but the inmates definitely group together somewhat. So the Hispanics were angry because the dude stole from them and they wanted to beat him up and teach him a lesson. The white & African American groups both told the Hispanic group to do what they felt they needed to do. They had a right to be angry and take care of their business. They would not interfere. Now considering there are about 55% white inmates, 40% African American inmates, and the other 5% are all other races with the Hispanic inmates totalling about 3%, the Hispanics were wise in bringing their grievance to the groups, otherwise, they were in danger of getting beat up.

So on Tuesday, the fight went down and I guess it was 10-15 Hispanics beating the crap out of the African American dude and the white dude. The fight was handled by the guards and some of those involved were actually moved to other prisons in the state. But the warden also locked down the entire population at Northpoint. During a normal lock down they are 23 hours in their dorm with 1 hour of recreation "rec" time. This week there was no rec time. So you have over 1200 inmates that did not do anything wrong, being in lock down all week with no privileges at all, getting more an more agitated as the week went on.

I had a feeling something was wrong because Nathan calls us on Wednesday nights and he didn't call Wednesday evening. He didn't call all day Thursday nor Thursday evening. He talked to Dennis on Friday morning saying they had been in lockdown all week that was why he hadn't called but they were supposed to have weekend visits and he wanted to let us know so we could come down like we planned. What a difference a day makes. Instead of driving down to visit Nathan, I'm waiting for a call from someone; I'm looking for a list of inmates and if they are OK; I'm trying to see if Nathan was moved or if he is still at Northpoint; I'm wondering if he is one of the few inmates that needed to be hospitalized; I'm trying to get into my head what a riot would be like; I'm wanting to believe the reports that say only 8 inmates were injured with minor injuries.

As the day goes on I am continuously checking out different websites for news about the events from the night before. I read about inmates sleeping out in a field with their hands restrained in wire ties and no shelter from the cool evening knowing that my Nathan was one of those. I read about and viewed videos showing tear gas being shot out over the inmates and then raining down on them knowing that my Nathan was being exposed to that violent situation. I watched the buildings that I had seen a couple of hundred times burning to the ground, the flames shooting high into the night sky and wondering did the inmates all get out safely. I read comments after some of the articles from people who obviously have never committed any sin and must be totally perfect and without fault making hateful statements about letting the inmates stay at the prison even though it was no longer inhabitable. These comments were directed at all inmates with hatred and without even considering the fact that over half of the inmates walked out to the softball field, as far away from the rioting as they could with in the parameters of the yard, and sat down to show they were not involved in this insanity and were compliant.

How quickly people judge others without knowing who they even are. I wonder why God would love humans at all. We are truly an ugly bunch with horrible faults. Many of them are not even seen as faults in our own eyes. They are so big and so ugly that we can't even see them. They are justified hate, so we think. But God is not about hate, he is only about love. So why do so many people try to put God in the middle of their hateful way of thinking. He isn't about that! It's no wonder so many don't want anything to do with a God who would be like that. Most of us aren't perfect and we have many faults. When we realize the awfulness of who we really are and the perfect love of who God really is, only then can we love deeply and forgive truly. Because only then can we really understand how great was the sacrifice of Jesus and how deep was God's love towards us.

In the midst of all that was happening, I still had band rehearsal at 3:30 that afternoon. My band still was on the schedule to sing in Area 56 Saturday night at 5:30 and Sunday morning at 8:30, 10:00, and 11:45 am. So I got myself dressed, put on my best smile and best positive thoughts I could, and I went to rehearsal. I had included the band on my morning e-mail so there were some inquiries to see if I had any more information and to see if Nathan was alright. At that time I had no news at all. My cell phone was turned on and on my body at all times that day. If it rang I was answering it, no matter what. Rehearsal went pretty good, we were singing two songs; "The Face of Love", and "Big House". For some reason on our final run through of the set, I nearly broke down. I am singing about my Father's house being a big, big house with lots and lots of room and his big, big table with lots and lots of food, and his big, big yard where we can play football. Suddenly it hit home that Nathan did not have a house, by then I had learned that none of the dorms were inhabitable any longer; I didn't know where Nathan's next meal would come from because the chow hall had burnt to the ground; and my baby boy was sitting out in a yard all night long with wire restraints on his hands behind his back - he wasn't playing football in the yard, that is for sure. It took all the strength I could muster to keep concentrating and singing that song. Somehow I found that strength and kept going.

Dennis and I had planned on going flying Saturday evening after church. He needed to get his night flights in to keep his rating current. He was going to do that by himself on Friday night but had changed his plans to spend the evening with me on Friday night and then both of us would go flying on Saturday night. Somehow neither of us was up to a flight that night. I had already decided in my mind that if Dennis wanted to go I would just wait in the terminal for him. I had a book in my car to read so I would be fine. I was really relieved when he said he just didn't really want to go. He was going to stop and pick up something to eat on the way home, but I didn't even want that. I just wanted to know what was going on with my little boy. I wanted to hear his voice tell me he was OK. I wanted to know where he was. I wanted to just know something.

I continued looking for updates on the Internet, hoping to see something I hadn't seen yet. There was one overhead shot of the fires and it only increased my fear that he may not be alright. My Dad called me three times on Saturday after I had talked to Mom wanting to see if i had heard anything new. Checking to see if i needed them to come down and be with me. I told him no on both questions and assured him that I would call them, no matter what time it was, as soon as I had any news. My girlfriend Kathi called and talked with me for a long time. We talked about Nathan and her new job and my job and caught up on so many missed conversations since she went back to work. She is on a different shift than me and so we are having a hard time connecting with each other like we used to. One thing I know for sure though, if I need Kathi she is there and if Kathi needs me, I am there. That's just the way it is. And this time, I needed her and she was there for me.

It was about 10:30 when I got off the phone with Kathi. I was getting ready to go to bed for the night but was checking out all the bookmarked websites one last time to see if there were any updates. The Department of Corrections was still listing Nathan at Northpoint, but I was assuming that they had just not been able to get that updated yet. At 11:00 pm, the phone rang, it said TOLL FREE NUMBER, the same thing it says every time Nathan calls. I pressed the green button to hear the familiar message with a slight change, it no longer said an inmate at Northpoint Training Center, this time it said Lee something, I didn't catch it all because it caught me off guard. I waited for the message to get done so I could press the #1 and talk to my baby.

It was Nathan. He was safe and uninjured. He had been moved to a place called Lee Adjustment Center in Lee County, where ever that was. He said it was way down in the boonies and it took him about 4 hours to get there and he was sorry because he knew it would be too far for us to come and visit, but he didn't know where they were taking him, they just had him get on a van and go. Then he had to get off the phone because they were taking them someplace. it was a very short, 3 minute call, but he said he would call me on Sunday. He was OK. My baby was OK.

I called Mom and Dad as I had promised to let them I know I had talked to Nathan, he was not injured and was at a new prison and I would know more tomorrow after I talked to him again. Then I went to bed. I fell asleep almost immediately, but was wide awake about 6:00 am Sunday morning. I knew what was coming. I didn't know when it would come, but I felt the stirring in my spirit and my heart and I knew it wouldn't be long.

I went ahead and got dressed for the day. I needed to leave by 7:15 anyway to head up to Crossroads to sing in Area 56 that morning. Dennis got up before I left and I mentioned that I wondered if we would be able to visit Nathan that afternoon. I had already been looking up where Lee Adjustment Center was and what their visitation times were and everything. I knew they went until 4:30 that afternoon and even with me singing all 3 services, we could still probably drive down there and get a visit of some kind in. I really just needed to see Nathan with my own eyes, kind of like I had to hear his voice with my ears. He could be telling me he was alright but actually be all banged up and I wouldn't know any better if I didn't see him. While I was gone, Dennis called Lee and confirmed that we could visit that day with Nathan.

I did really good for the 8:30 service. But I could still feel it coming on. I got a refill of Caramel coffee and decided to sit in the Chapel. I am reading a book to help me write a lesson for next month for our Grief Care group at Crossroads, so I knew it would be quiet in the Chapel and I could read in there. I also knew I was getting ready to process the events of yesterday and it would not be a pretty site and so being in the chapel, alone might be a good place for that to happen. Sure enough it did. All of the emotions I had kept under control the day before were coming out now. I always seem to have this delayed reaction. Its like I am in crisis mode until everything is taken care of. Then I stay there just a little longer to make sure nothing else will happen. And then it happens, the meltdown.

The tears fall like waterfalls down my cheeks. I cannot control the sobbing as my chest heaves from my groaning. Every question I had kept in check is now exploding in my head. All my angry thoughts, all my relief, all my joy is pouring out of me at one time and my heart is overwhelmed. This went on for a couple of hours. My friend Janine showed up a little bit before 10 and just listened and hugged on me and let me cry. I had to take a break in the middle of my meltdown to go and sing and so Janine went into the 10 o'clock service. I washed my face in the bathroom and went in and sang my heart out to those kids. Afterwards I went back to the chapel and continued my meltdown. After the service Janine came back in the chapel to sit with me some more and to encourage me and pray with me. I was more calm by the time I needed to sing for the last service.

Nathan had called me while Janine was there and was telling me a little more about the events of the past 2 days. He gave me information for sending letters and money orders. He asked for us to send him a money order as soon as we could because he had nothing, no toiletries, no shower shoes, no under garments. He basically left Northpoint with only the clothes he was wearing. He had nothing. I have everything I need with extra to share with others while my son is in prison with nothing. Do you know how helpless that feeling is? Do you know how bad my heart aches knowing I can't just stop at the store, buy what ever he needs and take it to him? Can you even begin to comprehend the dreams that are stripped away from me as a Mom with a son in prison? Do you realize, like I do, that I could have lost another son in an instant during the riot? Can you even imagine how tormenting this weekend was for me? Even as I am writing I am upset that my son has nothing. I sent him a money order this morning so he can get some necessities, but until that arrives he has nothing.

After I got home from Crossroads, about 1:00 pm, we immediately left for Lee Adjustment Center. It looked like it would take us about 2 1/2 hours and neither of us had eaten lunch. We grabbed a hamburger on the way and listened to "The Shack" on audio by William Paul Young to pass the time. I must say that after 4 years of driving to the same prison every 2 weeks, it was nice to have different scenary for a change. The prison is about 8 miles South of Natural Bridge state park. It is a lovely area of Kentucky. Once we were off the highway I could understand why he felt he was down in the boonies. The roads were very curvey the last 20 miles or so. Pretty, but curvey. We made great time and actually arrived at the prison a little after 3. Once we were signed in and settled in the visitation area it was 3;20 p.m. Visits were over at 4:30. It took about 15 minutes for them to locate Nathan, he had gone to the Chapel for afternoon prayer. I was one happy Momma when he came through the door at 3:35 though. He looked perfect!

I hugged him so hard I probably squeezed his breath out and I gave him a great big smooch too! That was my baby and he was alright! For the next hour we heard about the events of the past 2 days, details about the riot that is conveniently left out of the statements from the prison officials, his night in the yard, his trip in the van, the distance from home to the new prison (only 18 miles further), how nice the new place is. We also talked about all of his possesions that he left behind at Northpoint. He hopes to get them back, especially the personal things that cannot be replaced like cards and letters from his brother Ian who passed away during the time Nathan has been incarcerated. Pictures drawn for him by his great nieces and Austin, all of them are growing up. His photographs (we can replace most of these, but he did have a few of his friends from Northpoint, we don't have those and they cannot be replaced). His guitar, TV, Playstation, music books - all of these can be replaced eventually. His songs he wrote, his journals, his books he is writing - all gone.

The news reports lead people to believe that there were race issues behind the riots, but that was not the case at all. These inmates were treated wrongly by those in authority over them and they got fed up and exploded. It had nothing to do with anyones color. There were no inmate injuries because they weren't mad at each other, they were mad at the warden and the guards for punishing them for something they had nothing to do with. They may be prisoners, but they are also human, and they should be treated humainly. The warden came in Friday to tell the inmates that by Monday the lock down would be lifted. Not long after that though he sent the guards in to post when the lock down would lifted, and it wasn't going away on Monday as he had said, on Monday, all that was going to change was that they would get their 1 hour of rec time each day like they should have been getting all along. By the time this went down they had had all they could take. They blew up and they tore the place apart in their rage.

It is truly a miracle that inmates were not hurt. Nathan was telling us about a diabetic inmate that was beside him in the yard overnight from Friday to Saturday. He needed his insulin and was so bad he couldn't even talk. Nathan kept yelling for the guard to come over and help the man but they kept ignoring them. It wasn't until the man fell over and was having a seizure that they came over to tend to his medical needs. A couple of the guys had chest pains and were believed to have heart attacks brought on from the stress of the situation and had to be taken to the hospital. We still haven't heard any updates on these inmates and probably won't either.

Nathan tells me they were tearing everything up. Bashing stuff in with furniture. Busting out the windows. Setting piles of papers on fire. Throwing food out of the canteen, he described this like you see people throw candy to the crowd in a a parade except they were throwing boxes of chicken and buckets of bubblegum and candy. He got his buddy and said stay right by my side and they walked slowly away from the dorm and over to the ball field on the far side of the yard. There was nothing they could do to stop it, so the next best thing to do is to get as far away from it as they could. By the time the guards came back in, almost all of the inmates had gotten tired of tearing the place up and had sat down on the ground as well. They still shot tear gas in to force the inmates to surrender (at least that is what is said in the media).

There were not enough hand cuffs for 1200 people, so the used wire ties to restrain them all. Then they had them remain sitting in the yard the rest of the night with their hands restrained behind their backs. Nathan had his buddy sleep a while and then he would sleep a while, one of them always awake to make sure nothing happened to either of them. By the next day they had begun shipping inmates out to other prisons through out the state. Nathan noticed some vans for Kenton and Grant counties, both near home, so he told his buddy, stay with me and get on whatever van I get on. They ended up on a Grant county bus and he was excited because he thought he would be up close to home. That was not to be, this was just a van that was available that could transport inmates. He ended up in Lee County.

He likes his new home. He was all excited because at lunch he had 2 hard tacos. He has not had a hard taco in over 4 years. They also had a bar set up for them to get beans, rice, real lettuce (not the wilted kind), and shredded cheese. and they had pitchers of water and Koolaid on their tables along with salt and pepper shakers. Simple things that I take for granted everyday was a huge deal for him. I'm glad its a nice facility. And I'm really glad it is not that much farther from home. Of course for Nathan to be at home would be my number 1 prayer answered, but until that time, this will be a nice place for Nathan to be. I miss him so much.

So, I'm all better now. My meltdown was appropriate to the length and severity of my crisis. It didn't go on forever, but for the couple of hours it was here, was a doozy! I am so grateful that Nathan is alive.

You just never know...

2009-07-12T19:42:00.012-04:00

God is funny sometimes. I mean you don't always know what to expect from Him, or maybe I just haven't figured out His timing and His plan, and that's OK. He is, after all, God!

His timing I think is perfect, even though it doesn't really fall into my timing, since I want it all right now. I had ministry time this morning with some close friends from Crossroads. I had taken a class about Healing and Deliverance last fall but had not been able to get around to my personal ministry time that follows the class. I was really procrastinating because I knew it was going to dig up the garbage in my life. Its not that I don't want that garbage dug up. I really do, but it had been hanging around for so long that it had become my buddy. Not a good buddy, but it was there, I was used to it and it was cluttering up my life, I just didn't notice that part of it.

Anyway we had some really good prayer time. It was not the knock you to the floor prayer time, but very deep, intentional, and healing prayer time. These are friends who do not realize I have a blog, so they were not in on all the recent questions and doubts I have been going through. They have been praying for me over the past few weeks leading up to this time and they had received words of encouragement in their prayer time that they shared with me. Things that made me feel like God was actually speaking to me through them. Answers to questions that He knew about, but they did not. Confirmation that He does love me and He does care about me and He does want to be involved in the tiniest of details in my life. Hard to fathom that the creator of this earth we live on wants to know about me.

I left there drained and refreshed all at the same time. It was a good day for me today.

I talked to Nathan tonight. He is going to do Ramadan? I'm not sure if the spelling is right, but starting next week, he is going to be fasting, praying, and reading his bible from sunrise to sunset. Then he and his friends will have dinner and fellowship after sundown. I had no idea he would even consider doing something like this. I was shocked, but excited that he would take on such a sacrifice for such a long time. On this fast, they have nothing by mouth from sunrise to sunset, no food, no water, no tobacco, nothing. That would be very, very hard for me. I have fasted before but I could always have at least water during the day if I needed it.

Although I will not fast for the entire 30 days, I will probably spend part of this 30 days in fasting and prayer for my son. We are both praying for supernatural intervention from God on his behalf with his prison situation. God, I pray you honor his sacrifice. May he grow closer to you and may you reveal to Him some of the plans you have for his life.

It was funny when Nathan was telling me about Ramadan. He knows I love to eat a meal with him when I visit so he wasn't sure how I would feel if he didn't eat anything at one of his visits. I told him that we would honor his fast and not eat on the visits we had with him during his fast. I will probably need to have at least some water, but I will not eat any food or soft drinks in front of him.

Nathan was also telling me that when he got out of the hole they gave him a printout with his serve out date. This is the current date that he will be released if he does not get into any trouble. This date also started counting backwards after his first year behind bars. Every month he has good behaviour the reduce his sentence by 7 days. So as of the end of June, his serve out date is November 28, 2015. Nearly 2 years earlier than his first parole date. Is that cool or what? He just needs to keep doing what he is doing everyday and that time will continue to reduce. He is trying so hard. I am very proud of him.

Concrete Daze

2009-07-04T21:22:00.004-04:00

This writing is by my son Nathan Hardison. All of my kids enjoy writing. I guess they got that from their Momma!

Concrete Daze

by: Nathan Hardison

June, 2009

Concrete walls can hold no souls,

only bodies stark and cold

Barred windows can hold no spirit,

only bodies that come to fear it.

But look beyond the steel and gray,

Look beyond the concrete daze

For in the spirit no bounds are known,

and this body is not your only home.

For with each life new tools are given,

to help you on your path to heaven.

But whether a Christian, Muslim, or Pagan,

and whether Heaven, paradise, of summerland.

The soul will find what the soul seeks,

when it seems the body is most weak.

I love it! I hope you all enjoy it as well. His thoughts run deep. I am very proud of him!

A day at the Museum

2009-07-03T23:18:00.004-04:00

Spent the day with Austin at the Air Force museum in Dayton, OH. It was one of thos days that worked out for both our schedules. He was here at the house, and I was off from work.

I knew that I would not get a lot of time to read a lot of the descriptional stuff, we would probably just walk around and see the airplanes. How right/wrong I was. He was more interested in looking at the planes that had machine guns and bombs on it than anything else. even though I like looking at the old planes, the new ones are pretty neat also.

We also ate there. I cannot understand the appeal of a 7 year old to dip a french fry in ketchup, then sweet and sour sauce, and then ranch dressing before eating it! Too many flavors for me.

Austin is in to this weird phase where he loves the yellow caution tape you see around construction sites. I even bought a 200' roll of it for him several weeks ago. Well, he used that all over the neighborhood roping off diveways.

Well, when we got to the museum, he was in hog heaven. They have whole areas roped off with caution tape. His eyes were as big as saucers. He kept going around and looking at the tape. I told him it all says the same thing, but I guess he did not believe me.

It was a good time. He had fun and pappy had fun also.

Now Exciting Day!

2009-07-03T20:31:00.003-04:00

I heard from Nathan late this afternoon and he is out of the "hole". They came in his cell yesterday and told him to pack up his things. He asked them where he was going. All they said was you are going back out in the yard. No other explanation was given.

The truth prevailed and they released him. So tomorrow I am happily driving down to Burgin, KY to visit my son. I cannot wait to give him a great big hug and kiss. I have missed him terribly. It has been 6 weeks since I last saw him. I missed three visits while he was in the "hole". I wish the night would hurry up and get here so the morning will hurry up and get here and I can go see him.

I was just reading today in a book that sometimes we wait a long time for God to answer our prayers, and other times God answers prayers instantaneously. When we think he has forgotten us and are ready to give in, He shows up. Was this one of those times? Did he show up for me in my despair? Maybe He did.

Quiet Day

2009-07-03T15:36:00.001-04:00

I am enjoying my quiet day today. I cleaned the pool. I finished the book “Never Give Up” by Joyce Meyer. I am trying to find God and keep hope. I’ve got a pork tenderloin marinating in some Raspberry Vinaigrette for dinner later tonight. I’ve played on Farmtown. I watered my cucumber and tomato plants. And I’ve laid out in my lounge chair by the pool. I haven’t got hot enough yet to climb on into the pool. I may shortly.

I am still looking for God.

After last weeks extremely busy weekend, I am very content to have quietness as my friend and to have 3 days to enjoy the quiet. My biggest decision this weekend is if I should go to church on Saturday evening, the 4th of July, or Sunday morning, the 5th of July.

Am I the only person who is tiring of all the Michael Jackson press coverage? I was saddened by his death. I grew up with his music, I am 47 after all. I remember the Jackson 5 and “ABC”, one of my favorite songs. I even enjoyed his career through the “Thriller” album. I can’t say I followed him much after that except for the coverage on the news from time to time. I hope this settles down soon. He was, after all, just a man, not the idol that people are making him out to be.

No updates on Nathan. He was interrogated the other day by guards but will not admit to something he has not done. While I miss my visits with him, I want the truth to prevail, even if that means suffering for a while. He was put into the Special Management Unit (SMU), on June 10th. The longest they can hold him is September 9th. I can live through pain for that much time. In the meantime, keep sending him notes and cards to encourage him, he has started receiving them and is thankful for the support he is receiving. It is giving him the strength he needs to endure the “hole”, as he calls it.

Have a wonderful holiday tomorrow, the 4th of July, 2009. My your life be blessed, full of peace and joy!

Are you there God?

2009-07-01T22:24:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if God is really there, if he really knows my name (like the song says), and if he even cares at all about me. I am not seeing miracles in my life. I am really not seeing him at work in my life. And quite frankly, I am not seeing his favor on me or my family.

Why should a God care about a human? He doesn't need me, if he really is God. He doesn't talk to me in a voice I hear. I have been crying out to him for a long time about some things and I get nothing back.

I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm mad. I just want him to talk to me and help me get through this time of my life. Where is he? Is he on vacation? Is he taking a nap? Is he too busy helping someone else and he can't multi-task? What is it? What do I need to do?

I've prayed. I've taken action. I've sat back to wait. I've prayed more. I've read my bible. I've read other books. I'm not finding God though! Are you really there God? I would like to see you working in my life. I would like a miracle to happen regarding Nathan. I want to meet you and talk with you, if you really are.

Another Week Gone By

2009-06-27T14:57:00.005-04:00

I am feeling sad today and yet hopeful as well. Sad because this morning was our last group meeting for a Grief recovery class at Crossroads. In the few months that we have been meeting I have formed some very strong bonds with people I didn't know before but now consider friends. We have laughed and cried together and I will miss the weekly meetings of sharing where we are on our journey.

I pray that CR will continue to offer some type of Grief program on an ongoing basis. It was a great class that people could easily come in at anytime and feel welcome and free to share. I know it is being considered for the Fall and I look forward to seeing what the modified program is.

I had a rough Wednesday too, and I wasn't even able to put down the words about that day until now. It's funny how the littlest things can seem to crush your spirit. Mine was a haircut. Not my own haircut mind you. Not even a haircut that I have gotten to see yet. I don't know why I hadn't thought about it prior to Nathan telling me about it on Wednesday, but I hadn't and so when he told me I just cried. Not while I was on the phone with him, but afterwards, when he wouldn't know.

I guess when you are put into solitary confinement you cannot have any hair on your head. I don't know what the significance is of that except it is their way of having even further control over every thing you do or don't do. As if they don't have enough control already. Now normally, I am not bothered by my kids getting their heads shaved. Aaron keeps his head pretty much shaved. Dennis is bald and keeps the hair on the sides of his head pretty short and close to shaved. I shaved my kids hair the whole time they were growing up, so its not that I mind that hair cut choice. Not at all. Why I am bothered by it is because it wasn't his choice. It was forced on him for something that he hasn't done, but he was at work the day that someone did something and so he is also being punished for the same offense. Guilty until proven innocent.

I get rules, and submitting to authority. I really do. And like I said before, this would not normally bother me, but there was significance to Nathan growing his hair long. It was a hope issue. It gave both of us something to hope for in the future once he is released from prison. You see, we had decided that we would both keep growing our hair long until he was released from prison and then we were both going to go get our hair cut off and donate it to locks of love. That's just one more of my hopes dashed by something I cannot control. Something I did not choose. I just have to suffer the consequences of things as an innocent bystander Mom. I get so angry at a system that is so messed up and makes no sense.

I'm thinking about shaving my head as well, but I think that would just upset Nathan and so I probably will not do that. But that thought did cross my mind. Instead I am going to try to take on the image of Christ. I am going to choose to be humble, loving, long suffering, peaceful, and bless those who would hurt me. Its very hard to do that, but I know that if I turn it over to Jesus, he will take care of me and Nathan. He knows my suffering because he too suffered. He is with Nathan comforting him and he is with me comforting me. How cool that he is Omnipresent.

I am wondering what God is trying to teach me through all of this. I'm sure there is some test I failed and am having to retest on. I'm glad he is patient and allows us to retest instead of turning his back on us. If only I can be so patient in life with others. Always giving grace and love. Always showing compassion and mercy. Always spreading joy and peace.

Right now I count it all joy that I am suffering. I know it is for my good. I know that the blessings that will follow this time will be greater than I can hold and they will spill out of me as blessings on others. I know that in my story of life, there are paths I've walked that I can help someone walk along. Just as there were friends who came along side me and helped me walk my paths. I know some where right now there is someone who needs to hear my story, and when I know who they are, I am going to share it.

I'm getting ready to go rehearse for band this weekend. What a great joy it is singing with my A56 band b! We had rehearsal the other night and really worked through our weekend songs pretty quickly. We could have gone home and made an early night of it, but we were there to rehearse, so we started going through the book and just picking out our favorite songs we have done before. By the end of the evening, we had refreshed ourselves to 13 songs. It was so fun! And now the weekend is here and we get to sing for the A56 kids and for God, our saviour and king. How cool is that?

How Long

2009-06-20T07:26:00.004-04:00

Why is it the older I get, the more sleep I feel like I need, but the less sleep I get?

I am not a worrier too often. I try to go with the flow and trust God knows what he's doing. There are some things I can change and make better, I work on those. There are a lot more things that are completely out of my control, so why be worried about those things I cannot change. I can pray about them that God gives me the stamina I need as I walk through things. I can pray that God will show me some growth He is doing in my life to make be a better human. But for the most part, I cannot change many situations, so I look for any positive part of it and keep trucking along.

I am worrying right now though. I've actually been up since about 5 a.m. which for a Saturday is extremely early. And I only finally got up then because I was tired of tossing around in the bed which began around 2 a.m. This is a time I would normally be getting dressed to make the trek down to Burgin, KY and visit Nathan. It has been nearly a month now since I have gotten to see him. I have talked to him on the phone, but I am unable to visit because he was put in the "hole". Which is what they call solitary confinement. If he had done something wrong I would be OK with it, because it would be his fault. But he knows of nothing he has done that would put him in the "hole", and they are not telling him why he is there. This is very hard on his Momma I can tell you that.

I am so much a creature of habit. I visit him faithfully every 2 weeks. That would have been last weekend, but he had gone into the hole on the Wednesday before then. So now each week I look forward to him calling to tell me that he is out and I can come down that weekend and visit him. It didn't happen this week. When your son is incarcerated it is tough. If you really love them, you will alter your life in order to be supportive. I really love Nathan and that is why I visit him regularly and pay for him to call home twice a week. This not being able to visit does not only affect Nathan, it affects me and my life as well. I suffer a lot when things are chaotic with my son. It causes a turmoil inside me that just gnaws away at my spirit creating a helpless, hopeless mushed up mess.

When I am a mess, I write. So far today I wrote Nathan a 4 page letter and now I'm working in my blog. Writing is my way of talking to God or praying as some people like to call it. He already knows how I am feeling so I think writing allows me to understand how I am feeling. It allows me a quiet place where God can speak wisdom into my thoughts and help me sort out inner turmoil. It is a place where I can find peace.

My spirit is crushed right now. I so wanted to see Nathan today and give him a big kiss and hug. I need these visits as much as he does. They give me hope that things are going to be alright. I can see for myself he is OK.

I cannot even imagine having life slowly walk by you and not being able to participate in it. At least not out in the world, not out from behind the razor wire fences. I can't imagine making a mistake that would take away so many vibrant years of a young man's life. But, I can feel the pain of 2/3's of my children missing at the holidays. I can feel the pain of my grandson growing up with out the blessing of knowing his two terrific uncles. I can feel the pain of a child drinking through his life because it is so overwhelming sad that he just wants to be numb. Right now, I can feel the pain of life and it is like a 10 ton bolder on my chest crushing the life out of me. How long God, how long must I walk through this storm?

No Longer Overwhelmed

2009-06-15T20:38:00.003-04:00

I was down in the dumps today. Lower than I have been in a long time. I can't say I didn't see it coming though, the depression signs have been there for a couple of months: restless sleep, lack of interest in my favorite things, unable to concentrate, no desire to even get out of bed, no concern with appearance, sadness and the list goes on. For whatever reason, today was the day I knew I was becoming overwhelmed.

In the past I would have just shut down, crawled in bed for a few days and let the grip of depression just take over me. That is the easy way out. Get on some meds and get back to life. But this time I didn't and still don't want to go that way. I want to work through this with God's help. I believe we go through hard times for many reasons.

Struggles strengthen us. We learn to hold on to that rope for dear life and cry out to God to save us. He may let us hang on for a little while, but he always saves us.
Difficulties allow us to have empathy towards others. If we have walked through a hard place, we can then show compassion to another who may be walking through their own hard place.
Desperation teaches us to cry out to God from the depths of our souls to help us because we cannot go another step.

It has always been hard for me to humble myself and ask for help. I am one who is usually able to help others and very willing to help others, but I don't want to ask for help for myself. Today was a different day. I knew that I was about to break and instead of caving in, I did something I am learning to do with the help of my small group, I called out for help.

I have been in a small group with my Wednesday morning diva's for about a year and a half. We started meeting during our church's annual all church journey and we decided to keep meeting after that. We have since done a second all church journey and there is a group of four of us who are continuing our journey. The friendships I have formed with these ladies I will cherish forever. They are a safe environment where I can open up and share my joys, my tears, my faults, and my strengths with. Each of my friends have unique gifts. In a crisis they will all drop everything to be by my side and help me.

You may not think much of the significance of this, but it is phenomenal the depth of our relationships we have nurtured in such a small amount of time for me. I have a very difficult time making close friends. I have a lot of social friends, but the close friends, the ones that know your dirty laundry, I have maybe 10 of those. Of course, once you are one of those few that really get to know me, we will be friends until death separates us. I never had friends that were that close until I moved to Kentucky. That's when I really learned to develop close, deep, and long lasting friendships. My best friend in the world I have known for about 17 years now. She taught me that I can trust some people with my life story and they will stay around and they won't betray me.

I can't remember a specific time of being betrayed growing up, but obviously I must have been. Or there must be some reason why for the longest time I wouldn't trust people with any more than a surface friendship. Or maybe the inability to open up was due to shame. I wasn't the perfect Christian growing up that I appeared to be. I had faults and was taught that once I was saved I had to be perfect and not sin. Guess what, I still sinned, probably nearly every day, and I still do. The difference is, when I recognize it, I repent immediately and know that I am forgiven and not condemned. That is a refreshing place to be, free from shame.

Today, though, I was overwhelmed. I called my prayer warrior friend and just told her I needed prayer. I told her everything I was feeling and struggling with. I humbled myself and reached out for help, right away. Today is a result of my early Wednesday mornings at Panera. It is the blessing that comes with letting people into your life. It is the healing balm of the truth of God's word prayed over you when your hope is nearly gone.

For nearly an hour I was prayed over and scriptures were prayed over me and my family. Not puny little I'll pray for you prayers, but let's pray right now prayers. I walked outside, praying on my cell phone with my friend, while God's healing power poured over me. I can't explain it, but I know when I got off that phone, my spirit was lifted and I was no longer overwhelmed. God is still in the healing business today. We just have to humble ourselves and pray.

What is the cost?

2009-06-07T22:13:00.007-04:00

If you are a follower of Christ it will cost not only you something, but also those around you, those whom you love deeply. Jesus tells us to consider the cost before following Him. To many people following Jesus is just not worth the cost. If you cannot account a cost in your life because you are following Jesus, then you are not following Jesus.

This is just some of the notes I took this morning as I sat and listened to our Senior Pastor Brian Tome's message in our Revolutionary series. At first I was feeling a little guilty because when I quickly scanned through my life as it is now, I didn't feel like I have paid the much of a cost. But is that really the case. One weekend each month I pretty much give up my entire weekend to serve in Area 56. The band I am in sings on Saturday evening and three services on Sunday. It is a very long weekend, but I really don't think too much about it because singing in a band is something I love to do and even though I give up two days each month, God gives me the grace to pay the cost and it doesn't feel like a cost to me.

On a different weekend each month, Dennis serves on video team. Again it is both Saturday and Sunday services. I don't usually go on Sunday's with him, but I still sacrifice because he is gone that day. Again, it has just become the way we live our lives. It doesn't feel like a large cost.

We also choose to pay tithes and offering to Crossroads, our home church. Both of us make really good money so our tithes are pretty substantial, we could pay double house payments with the money we choose to give to Crossroads. But again, it is easy to give because we believe in Crossroads and we believe that they are following the footsteps of Christ in the decisions they make. By giving, we are a part of all of the ministries that are happening not on at Crossroads but in South Africa, in New Orleans, in Sri Lanka, in Cincinnati.

On a more personal level, what about my son Nathan? Twice a month I choose to drive two hours to Burgin, KY, wait in line, get padded down, visit for two hours, hug and kiss my son and tell him how much I love him, and then drive two hours back home. I just do this. It has become part of my life for the past 3 1/2 years and will continue to be part of my life as long as he is in prison. Is this also a worship to God? He has for the most part been forgotten by all his friends and all his family except his Dad and me. Some may say that I choose to do this because he is my son. This is a very true statement, but I could visit less frequently or I could just write him letters and save my gas money. But I choose to visit. Every other weekend on either Saturday or Sunday morning because his face lights up when he lays his eyes on me. and when I hug him, he hugs me back like he hasn't seen me in years. Am I showing him Jesus through my love for him? Its unconditional, just like Jesus.

What about on my job? when I am at work I give it everything I have. I always give my "A" game. I love my job. Is this serving Christ? Is this worship to God. What is the cost of giving my all at work? I actually reap rewards from giving my all. Great pay, bonuses, shares - God has blessed me tremendously on my job. All this even with me choosing to keep my home life and work life separate. I very rarely bring work home. When I am at home I give my all to home. But I also very rarely bring home to work. They are not paying me to take care of my home life on their time. there are exceptions in everything, but 99% of the time I keep these arenas of my life separate.

So I ask you - Can you give an account of your cost since you chose to follow in Christ's footsteps? He was the great leader you know, He asks us to lay down our lives, and he can do this because he first laid down his own. In matters of love you must take care of it yourself. (from the book Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus) Jesus loved us so much! He was so passionate in his pursuit of us that he had to take on human flesh and then lay down his life on the cross because of his love for us. And in matters of love you must take care of it yourself.

Be blessed!

Facebook - Farmtown

2009-06-06T22:00:00.007-04:00

Here's the deal: I spend entirely too much time on my farm on Face book.

What every possessed me to even get a farm. I mean really, if Aaron didn't take care of my yard here at home I would have grass up to my knees. And get my hands dirty, I don't think so. I hate having dirt get under my fingernails. I went outside today to pull a few weeds and prune some of my flowering plants to keep them blooming. They do look really nice. Aaron keeps up on things with landscaping and makes my life so easy.

I also made sure my tomato and cucumber plants were weeded and watered really well on the back deck. Dennis would have been so proud of me. I actually unlocked the padlock and went down into the back yard to turn on the hose so I could water the plants on the deck. He gives me such a hard time about that because I rarely leave the deck in the back yard. No need to, The pool, hot tub and my lounge chair are all on the deck. that's everything I need.

Anyway, back to Farmtown. For some reason earlier today it really hit me, almost like a smack in the face, that I spend too much time in Farmtown. And I have found the more time I spend there, the more time I want to spend there. I've decided it is a time waster that I need to cut back on. So what is the big draw I started to ponder and decided that it is control. When I am on my farm I can control everything about my farm. I can control what crops I plant. I can control what I put on my farm. I can control what I buy at the store. I can control how many farm animals I have. I can control if I play the music or if I let the animal sounds play. I can control when I harvest my crops. And I can control how much money I have, which is a lot right now because I am saving for my mansion that I cannot even buy until level 34 and I am only at 29 right now. It is taking me over a week to move up each level. When I started you would move up a level every day it seemed like. Yes, in Farmtown I am in control.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! Brakes on, reality check, back to real life! In life, I am SO NOT in control. If I were in control, Ian would be alive, Nathan would not be in prison, and Aaron would still be married to his first true love Sarah raising my grandson Austin. Because that is what I would want. But in life I do not have control, I can do as much as I can to try and control things, but when all is said and done I am powerless. Unfortunately we live on earth and the prince of darkness is the ruler of the earth, but even with this, God is still in control!

He is the one there to help me through tough times. Many people would think that losing a son would be the worst thing that could happen to a Mom. And it is bad, believe me, it is tough to work through the death of child. But I struggle more with my son Nathan who is in prison. With Ian, there is nothing more I can do, he is gone. I cannot talk to him. I cannot bring him back to life. I cannot hug him. Nothing. I got nothing. There is not anything I can do to bring Ian back. I am not in control.

With Nathan, I wonder if there is something I can do to get him home sooner. Does he know how much I love him. Does visiting him or writing him letters make a difference to him. Have I looked at all options and turned over all stones that may make a difference in his life. It is an ongoing angst. It makes my heart hurt over and over and over again. And my heart will continue to ache until he gets to come home.

And what about Aaron? I cannot imagine how he is feeling right now because I have never traveled in his shoes. I have never had two brothers and within 17 months he has lost both of his brothers. One is in prison for at least 12 years. The other one is dead. And not only were these his brothers, they were his best friends, especially Ian, and he was their older brother. The guilt he is carrying must be beyond belief. He has the older brother, I was their example, they followed in my footsteps, I influenced choices they made, GUILT. That pain cannot even begin to be measured. How do you help that pain? I love him so much but I feel like I can't get to where he is. I wonder if he knows he means the world to me. I wonder if there are words I can say to help him. God I need your help here, PLEASE!

I do have a little bit of control though. For instance, I can choose to find joy in my journey. I cannot tell you where I pull that joy from, I believe it is from God, but I choose to not dwell on those things that can bring me down. When I need to, I let them get to me once in a while and I let the tears flow. They heal me. when I cry I understand how great God's love is for me. I can feel His hug surround me and I know that "This too shall pass" and He will help me walk through it. I don't know how it all works, but I know He is bigger than my problems.

Somehow joy helps me keep moving along. I don't minimize it at all because if I didn't find a way to have joy in my life, I might as well just lay down and die. And you know what? God's not finished with me yet so I am not going to lay down and die. I am going be happy and live!

Vegas Baby!

2009-05-21T21:06:00.010-04:00

We went to Vegas in April 2009. This was a trip to celebrate my birthday. I have been to Vegas on business, Denise had never been, so it looked to be a lot of fun. I had gotten a 'invitation' to visit a time share. you know the kind, go through their place, listen to their deal, and see what happens. The thing to do is to just say NO! We can do that pretty well, so I took them up on the offer. The Hilton was nice, the 2 hour presentation was OK. I think we set the tone early, because when the guy asked what we liked to do on vacation. we both said "not a hotel, we like cruises!" I think he saw that this was not going to go well for him. It started at 38K and at the end of 2 hours, it was at 8K. We still said no, and they said thank you for coming, and handed us $80 in casino money! SWEET!

With that done, we had all the time to explore. You would not know that there was a recession going on. The casino's and streets were packed with people. We walked around, rode the bus up and down the strip, and gambled a little bit. Did not win, but had a good time doing it.

Here are some pictures of our great adventure.

MGM Hotel

We also saw the Belaggio hotel and fountain. This is the one you see a lot in the CSI show. They have a fountain set to different songs. Pretty neat!

Here is a video I took.

On saturday, we were going to go canyon zip line flying, but the wind was at about 50MPH, which would have played havoc with the zip lines. We ended up driving out to Hoover Dam and taking a tour, very impressive..

We spent the last night at the Sunset Casino and Hotel. Lot of fun under one roof. We even found a couple of guys playing in the bar and had a great time listening to them. Don't know their names, but I guess I'll make the famous by putting them in our blog.

We had a blast, but at the end of it all. 'been there, done it, got the T-shirt' Vegas was fun, but don't think we will go back anytime soon. Look for Denise's scrapblog to see all the other neat stuff we did on the trip.

2009-05-18T21:59:00.002-04:00

I like my dentist. I really do, but I hate to go to the dentist and get dental work done. It always hurts. I can go for my normal cleaning and that is fine, but then they find something else wrong and so when I go back for that to be taken care of, that hurts. Usually really, really bad. Just like last Thursday. I had to go back because I needed 2 crowns. So he drilled out my old fillings and grounded down my teeth and made molds of my mouth and put temporary crowns in.

While he was doing all this, I didn't really feel any pain at all. He is real good at numbing my mouth and face. In fact he rubs Novocaine on before he gives me shots of Novocaine so I don't even hurt from the shots. At least not right then. Ask me how I feel 3 hours later and its a different story. My whole right side of my head hurt. In fact it was so bad I called and had to get something for the pain. Well the medicine relieves the pain but I can't take it while I'm working because it makes me dizzy and tired and well that just won't work. I do take my Tylenol faithfully and as long as I keep it in my system I am good, but don't let me forget it.

Anyway, it is now Monday evening. My face has hurt all day. In fact I couldn't eat all my dinner because my mouth still hurts so badly. Shouldn't it be OK since the work was done 4 days ago? This is terrible. It makes me want to never go back to the dentist again. I don't like to hurt, is that such a big deal? All I want is to have pretty teeth and a mouth that does not hurt. I do like the pretty crowns, no more silver fillings. I just need the pain to go away and I'll be a happy camper again.

OK, so other than that I am doing pretty good. I am getting ready to head up to Akron on Wednesday evening to visit with Mom and Dad. I need to get moving on work stuff over the next 2 days so I have no worries when I am out on Thursday and Friday. I'm talking La La La Long Weekend - Monday is Memorial Day, so I will be off 5 days in a row - woohoo - mini vacation.

2009-05-16T22:05:00.003-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about dreams lately. Specifically what are my dreams and am I living my life towards achieving my dreams.

Some Dreams I have: Traveling the world, Log Cabin, Retire in the Caribbean
I travel several times each year, so I am living that dream regularly. Now the problem with living that dream regularly means that my other dreams are really on the back burner because any money I may possibly save towards one of those long terms dreams, I am spending each year. So, I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I am having a great time traveling.

Some Dreams I had to give up on: Seeing Ian get married and have children, Seeing Ian have a successful military career, Having all my sons, their wives, and grandkids around for holidays.
HMM - This is the part of grieving that people don't think about unless they have experienced death themselves. It's a sadness that pops up when you least expect it and you just have to deal with it and go on. I'm sure every Christmas from now on I will have this sadness try to overwhelm me and know instinctively as the Mom that I must suppress that sadness, at least until everyone has gone home or is in bed for the night. Then I can let the waves of this sadness wash over me and drag me under for a little while. Its like those waves where you are being drug under the water, hitting the bottom, disoriented, unable to breath, knowing that you will eventually pop back above the water if you just relax and not panic. This sadness is just like that. You are out of control but if you don't panic and just relax and let it happen, you do surface again and you feel better knowing that you allowed that pain to go free.

Some Dreams I don't have control of, but I am dreaming of anyway: Freedom for my son Nathan, Marriage to their soul mates for my sons Aaron and Nathan, more Grandchildren, My children and grandchildren being Christ followers.
These are the I trust you God dreams. Some of them may not happen, some of them will happen but I don't know exactly when. But if I dwell on the idea that they will never happen and allow myself, I could get depressed so deep that I would not want to go on. These are the dreams that I pray about, heavily, and I tell God about them. Sometimes I feel like when my kids were younger and they had no problem begging me for something. Please Mom, I'm begging you. That's exactly how I cry out to God. Please God, I'm begging you, bring my Nathan home to me. I miss him so badly. Please. And then I wait and I trust that God is taking care of it in his time. Its so hard to do that sometimes, but that's all I can do. God is my only hope! I can cling to him or have nothing. I'm clinging!

Some Dreams I haven't even thought of yet. These are the ones I'm currently praying about. I feel like God is getting ready to bring forth something new in my life. I can't put my finger on it. I'm not sure what it is. But I am stirred in my spirit and I am excited, so excited to know where God is leading me. I feel like the past 5 or 6 years have been a time of preparation for me. I have been working in ministry and I have been working my job, being successful in both of those areas, but they were preparing me for God's next positioning of me in his Kingdom. These are the Dreams I want to see fulfilled, those that are about God's Kingdom here on earth. So now I pray, God show me your way and give me your wisdom as I walk in your way. I'm ready!

It's been 2 years.....

2009-04-10T20:40:00.005-04:00

We just passed an anniversary in our lives. Not one that brings any smiles, often it brings tears. Ian passed away on April 9, 2007. Even at 2 years from that date, it is fresh, it hurts deep and sometime's it is overwhelming. God has a way using time to heal, there are many times that I think about it, but for the most part I think about the happy times. I really miss him, his smile, his being around the house, his playing on the guitar.

As we move further from that day, it only tends to put our lives into perspective that there are important things in life, and then there are IMPORTANT things in life. Things come and go, but relationships that we have with loved ones mean everything.

There was a new grave that was placed near Ian. When it happened at the end on January of this year, Denise and I were kind of shocked. First of all, out of all the places in the cemetary, why did someone end up right near Ian. It was like someone was encroaching on our space, the place where we go to be close to our son. Yesterday, we went to the cemetary to spend some time, clean up and remember the day our world changed. There was a marker at the new grave. It had the name a little girl that only lived for 9 years. It was at this time we both realized that it was OK for someone to be there, and we thought about our search for this place that is now Ian's resting place. We looked for somewhere peaceful, under some trees, we found it there, and I am sure these parents were looking for the same type of place. We have also placed a bench there that allows us to sit and talk, so I hope they get some use out it also.

We did some internet searching last night and found out that the little girl was killed in a truck accident, that also involved her younger sister and father. They survived, she did not. We had Ian for 20 years, they had their little girl for only 9 years. Life is fragile, live it to it's fullest and enjoy all of the friends and loved ones around you.

We had a remembrance placed in the local community paper on April 9th to remember Ian. We did this last year and it really came out nice. You can click on it to make it bigger.

Habitat House is finished!

2009-03-26T21:44:00.003-04:00

I finally finished the electrical work on the Habitat for Humanity home that is being built by our church, Crossroads. It is located in Northside, Cincinnati, and this one was a great one to work on. It was being built for a family that has an interesting story.

Austino Lewis - Kama Quaye - Jeffrey
Austino & Kama will share this home with their 10-year old son Jeffrey. Kama and Jeffrey immigrated to the United States in May of 2005 with Austino joining them in September of 2006. They lived for over 15-years in a refugee camp in Ghana after escaping from Liberia during Liberia's civil war. At the camp, they lived in tents and eventually a makeshift building of bricks, never having running water or electricity, and the camp, as a whole, continually struggled to provide enough food and water.
Austino works at CORE providing care for disabled adults. Austino was a journalist in Liberia and contributed to a weekly newspaper while in Ghana. Kama works at Cincinnati Children's Hospital.

To see the start to finish project, go to http://pharmacy.uc.edu/habitat/index.cfm

I worked with many volunteers to wire the house. Crossroads volunteers do all of the work, except for the heating and plumbing. It is a lot of work, takes time, but to see the joy that it brings to the family when they finally see their dream fulfilled is great.

The Stone

2009-03-17T23:05:00.015-04:00

Well after almost 2 years, the memorial stone for Ian Christopher was placed this month. It is beautiful and was well worth the time it took for us to design it. I have very mixed emotions going on inside of me right now. I am very happy with the stone and I am excited that Ian's memorial is finally in place. I am also dealing with the finality of this event. It was the very last part of the death process for me and may be part of the reason it took so long to finish it.

I miss my son everyday. And even though I can look back on his life and the memories make me smile and sometimes even laugh. Those memories are so bittersweet. I would love to just be able to hug him and laugh with him and hear him sing a new song that he wrote to me. Those memories are the ones that are fading, his voice, his laughter. These things are not captured in the hundreds of photographs I have of him, they are in my memory now and will eventually fade away. That makes me sad.

Anyway, this post is to share the stone with friends and family. I hope you enjoy it.

Time now for a good cry -

Happy Valentine's Day

2009-02-13T23:10:00.005-05:00

This is for my lovely wife Denise!

Book 1 2008

2009-01-17T09:25:00.006-05:00

I printed my very first book from the Scrapblog website. It is amazing. The quality is excellent. The pictures were very clear and the embellishments turned out lovely. I am hooked on digital scrapbooking now. Let me tell you why.

In October of 2008 I discovered Scrapblog and decided to start playing around with it. So I started with a trip to San Francisco that we took in January 2008. In no time I had completed that album and it was about 60 scrapbooked pages. Now, I have been scrapbooking for many years and to complete these pages in an album, printing the pictures, buying the paper, embellishments, adhesives, etc, buying extra pages for the album and of course page protectors, it would have been very expensive and it would have taken me months. In Scrapblog I was done in a week and until I printed the album the cost was zero. Yes you heard me right, I designed an entire trip for no money!

That first album was all it took to hook me in. I decided I would put the entire year together and then print it into one large book. So I have been busy Scrapblogging and as of last weekend I had done the entire year of 2008. In about 10 weeks I finished a whole year of pictures! There were so many scrapbook pages that I have to print 3 books because the books hold 50 pages (this works out to 100 scrapbook pages front and back). The first 2 books will be full books and the 3rd book will contain about 75 pages. So in 10 weeks I have completed 275 scrapbook pages. Is that amazing or what!

Now, you haven't heard the best part. The first book cost me $107. That's right only $107 for 100 scrapbook pages. My estimate if I had done the equivalent in the old fashioned way to duplicate that book would have been over $300. I am going to be able to print my entire year, 3 books for about the same as the first book would have cost me if I had scrapbooked the old fashioned way. There is no comparison. I like my time and I like my money. Scrapblog helps me use less of both of those. I love Scrapblog!

I am waiting to print books 2 and 3 because I have printed other books for other people first. One is for my son Nathan who is in prison. I used to send him pictures on a regular basis, and I will probably continue doing that, but I was able to put together a soft cover book for him that shipped yesterday. It has my favorite pages from the entire year in his book so he will see some of my Scrapblog pages in print before I do. I can't wait to hear that he has received his book and how much he likes it. I didn't journal as much as I normally do because I was working quickly to get it done, but I did take the time to tell the story and I think that is important as part of documenting your photos and your life.

I also made a book to send my sister. She has had a rough start to 2009 so I created Darla's Cheer Book. It features pages of when she visited with Gabriel this year and some of my trip up there when we took pictures for Mom and Dad's anniversary. I tried to pick pages that I thought would bring a smile to her face and let her know I'm thinking about her and I love her. It was only about $20 for that book and she will love it forever.

I am looking at my digital scrapbooking as an investment in the lives of those I love. I can send the link to my pages and they can view them on line or I can send a book or even just print some of the pages without binding. There are memories in these pages that bring smiles or tears. But even the tears are bittersweet because you think back fondly of the time you did have with those who are not here anymore.

I haven't even shared the best part of creating scrapbooks for me. The best part is that I can work through hard times in life when I scrapbook. That is why I like to journal my pages. I can pick one or two photos and then write and write about what was happening that day and how I felt. When my son Ian died writing is what helped me to cope and work through my grief. I would work on pages with him and remember the day we took the photos and I would smile when I thought about those happy times. It doesn't replace him. I still miss him everyday and the oddest things will bring on the tears, instantly. Instead it helps me remember the wonderful things about him and how silly and fun he was to be around.

I encourage you, if you are reading this, take the time to write your story. Some days it is boring, but some days there are amazing things happening that others may read someday and say I feel just like that sometimes. And they can see how you work through your difficult times and thrive. I am thriving right now and I believe its because I take the time to write my life! I hope you enjoy reading about it.

2009 - It will be divine!

2009-01-05T18:53:00.006-05:00

Happy New Year! I am gallbladderless for 2009. On New Year's Eve after a rough December I had my gallbladder removed. I guess this is a good thing although I am not feeling all that good yet. I did head into work and lasted until 3:30 today, not bad since surgery was only 6 days ago. I am a little sore, the pain is tolerable though so I'll keep pressing on.

I have no resolutions for 2009. I usually have the usual, lose weight, exercise, be a better person, all the boring resolutions that everyone has but this year I decided not to resolve myself to anything. When I lost 100 pounds nearly 5 years ago that was cool. I have kept that weight off and although I would love to be about 30 pounds lighter than I am, I am also ok with the weight I am so I'll just continue maintaining the weight I am at.

I hate exercising. It is boring. It makes me sweat. It makes me dirty extra clothes and I hate doing laundry! Did I mention that I hate exercising because I really, really do. I will try to be more physically active. Maybe I'll walk the stairs just to do it not because I am needing to get from one floor to another. I'll just take a walk and use the stairs. I'll get up from my desk and walk around a few minutes. Not on an exercise walk, but just a walk to move for a few minutes because you all know by now, I hate exercising!

We are remodeling right now - what a trip that is. We have 2 bathrooms on the main level of the house and they are both in the middle of make overs. The master bath has become the everyone uses it bath. The tile floor is in and heated - really nice. The toilet is back in place and functioning. The walls are not painted and many need drywall work before painting. All of the woodwork is off and there are cabinets that need to be removed and other cabinets that need to go in. It is the functioning bathroom at the moment.

The everyone can use it bathroom is in the process of becoming the new expanded master bath. It is totally torn apart and currently unusable. It will be super cool when it is done, but until then life at the Hardison household is interesting. I will get a washer/dryer in my old master closet which is totally going to be cool and I can hardly wait for that to happen. I'm hoping to talk Dennis into getting that installed sooner than later.

I have lost my beautiful ocean green/blue colored office, craft room. I just want to cry. This room will become part of my master bathroom and the rest will be my master closet. Much larger than my old closet, but where will I put all my craft stuff? Did I tell you my guest bedroom is currently the home to my closet stuff on temporary hanging rods from IKEA my new favorite store you should check it out! I boxed up my Cd's in alphabetical order because I am anal like that. I bought 12 containers and it wasn't enough for all of my Cd's so I am going to have to get a few more of them. I even got rid of any duplicate Cd's or Cd's I don't want any more. The Cd boxes are from IKEA as well.

I haven't been posting on this site too much because I have been so busy on Scrapblog.com. Oh My Gosh! It is this cool site and I am doing the entire 2008 year of scrap booking digitally. I am hoping to be able to print the year out very soon. I don't have too many other events to scrapbook and I'll be done with the entire year. Its unbelievable how cool this site is. You should check out some of my albums under Denise H or DHardison or something. I don't remember right now. You can find me pretty easy though. I haven't decided what my favorite album is that I have done for the year but the Krohn's Conservatory butterfly show has some beautiful photo's in it. I also love some of the shots for Aaron's 25th Birthday when we went skydiving.

I hope you all have a divine 2009. Live your life to the fullest everyday. Don't miss out on doing something you want to do because life is short and you may never get to do those dream things. I hope you all prosper this year. God blessed us in 2008 beyond my highest wildest dreams! He is so amazing. Love you all - post a comment if you get a chance! Denise

Deep Deep Song

2008-11-02T21:22:00.006-05:00

This was sang at our weekend services at Crossroads. Has a great message and it's becoming one of my favorites. It is by Jeremy Riddle

May your voice be louder
And May your voice be clearer
Than all the others, than all the others
And may your face be dearer
And may your words be sweeter
Than all the others, than all the others in my life

Please keep my eyes fixed on you
Please root my heart so deep in you
Keep me abiding, keep me abiding
Keep me abiding that I may yield fruit

And may your presence be truer
And may your presence be nearer
Than all the others, than all the others
And may your light shine brighter
And may your love move deeper
Than all the others, than all the others in my life

Please keep my eyes fixed on you
Please root my heart so deep in you
Keep me abiding, yes, keep me abiding
Keep me abiding that I may yield fruit

Please keep my eyes fixed on you
Please move my heart so deep in you
Keep me asking, keep me asking
Keep me abiding that I, oh that I may yield fruit
Keep me close to you, oh, right next to your heart
Right next to your heart, close to you.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T21:06:00.004-04:00

Master Austin was a fireman tonight! A very handsome one I must add. Check him out with his gorgeous Pappie!!!

These are the most handsome men in the whole wide world and I adore both of them and even better than that, they both adore me. How lucky can one woman be?

This has been a really nice Halloween for Dennis and I. We are praying for a miracle on behalf of our son Nathan. We have recently been made aware of a situation that may allow my sons sentencing to at least be looked at and possible reduced based on the case of the other person that was involved in his case. I would ask that you all just pray for a miracle on his behalf. We are hoping for at best that the opportunity of shock probation opens back up for him and that it is approved and he gets an early release. If not for that, we are also hoping for his sentencing to be reviewed and possibly reduced based on errors that may have occured in his case. I am not at liberty to share much here, but I would ask that you pray for our situation and that God would intervein and we can see a miracle in the life of our son. I know that God is a miracle worker and I am praying for a miracle.

The band I sing in for Area 56 at Crossroads sings this weekend. I am really excited because a friend of mine was looking to hook up in one of the Area56 and our bass player has not really been there recently so I invited Jay to practice and play with us for the next month or so. He rehearsed with us this week and it was great! He is a great fit in our band and I'm so glad I asked him to join us. We are singing some really cool songs this weekend. Lifesong by Casting Crowns, and a Vineyard song called So Amazing. I'm still getting used to being the lead singer of the band. I am much more comfortable with the backup singer part of a band. But I love being able to use a special gift God has given me to be a blessing to Him and others. I am so glad to be part of the band and singing.

Awaited is coming soon, very soon. If you are interested in coming to see it, let me know because choir members usually get to reserve seats prior to the seats being available to the general public. They are free tickets but must be reserved. So let me know if you want tickets that I can reserve for you. We started costumes about 5 weeks ago and are continuing to work on them. Right now we are searching for blue velvet. I believe I found what I'm looking for today, just not sure if we will go with Navy or Royal blue. Once that is decided I will pull a team of sewers together and get going. My job is working on the decorative sashes. It will be lots of fun once we get going on them. Sometimes it seems like it is moving really slow, probably since I don't have my base fabric yet. Not too much longer until that will be in my hands.

God is good! His mercy is new every morning!

To my Sweetest

2008-10-17T22:09:00.005-04:00

This is my pretty little darling, she is the love of my life, mother of our 3 boys, and my very best friend. Denise is a wonderful person, a lot of fun to be around, full of energy, loves to do the weirdest things (skydiving!!!) and I cannot imagine my life without her.

Happy Sweetest Day, Sweetheart!!!

Finally!!!!!

2008-10-15T08:01:00.001-04:00

I completed all the requirements for my commercial pilot rating on Monday, Oct 13. It has been a long time coming. Seems like every time I started into it, I would get distracted. I was able to connect with Rick Hoofring, a friend of mine who instructs, we nailed down some of the things I needed work on, and I completed my check ride on Monday. Not sure what's next on the horizon for flying. I am getting the bug to instruct, so I will possible start looking into getting my flight instructor rating.

2008-10-09T20:11:00.003-04:00

Hi Everyone!
I didn't fall off the face of the earth. I really don't know why I haven't written. I have been spending more time reading books, including my bible and praying. For someone who has been a "Christian" nearly all of my life, I really have not spent the energy or time in learning much about this God that I follow and believe in.

Our church has really been pushing us to dig down into a deeper relationship with God. I wasn't reading my bible at all. I wasn't praying much more than a thank God for something every once in a while. If I really think about it, I wouldn't consider myself to be that good of a Christ follower after all. We had a series called "Core Strength" and it talked about developing our core, and compared it to building up your core muscles in your body. There is nothing glorious about it, but if you don't develop your core muscles you cannot function. Your core muscles affect every movement in your body.

So, I decided I want to develop my core and I have been trying to study my bible and pray a little bit every day. Have I noticed dramatic changes in my life, no not really, but I have noticed that I am more in tuned to hearing from God right now. Not an audible voice, its more like a nudge. Like one night in church I was sitting by my close friend and God just really impressed on me that she needed prayer. I am such an introvert I'm thinking OK I'll just pray in my head and that will be good. No not to God, praying in my head was not good. I needed to pray for her so that she could hear the words that God impressed on me to pray for her about. Did it hurt me to do this? NO! and both of us felt better afterwords.

I have been studying about fasting. I thought that fasting meant that you went a period of time without any food and could drink only water. But I was wrong. I read the book "Fasting" and have learned there are many types of fasts including one called a Daniel fast where you eat fruits, vegetables, and nuts with water to drink. I decided to try an extended Daniel fast because I am wanting to see some breakthroughs in my life and it says in the bible that some miracles only happen by fasting and prayer. I am trying both of those things right now.

It is very hard to do without meat for 3 weeks. The main thing I have really missed but will probably stay away from going forward is my Diet Cokes. I love them. I used to drink 3-4 20 ounce bottles per day. I was having some serious hip pain that was shooting down my leg. It was a burning feeling and at times I could hardly walk. I now have hardly any pain at all. So I bet you are wondering why I think its from the Diet Cokes right? Well I've been reading about something called Aspartame poisoning and I think I may have had it and probably still do since I haven't been doing without it for very long yet. There are all kinds of sides effects from this poisoning including headaches, blood pressure problems, joint pain, etc. Its bad for you! I can't be positive that's what is going on in my body, but what I do know is that 3 weeks ago I was seriously considering getting a cane to walk with and now my pain is nearly gone. It could be from not drinking Diet Cokes or it could be that God healed me! Either one works for me.

Hey if you are reading this please pray for my friend Beverly's dad. I don't know his name but he left his home on Monday and no one knows his whereabouts. He has had some dementia in the past so they are really concerned since this is now Thursday evening and he is still missing. Pray for his safe return. Pray that someone will see that he is disoriented and help care for him until they can determine who he is. Pray that he is safe and no harm comes to him. That is what I am praying right now, in Jesus name.

WOW - that happened so quickly. I am sitting here crying when I think about how I would feel if I were in that situation. I would be going nuts right now. Please pray for the entire family.

I'll have to write more soon. I feel like I need to take some time and pray right now.

Depths of a Mothers Love

2008-08-22T19:40:00.003-04:00

Dennis spent most of the week in Chicago for work this week. We were supposed to go to a wine tasting at the Cincinnati Zoo on Thursday night and since he was not going to make it back by then I asked Aaron if we would take his old Mom to the zoo for a wine tasting and he said sure.

Well by the time we both got home from work and got cleaned up to leave it was about 6:00. I looked at the paperwork for the event and it started at 6:00 so we could not get there in time, impossible. So I told him we could go out for a nice dinner and split a bottle of wine instead. We were going to go to Olive Garden since they just opened back up recently after being completely torn down and rebuilt. They said 60-70 minutes, this is on a Thursday night, not on the weekend. I looked over at Aaron and he wasn't in to waiting which was a good thing because I didn't want to wait either.

We drove around the corner about a mile from Olive Garden and stopped at Macaroni Grill. They seated us immediately. Aaron decided to get a martini instead of wine so I just had the house Chianti with my meal. It was yummy! It was so nice to just go out with Aaron and have some one on one time with him. That doesn't happen much, but when it does, he will talk about life and how he's doing with different things.

He recently broke off with his fiance. He was actually surprised how hard a time he was having with it. There were a lot of circumstances around why he ended it and many were very wise and difficult choices. I think the main thing was her parents over involvement in their lives. When they decided to marry it was going to be next spring on a beach near the ocean. She wanted to wear a sundress, he was going to be in khaki shorts and a white shirt. Very relaxed, most likely only their closest friends and family would attend, and very much casual and intimate.

Her parents would have nothing of that. First of all, she couldn't get married away from home, none of their relatives would be able to come. They wouldn't get any gifts. She needed to get married at the same country church her parents got married in. Aaron could compromise that he supposed. Of course, then it went from a spring break date to an end of February date. Let me tell you what, there will be no sundress or shorts at a February wedding in Independence, KY. It is cold here in February. Aaron is now getting a bit agitated, but still not saying too much.

Then there were the bridesmaids, I believe it was going to be almost 10 of them. Aaron has 2 really good friends, that's it, not 10! So here are all these bridesmaids and no guys to escort them. Aaron is becoming even more agitated at this point. There were numerous other things that kept changing. She also suddenly became extremely jealous of him. If he didn't call and talk with her every single day then he was allegedly cheating on her. She obviously doesn't know our family very well. We can coexist in the same house, cook meals in the same kitchen, even sit in front of the TV while we eat our meals in total silence. If we don't have something to say, we just don't talk, no big deal. Her family has to talk to each other all day long every day. On our drive to Mobile, Alabama this past spring break when we went on our cruise to Mexico. If her phone was in service she was talking to someone in her family. They all seemed to need to know what everyone was doing at every moment of every day. That is not how we operate.

I do like to know whether Aaron is coming home or not so I know how many locks to secure on the door, but I don't need to know where he is going or who he is going to be with. He's 25, he can come and go as he pleases. Do I ever worry about Aaron when he's gone at night? You bet, that's why I'm friends with God and we chat about it when I get worried.

We talked about so many other things. He is looking for a new job. I am glad for several reasons. My selfish reason is that I want to get my front stair carpeting clean and have it stay that way for more than a day. But I really worry about his back. Landscaping is just messing up his back in a huge way to the point he can hardly stand the pain at times. I also worry about the money. You don't make very much landscaping, even when you do manage a team of guys, it is still a low paying wage. Also his insurance is not the greatest. He does have some and we are grateful for that, but he also has a 6 year old son and the co-pay is pretty high as well as if they only pay 80%, that other 20% can add up quickly.

His best friend for a very long time, Steve, told him they are going to be hiring a few positions soon. It is a factory job, but the pay is better as well as the benefits. I believe he told me they work with food flavorings or something like that. I am praying that he gets one of these positions. He could really use to be in a new environment around some different people.

We also talked about his going back to school. If he will go, I told him I would help him pay for it. I'm trying to talk him into a 2 year trade school for an x-ray technician or paramedic. There are so many good trades that have good paying jobs available once you get the schooling. He said he would look into it. I hope he does.

We also talked about church and God. He is under the mindset that he has to get things straightened up before he starts going to church. I told him he can come right where he is right now. You don't have to change to get closer to God. God loves you just as you are, he just wants you to get closer to Him. If things need to change, He'll help us change, but we don't have to change a thing to love God.

That's what's so cool about God. He is crazy in love with me all the time! I don't have to be perfect and never make mistakes. He's the one who helps me know when I mess up and what would have been a better way. But He stays crazy in love with me anyway.

That's how I feel about my kids. I am crazy in love with my kids all the time! Even when they mess up. Even if they cause me pain. Even if I have to watch them suffer through mistakes because they wouldn't trust my advice and had to go try things their own way. I am still crazy in love with them. In fact I don't think it is possible to even measure the depth of a Mother's love. My love is unmeasurable. It does not have boundaries or limitations. It is always there!

Dinner was fantastic if I haven't said that all ready. I totally loved spending the evening with Aaron and just talking about our lives. He was down, but I encouraged him that it will get better. He may not see how right now, but life does get better.

Shock at another Senseless Death of a Child

2008-08-22T09:38:00.003-04:00

Oh My Gosh! I cannot get this. I just can’t! I raised 3 sons, we traveled all over the place all the time, but never once did I forget them in a car. Please, tell me what is so important in life that a mother is so distracted that her child is left in a car for 8-10 hours. I just cannot understand this. It happened a year ago in this area. How can you forget your child?

God forgive me for being so critical. Children are a gift from you. We have no higher calling but to raise them to the best of our ability. Having lost a son to drugs, I beat myself up over and over about what I could have done differently or why he was so drawn to the next high. But never would I have just forgotten about one of my children.

This is an 11 month old baby. Help me understand how a parent becomes so distracted with their job that it blocks out all memory of their most important role in their life.

OK, I have put my thoughts out her. Am I alone in this?

I’m ok with people pulling around the parents hand supporting them through this and praying for them and the grandparents and siblings. All of those people who had no involvement in this terrible loss, but they have to deal with it and try to make sense of something that doesn’t’ make sense. God please help them now. I’ve lost a child suddenly and I have hurt so terribly bad. Please help them.

God please help me to love like you love and forgive like you forgive, even if it doesn’t make any sense to me. Help me love them. That’s the only commandment you have put on me, to love others, so help me to love.

Vacation

2008-08-14T20:29:00.013-04:00

Ah, summer vacation! I love traveling any place new. This summer I spent a few days in Asheville, NC and the rest of the week in Charleston, SC. For as much time as I was vacationing you would think I would have a ton of pictures, but I have very few pictures at all. I will share my cheapskates massage treatment pictures from downtown Charleston. Here's a picture of me and Georgetta (Ross's sister) getting our cheapskate massages at the local department store. It felt pretty good actually.

Its been a long time since I laughed as hard as I did on this trip. There was always something fun happening at Mike and Georgetta's place to make us laugh. There was no chance of ever going hungry either. We were served wonderful meals everyday we were there. I say served because I wasn't allowed in Georgetta's kitchen while she was cooking or cleaning. She did lighten up toward the end of the week because I think I wore her down. She has the gift of hospitality that I wish I had!

While in Asheville we went to the Chimney Rock overlook in the Smokey Mountains. It was interesting because there was a forest fire on the other side of the mountain and we could watch the helicopter get water from Lake Lure and then fly around the mountain, dump the water and fly back to the lake for more. There is also a beautiful, huge American flag on the overlook. The weather was beautiful that day and we had a wonderful time.

We decided not to go to the Biltmore estate because I did not want to spend the $50 for a ticket. Way to expensive to go and look at a house. Maybe some other time, but I just did not want to spend my money on that.

In Charleston we shopped in the market downtown. I didn't buy very much. I found an $8 bracelet that I decided to buy because it has a scripture on it I like. "For I know the plans I have for you ," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. I like that verse because it is a promise to me that God's plans will not harm me but give me hope. So, no matter what I am going through in my life, I can be confident that God's plans for me are not to harm me.

We also spent a few days at the beach. I got stung by a jelly fish around my ankle. That was not fun at all! Luckily it wasn't too bad because by evening you couldn't even see welt marks anymore. I love the beach! It can be 100 degrees and the breeze always keeps it comfortable.

On Friday we went on board a retired Navy aircraft carrier. I don't recall the name but I can tell you it was not the Saratoga because that was Ross's carrier that he was stationed on when he first went into the Navy 21 years ago. This was similar to his though and it was fun having him share different features about the carrier and some of his memories from much younger days.

We also went to see the Angel Oak tree. It was massive. Not super tall but spread out all over the place. Its limbs were so massive they were supported by steel poles. It is estimated to be 1400 years old. The picture of Ross and Georgetta near a small portion of the tree.

We also drove around Daniel Island one day to look at this very expensive planned neighborhood. There were some beautiful home with lots of new construction still happening on the island. I got a couple of pictures of I think these are Egrets (spelling is a total guess) and also some nice flowers.

Oh, I almost forgot. On Saturday before we left, Ross's niece Amanda made sure I got to have me some sushi and it was yummy. I couldn't get Georgetta or Ross to try any of it, but they were able to find some chicken teriyaki with rice they could eat so all was good. Other good news - I lost 2.5 pounds when I got back from vacation. WooHoo!

I really had a very nice vacation. It wasn't long enough, of course they never are. But we all need to take time away from every day life so that we can rest, relax, and laugh our cares away. Even God rested from his work on the 7th day.

Watching my friend solo!!!

2008-07-26T21:01:00.009-04:00

I was able to watch my friend, JT, solo for the first time on Wednesday. Way back when, I had talked to JT about flying, peaked his interest, and his wife had given him an introductory flight as a gift. I watched as he progressed through the first part of pilot training, talked with him as it progressed, and even helped with finding a new CFI (flight instructor) when his first one left the area for a flying job. All that hard work paid off, and I was privileged to watch him take those first steps in this exclusive club of people that can fly an airplane. It was pretty awesome!!! Airplanes take off real easy....you point them down the runway, apply power and they will fly themselves off the ground. Putting them back on the ground, with the intent of using them again, takes a little bit more finesse!

It was neat to watch as he made his first three landings with Rick, his instructor. On the third landing, they taxxied over to the ramp, and Rick gets out of the airplane, walks away and it was just his to do now. I remember when I soloed my plane. It was March 30, 1980. I had grew up near an airport, washed airplanes for rides, and when I started making some money, started taking flying lessons. A friend of mine was an instructor, taught me for free, I just had to pay for the plane. That day to solo was a pretty nice day and I remember we were practising some landings, and after one of them he had me stop at the ramp, said I'm getting out here, take the airplane around the 3 landings to a full stop, and I will watch you from here. It was a pretty neat but scary feeling to look over to the right seat and not see anyone there. It was now totally in my hands.....One thing about an airplane is that once it take off, it will eventually come down. Either I was going to bring it down, or it would run out of fuel and come down on it's own. The adrenaline of the moment when you take off by yourself kicks in, and you know in your heart that you can do this. I'm sure that's what was going through JT's mind as he sat there ready for takeoff. I do remember my first solo landing, it was so pretty, It may have been one of the smoothest landing I had made up until that time. As I watched JT takeoff, it was reminiscent of being back in the cockpit by myself again, going through what you have practised. Flying is going through the same motions, the same way, every time. Don't ever let the plane take you to where your brain has not already been!!!!

(Some early pictures of me checking out my plane before flying. Check out the white bell bottom pants, I even had hair in those days, but I was cool dude, wore a flying cap and had on avaitor glsses, had to look cool for the chicks!!!)

As I watched JT take off, fly around the pattern at Clearmont County airport and come in for his first landing, it was neat to be there and take video of it. I don't have any video of my solo, and the picture of that day is gone. Even though I did not teach him to fly, I did get to take a little pride in watching him have his day. Even Rick, his instructor had a big grin on his face. He just started teaching flying, and JT was his very first student to solo!!! When he had finished the three landings, he taxied back to the ramp and shut the plane down. You cannot imagine the grin on his face. There are millions of people that can drive a car, but very few people that can fly and airplane. Welcome to the club!!!

Another tradition when you solo is to have the tail of your shirt cut. In the old days, planes were tandem trainers, the instructor sat in the back and tugged on the students shirt to help him along with his training. Cutting the shirt signified that the confidence level is there that the back of the shirt is not needed anymore!!! I also had my shirt tail cut when I soloed, but it has been lost through the years. I'm sure JT will keep his for a long time.

It's a great accomplishment, way to go JT!!!!!

Baseball Game!

2008-07-23T21:15:00.002-04:00

We went to to see the Reds play the Mets at Great American Ball Park. It was Fidelity night. Denise had sent in an audition tape to sing the national anthem, but was not picked....I thought she would have done a great job!

Anyway, we had a great time with Aaron, Sarah, Austin and Sean (Aaron's friend). As you can see from these pictures, Austin had a great time cheering, and much to Denise's chagrin, brought his whistle! evertime something happened and people cheered, he blew the whistle and she rolled her eyes! There is nothing like being a grandparent and having fun with your grandson!!!

Clutter

2008-07-20T20:15:00.004-04:00

I have been checking out church websites as I get ready for my trip to Charleston, SC and found a cool church in Asheville, NC called the rock. The pastor at this church has a blog and on his blog he had a great quote he had found. In fact, it was so great that I decided to use it here as well.

“When the purpose of the room is lost, clutter inevitably follows”Peter Walsh

No wonder my house is always such a mess. All of my rooms have lost their purpose. We can start at the entrance. Now one would think an entrance could pretty much stay nice without much effort at all. At my house that is not the case. My son works for a landscape company and cannot enter through the garage and remove his boots there. Nor can he remove his boots before coming in the front door. No he comes in and takes off his boots which have mud all over them that then gets dragged through my house, both upstairs and downstairs. I have brand new carpet in my house that is covered with his mud. He also drops his lunch box, his 64 0z. drink glass from Speedway and anything else that he is too lazy to put away. Now I know he works hard and in the hot, hot sun all day long, but I work hard too and have paid a lot of money for that carpet. He could do his part to take care of it. I have let him know he needs to figure out how to clean it up this week.

Needless to say, the entry seems to set the mood for the entire house because regardless if you go up or down the stairs from the entry way there is always clutter. Lets start with the upstairs, the part of the house I live in. You walk up the stairs to the open living room that also works as the ironing room or the eating area, the computer room - we have 3 laptops and they all get used in this room - it is the magazine room and the plant room and the TV viewing room. It also houses a tall counter top that holds currently, cases of Diet Coke and green tea, a cooler, a straw cowboy hat, aloe vera gel, magazines, bananas, buns, pretzels, a new serving platter, a small basket to hold junk in, an empty light bulb package and a lot of other clutter. Its no wonder I don't invite people over very often. My house is always a mess and full of clutter. I wonder how good the room would look if it was truly a living room where we watched TV with a counter that we occasionally ate at.

Then we also have in this same large space a dining room that has a large dining table and 8 chairs, good so far. Of course, the dining table is just another flat surface to collect more stuff. It has more computer stuff, Civil Air Patrol paperwork, sewing machine stuff, books, a computer printer and a photo printer, jackets, there is a case of water in the floor along with fabric, a wine cabinet piled with the bills on top. Its just a mess.

Finally the kitchen. We actually try to keep that room fairly straightened up if you don't count the counter that divides the room with the living room. I do not have enough cabinet space and my counters hold lots of items that do not really belong in the kitchen. Sometimes my camera is there along with another camera, a video camera. There are bill things like stamps, pens, bills. Sometimes dirty dishes, but we keep those changed out in the dishwasher pretty regularly. Near the back door is the trash can which usually has empty pop boxes or other empty boxes stacked near it.

The front guest room stays made up because it is for guests and is pretty much unused unless my family visits. Its amazing a room with a purpose and it is clean. Novel thought.

My used to be office which is now the storage area for tins, quilts, and coffee mugs from the living room/dining room/kitchen, scrapbooking supplies, beach towels, magazines, books, photos, Cd's, filing stuff and major clutter. I hate to even enter the room anymore.

My bedroom stays clean because I cannot sleep in a cluttered room. I keep up with my bathroom as well. My closet is way too small for 2 people to share and so it always seems a mess to me even though my clothes are hung color coded. I have no idea why, but that is how I like them. I have clear boxes for my shoes, but no shelf space to keep them on and so much of the time my shoes are not in the boxes they are all over the floor. Other than the shoes though the closet isn't too bad because it is so small we have no choice but to keep it in order.

Needless to say I am in total agreement with the no purpose becomes clutter statement. Guess what? I am going to get a purpose for each of my rooms again. I am going to get rid of stuff I don't need and only keep the items that have a purpose. I'll have to keep you posted on how this is going. I'm sure I'll love my home more once it becomes clutter free!

Charleston!

2008-07-12T21:25:00.004-04:00

It's almost time to leave for Charleston, SC for vacation. I am so excited! A whole week of fun, sun, and relaxation! I better work on my tan a little tomorrow.

I'm checking out some things to do on line and there are so many different things I'm having a hard time figuring out what the best stuff will be. I'm pretty sure we are going to stop off in Asheville, NC on the way down at the Biltmore. You can rent a Land Rover for a few hours of off road riding on the grounds of the estate. That will be fun! We were going to tour the estate and grounds, but are now undecided. Its $50 each and that just seems a bit steep to me for a few hours of wondering around. I may change my mind once I am there, we'll see.

I know we are going to do some beach time. I love the beach! I should live at the beach! I like the sand between my toes when you lay out on your towel. It is so soft. I love the salt water of the ocean. I love the hot sun and the cool breeze from the water. There is nothing like the ocean!

I noticed there are some mini boat excursions that take you over to Fort Sumter for a tour. That would be interesting. There is also a park that has wine tastings on Wednesday evenings, so that will be fun as well.

It is so fun. I like to plan, in very minute details, everything we will do every day. Second best would be to at least know all of my options and things I might want to do and what days. I at least need to know some things of interest that are there. My friend Ross on the other hand says we don't need to plan anything we'll just decide something to do each day. I think it is going to be a pretty comical trip. He should see the itinerary I created for just a 4 day trip to San Francisco in January with Dennis. It was multiple pages long with detailed maps from map quest that took us from stop to stop to stop. I had the flow of events planned out in order to spend as little time in the car as possible and more time doing what we wanted to do. I am pretty pitiful. I imagine if I had a stack of papers that were the itinerary for this trip he would probably trash them before we left Kentucky.

I am getting so excited about getting to travel somewhere new. I love traveling and I especially love exploring places I haven't been before. I love dining in local restaurants. I love trying new foods. I love adventurous things. The other night I was watching the travel channel on TV and Myrtle Beach has the slingshot ride that looks really fun! If I can find one anywhere near Charleston I am going to make Ross ride it with me. They have you in this cage like device all strapped in and attached to the ground. Then when you are safely hooked up the unlatch the cage from the ground and the bungee cords that are attached to both sides of it boing you straight up into the air and then you bounce up and down for a few minutes. Its kind of like a reverse bungee jump. It will be a blast!!! I just have to find one now.

I'll get to drive a big honking truck on the trip. We are driving to Charleston in a Honda Ridgeline truck. I'll be able to see all over the place. I feel like I'm in a monster truck when I just ride in it going to Oriental Wok (the best restaurant in Northern Kentucky) for lunch. It is huge compared to my little sedan.

It is going to be a fun trip. I am counting down the days until I leave. I'll have to make sure and keep you all up to date on my adventure. Enjoy each day of this life - its the only one you get and when the hourglass runs out of sand you'll have no regrets!

Family Visit

2008-07-09T21:46:00.006-04:00

My family came to visit for the 4th of July. Normally you would think in Kentucky, in July, it would be pretty cold, but no, it was rainy, lots of rainy, all day and cold. I wore my hoody the entire day. We were supposed to swim the whole day. Since we knew it was going to be cold and rainy, my mom and sister and I made the 2 hour drive to see Nathan. He knew they were visiting and was worried all week would they come to visit him.

Dennis and I visit Nathan every other week so he knew we were not planning on coming down, but he was hoping to get a visit from his grandparents and Darla. He even called us on Friday morning, very early to see if someone was going to be able to visit, so we decided to go down and spend some time with him. I'm glad we did because he was really happy to see us. We got a picture of all of us taken. He should send it to us in a week or so. They had a grill out for them for the 4th and he was able to get a couple of grilled burgers before we got there. He said they were really good, so we just had some sweet stuff instead of a full meal out of the vending machines. That was fine with me, I didn't want him to miss out on a good burger cooked on a grill just to visit with us.

On the way home I stopped at McDonald's and got a $1 iced tea - the huge glass - and a hamburger. I am trying to get my extra weight off, but it is taking me a long time. I didn't want to blow it at McDonald's though, if I'm going to mess up, I want something really good!!!!! Maybe my homemade chocolate cake with chocolate butter cream icing or a cinnamon cream cheese square. Both of these I would make myself, and both are yum-mo!

On Saturday the weather did get a little nicer. I still did not get in my swimming pool, but I didn't have to wear a jacket all day and Gabriel and Austin both swam for quite a while. We went up to the weekend festivities downtown to let the kids ride some carnival rides in the evening and then took in a great fireworks show once the sun set for the evening. It ended up being a pretty nice day.

On Sunday, everyone needed to leave to get back home. We went to Crossroads and caught the last service of the morning and then stopped off at Sam's to get some stuff. They had some fresh Salmon and so we bought a small piece and grilled it. It was sooooo good. We eat salmon out a lot and I love it in sushi, but this was the first time we cooked it our self. Dennis did a great job, it wasn't overcooked, it was cooked just right.

It actually was warm and sunny on Sunday afternoon and I got into the pool for a little while and started reading a book. All in all the weekend was alright. I wish the weather had been nicer, but it was what it was. I'm glad I had the weekend to spend with my family.

Random Thoughts

2008-07-07T21:35:00.003-04:00

I guess my friends are actually reading my blog because I was reminded today that I hadn't updated my blog since June 22nd and they were ready to read something new. So this one is going to be just some random thoughts.

1. I wish Christ followers acted more like Jesus did.
I have something that has really been bothering me recently about some religious people. I say some because I know there are those who claim to be Christ followers who actually think like Jesus did. On the other hand, there are those who try to be God and judge people. Sometimes they judge people just because of the color of their skin. Sometimes they judge people because they have different sexual preferences. Sometimes they judge people because they are too rich or poor. They actually try to rank sin. As if God cares if its a little sin or a big sin. The last time I checked in God's eyes, sin is sin. Its all the same. And if you are anything like me, we all have our own sin to deal with each day. So how would one even find time to worry about someone else's sin.

I am writing this today because I have a lot of gay friends. In fact one of my very closest friends is gay. It will surprise many people to know that my gay friends are also Christ followers. I also have a lot of friends who struggle with weight, including myself. It will probably not surprise most of you to know that many of my overweight friends are also Christ followers. I put this out there for you to really think about. Why are you surprised that a gay person can be a Christ follower, but not surprised that an overweight person can be a Christ follower?

I am not an avid Bible reader. I wish I were, but alas I fall short when it comes to regular Bible reading. But when I do read my bible, I find a few bible verses that talk about sexual sins and a find lots of bible verses that talk about gluttony sins. I wonder why its acceptable to be a glutton but not acceptable to be gay in the Christian community? I wonder why "Christians" aren't friends with people who are different than they are? If you do not have friends who are sinners how are you going to bring those who are lost into a relationship with Christ? If you aren't friends with people who have different beliefs than you do, how will you be challenged to really look at how you believe and ask questions and make sure that what you believe is true?

I have a couple of sins that I imagine I will struggle with all my living days on this earth. One I've already told you about, gluttony, the other one is pride and all of its ugly roots. We had a four week series recently at church that was all about pride and the ways it shows up in our lives. Its a deceptive sin, that pride is. Sometimes it doesn't even look like pride. Sometimes it tries to justify itself. But alas, in the end, it is pride, a sin. Pride always tries to compare itself to others. It ranks itself, always trying to be higher than or better than or bigger than. I have to constantly repent of pride and work on getting pride out of my life. Jesus calls us to be humble, the opposite of pride. Jesus calls us to love others just like he loves them. He isn't conditional with his love either. He loves us all, regardless of skin color, regardless of sexual preference, regardless of our sin. He just loves us.

I wonder what the world would be like if we all learned to be humble and loving. If we all spent our lives serving others instead of being critical of our differences. I don't believe God made us all different to be separated, I think he made us all different to be complete. To be unified. To be able to learn from each other and share responsibilities on earth. Just like on the job there are lots of people who work for a corporation and they all have different responsibilities and do different jobs for the same corporation. Each role is significant. Some may seem more significant or may have a more glamorous title, but each role is significant and is needed to complete the corporation. Life is the same way. We each hold a significant role and it takes each of us to build a better world. That means we need to love each of us and work together and build each other up. Stop wasting time on calling people names because they are different than you are. I'm sick of the name calling. It offends me when you say hateful and derogatory things about people.

My guess is that it offends God too. Especially since the very people you are putting down and judging are his creation. They are fearfully and wonderfully made. They are a masterpiece in God's eyes. In fact, they are the apple of His eye! Take time to make them the apple of your eye too!

2. Letting go and learning to depend on God has changed me and pulled me from depression.
Phillippians 4:6 (NIV) - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving present your requests to God.

The death of a child does a lot of things inside you. It makes you really examine things. It makes you decide what is important and what is not. It causes you to lose all focus and at the same time be so focused you could balance you entire body on one toe if you chose to. It causes you to realize you are not in control - even though you thought all of your ducks were in a row and all your "T's" were crossed. It also makes you want to grip with white knuckled tightness everything that remains in your life that you treasure. And if you are open to it and allow yourself to let go it will free you to live a life that is full and honorable to God.

Give Up Control - Honestly, you really don't have control anyway, so admit to yourself that you don't have control and then let go. When Ian died and then I watched both of my other sons go through deep depressions as they were grieving I remember thinking if I don't do something I am going to lose all three of my sons. But truly, what could I do? I felt like I had lost two sons. Nathan had already been in prison for 17 months and even though I can visit him and talk to him and hug him, he is not at home and will not be here for a long time. I remember wondering how will my third son be taken from me. I just wanted to hold on to him with every bit of strength I had. I wanted to protect him from any harm that could happen. I wanted to scream at God, "NO, YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM FROM ME TOO!" And yet, I knew that no matter how tightly I tried to grip him, if it were his time to go I had no power to stop it. And I learned to let go and give up control.
Trust God - I went through a phase where I didn't trust God, in fact, I wanted to blame God for all that was going on wrong in my life. After all, He was supposed to be all powerful and He was supposed to take care of me because I was a Christian. So where are you God? But then I read a book, Is God to Blame by Greg Boyd. WOW! It really opened my eyes to the power of prayer; How the earth is the devil's reign and all of the evil around us is because of him, not God; and How we are called to love God and love others - that's it. It also really made me consider that if Jesus was the image of God, and Jesus loved people and healed them, then God's desire was to love people and heal them. So, why was I blaming God for something that was not his desire. Somehow in the midst of all my pain, I learned to Trust God, even more than ever before.
Thrive Where You Are - This is a hard one. When you feel like you are in the very bottom of your swimming pool and there are huge rocks piled up on top of you holding you down there it is very hard to thrive. In fact at that moment it is hard to even survive. This was a dream I had one night. The next morning I received my Air1 verse of the day, Isaiah 43:2a "When you pass through the waters I will be with you. And through the rivers they will not over throw you." In my darkest hour when I thought there was no hope left, God was with me. I knew then that I would not only survive this, but I would learn to thrive where I was. If I am in a bad place, I will look for some shred of hope that I can focus on and thrive. I will look for one person who is in need and reach out and help them and show them love. And I will find joy some how, some way. I will thrive right where I am.
Take Joy in Each Moment - When I examine my life, my dreams, things are not at all as I had wished for them to be. Somewhere along the line my plans did not happen because I am sure that my plans included three sons around me for a long time with lots of grandchildren and right now that is not what I have, nor is that something I will get a later date. That plan is gone. And there is a lot of pain in the fact that my dreams are shattered. They are just shards of glass that cannot ever happen. But you know, I had 20 terrific years with my son Ian. So far I have had 25 wonderful years with my son Aaron and I anticipate many more. And I have enjoyed 20 fantastic years with my son Nathan and I can hardly wait for his return home. When I have memories of my children they actually bring a smile to my face and sometimes I can even laugh out loud. I am thankful for each and every moment I have had and am continuing to have with my children. I am thankful for each moment with my husband who has shared all the ups and downs of marriage and parenting with me. I am joyful for each moment I am alive! Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning! I am living in the morning!
Be Blessed - Each day you are alive is a gift, enjoy it and be blessed! Find someone to do something good for each day with no expectations in return. Say something kind to someone today. Give away some of your money to a person or an organization that is in need. Volunteer for a charity. By pouring out blessings on others and loving others you will learn to see them as Christ sees them, masterpieces that he has created!

3. Read Good Books as often as you can - my current read is: The Traveler's Gift by Andy Andrews. I have read this book before but it had been a couple of years ago. I had sent a paperback copy to Nathan for him to read while he was in jail and when he was transferred to prison he had to box it up and ship it back home. I was going through the box the other day and found the book and decided to read it again. What a fantastic book about decisions we make in our lives! The story is about a man named David Ponder who was really down on his luck and wanted to end his life, in fact he even tried to, but then he traveled through time and met some pretty significant people like, Abraham Lincoln, King Solomon, and Anne Frank, who each had a specific piece of information for him to ponder such as: Accepting responsibility for our past; Actively seeking wisdom; Choose to be Happy. I don't want to share all of the story with you but I will say it is a wonderful, wonderful read that I recommend!!!!

OK - I am out of thoughts and it is getting very late so I am off to dreamland!

Skydiving

2008-06-22T09:06:00.018-04:00

Everyone should go skydiving at least one time in their life just because it is one of those things everyone should try. It can help you overcome fear. It gives this huge adrenaline rush! You can see God's beauty from a new perspective.

Yesterday I went skydiving again. It was my second time. My son Aaron turned 25 earlier this month and he had been telling us for several years that he wanted to go skydiving sometime. Since he is getting married next year and this was a pretty big birthday we decided to take him skydiving for his birthday. We attempted to go 2 weekends ago but that was the weekend of all the storms in Indiana (where we go skydiving) and so they cancelled on us. We wanted Austin to get to watch his dad, so we rescheduled for this weekend and it was perfect. The weather was amazing. Beautiful clear blue skies all around, upper 70's, sunny. It was breathtakingly beautiful.

So we headed up to Greensburg, IN, its a little over an hour from home. Austin did not know what we were doing until we were at the airport and even then he couldn't believe we were going to jump out of an airplane. We watched a video; Initialed and signed a book full of I will not sue you if something happens to me paperwork; paid our money; and waited to hear our name called.

It wasn't to long a wait, especially since there were jumpers coming in and so we walked outside and watched all of that going on so the time passed fairly quickly. After our tandem partner called for us we went inside as they harnessed us up. They fit very snugly and I mean very tight in not fun places for things to be tight. As they are tightening our straps on our harness they are also explaining the jump and what will happen when we first jump out of the plane and as we are falling and how we will land.

After we were harnessed up there was a load that went up before ours so we waited about 35 minutes. There are lots of things to watch while you are waiting. They are folding parachutes and putting them back in their packs. That was really interesting to watch. Every step is carefully followed in a specific order every time. It is very methodical. And for all the steps needed to accomplish the repacking it was very cool to see how quickly it could all be done. I bet the girl we were watching probably packs about 40 parachutes maybe more in a day. She did not stop and she was super fit. Its not a job for wimps that's for sure.

There are jumpers coming in from Load 3 so you can watch that. There are just so many fun things to watch you do not get bored. Then we hear Load 4 time to head to the load area. So we are off getting ready for our plane so we can get on board. I was the first one on the plane which didn't thrill me at first, but that meant I was the last one off the plane and I was the last one on the ground and my tandem partner took his time and really let me enjoy the ride. Aaron was about 3 jumpers in front of me. He was so excited. It was great seeing a big genuine smile on his face. Its been a long time since I have seen that from him. He was so excited to finally get to do something he had been wanting to do for years. I am so glad we were able to provide this opportunity for him.

The jumping part is amazing. I actually enjoyed this jump better than the last time but I was also more afraid this time than the last time. Here's why: On the first jump I was expecting that stomach drop feeling like when you are going up and down the hills on a roller coaster at an amusement park. I am weird and I love, absolutely love that feeling. So when that didn't happen I was a little disappointed. This jump I knew it would not happen so I didn't anticipate it.

I also wasn't distracted by the cameraman. We decided to video Aaron and not me this time. When we were ready to jump I wasn't looking up at the camera and smiling, no I was looking out at this vast space with nothing but farmland 13,000 feet below me. I am on my knees at the mercy of my tandem partner on when we actually leave the plane. I was thinking OK let's jump already. We had already discussed the initial departure from the plane. We would jump straight out, turn away from the plane, and then do a back flip. Once we left the plane I was great!

I forgot how hard it is to breathe when you are falling straight to the ground at 120 mph. He had told me to look down at the ground to be able to catch my breath and I remember tucking my chin down and down and thinking how far do I need to tuck my chin I think its making an indention in my chest. I finally got the right place though and could take a breath instead of making this awful sucking, face puffing out all over from the force of the wind, noise that wasn't breathing. About the time you figure it all out its time for the chute to be opened. You fall for a full minute, that's a long time when you are dropping as quickly as you are but you are still a long way from the ground so you don't freak out or anything.

You get a warning about the chute being opened and the next thing you know there is a pull and your body feels like it shoots straight up in the air and then there is silence and calm and you are free to look around and enjoy the ride. Once your chute is opened, they can loosen the harness a little bit and make you more comfortable. They work that one strap at a time. I got to help steer this time, I don't remember doing that the last time. It is actually very easy to maneuver. I'm sure there are lots of aerodynamic things you need to understand, but it was cool getting the feel of the chute in your hand. Especially when we were trying to get down and steer or change directions you could really feel how the slightest pull on one strap or the other made a big difference.
When we finally got close to the ground I was able to wave at Austin and Dennis from the air. Dennis was taking pictures for me because I wanted lots of pictures. Scrapbookers love pictures. The landing is pretty easy. They come in at an angle so that by the time you are at the ground you can walk forward. Grace still falls to her knees, what can I say, but if you can keep your balance you could easily land on your feet. I loved it, this time even more than the last time. I think if it weren't so expensive I might learn to do it without a tandem, but since it was three years since my last jump, maybe not. Maybe I'll just do it every once in a while because I can.

We watched Aaron's video when we got home last night. He was loving it!!! You should see the grin on his face. If you get a chance you should watch it. It is great. Dennis took most of the photo's that I am posting today.

Here is my first jump in 2005. Dennis and I flew his plane to Greensburg, jumped together and flew back home.

The most special moment of the day occurred when we were finished and walked back into the hanger. Almost immediately the Pink Floyd song that we played at Ian's funeral, "How I wish you were here" began playing. All of a sudden it dawned on me that at the time I jumped out of that plane I was as close to heaven as I can be here on earth and I was as close to Ian as I will ever be again. Almost close enough to kiss his face another time. It was the most perfect ending of this amazing day. Just the thought that Ian may have been there laughing at us and then to have that song play was so special. There will probably be moments like this the rest of my life here on earth. And I am so blessed when they happen. Thank you God!

My thoughts are: Live life everyday as if it were your last and be thankful that you had the moment.

Father's Day

2008-06-15T21:52:00.003-04:00

I am not a father, I'm a mother. But Father's day is a family holiday so if something affects my family it affects me. I just decided today that I am really tired of how my holidays work now.

I didn't choose to have a son die. I didn't choose to have a son in prison. I didn't choose to have a son suffering from depression because he feels this is all his fault. Which it is not by the way!

Holidays are now spent with an early morning 2 hour drive to Northpoint Training Center to visit Nathan in prison. We get to visit for 2 hours with him and then we spend the next 2 hours driving home. Today because it was a perfect weather day we came home and spent the afternoon swimming with Aaron and his son Austin, Dennis and I, and Sarah, Aaron's fiance.

Sometime in the course of this lovely day I became agitated because I wanted Nathan here with us. I wanted Ian here as well, but I know that is impossible. With Nathan though, someday it will be possible and I was very angry that I am missing out on my whole family being together at holidays. I know, it is petty, but I can't help it. It makes me angry! All I did was raise my boys the best I knew how to do and love them. I did just what every other mother tries to do, MY BEST! My best isn't even in the ballpark I guess. I really just want my family together again. Nothing huge or spectacular, just together. I am tired of my holiday bliss missing parts.

After I got fried outside all afternoon in the pool, Dennis and I got dressed and went over to the cemetery to spend time at Ian's grave. Dennis got to spend time with all his boys he said. I just wish at least the two who are still alive could be with us together again on holidays. I am praying so hard for a miracle and Nathan can come home sooner than he is scheduled to. Its been 2 1/2 very, long years. You learn to adjust, you have no choice in the matter, but I am so tired of us not all being together.

Anyway - that was father's day here. Time with our three sons. Praying for when we can celebrate together again. Soon I hope.

Working on the commercial rating

2008-06-09T09:06:00.003-04:00

I am finally getting close to getting my pilot commercial rating. I have been working on and off for the last year to do this, more off than on. Last week I took my looooooooong cross county flight that I had to make. Even though I have oodles of time in the plane doing cross country flights with CAP, I needed a really long one to accomplish the requirements. One of the legs had to be at least 250nm long, and I had to stop at 3 different places before returning home. With the weather looking pretty good, I flew from Cincinnati to Fayetteville TN to London KY back to Cincinnati. Altogether it was about 500+ miles, and it took about 4.5 hrs flying time. It makes a difference if you don't have to follow where the road goes and you can fly direct over the mountains. It would have been a day and a half trip in the car, but that's the beauty of flying. I used the G1000 aircraft, with autopilot and XM weather, so when I ran into bad weather in TN and southern KY, it was really neat to see the cells before I got into them. With the autopilot, it was a matter of taking the airplane off the ground, twisting knobs and talking on the radio, and landing it!!! Almost not like flying at all. That aircraft will spoil you. I can see why sometimes airplane pilots may get a little bored with what they do, but I never tire of looking out the window and watching the world go by. Plus, I enjoy flying in the clouds and weather, so that day was an added bonus. I will give credit to Todd Hawthorne, my instrument instructor. He always picked the crappiest days to fly during the training, and because of that, I have a great deal of time of flying in clouds and weather and do not feel apprehensive about it.

I have a few more things to work on, need to take my written again (I took it over two years ago, but procrastination kept me from getting my commercial then) and I hope to have this wrapped up before the end of June!

Pool's Open and Getting Warm

2008-06-05T20:30:00.020-04:00

It is June 5th and the pool is warm enough to get into. It hit 90 here today. The weather is crazy. One week you are wearing jackets and close to scraping the frost off of you windshield in the morning, the next week its 90 degrees outside. I can't get it. Just make it summer temperatures and be done with it.

Two weekends ago for Memorial Day when Mom and Dad and Darla and Gabriel were here, the kids got in the pool just because they couldn't stand it that there was a pool and it was open so they must need to swim in it. It was cold that week. A couple nights it got into the low 40's so you know my above ground pool was not warmed up even slightly then. None of the adults ventured in the pool.

I did sit outside with Gabriel on Saturday and he swam for about an hour and a half. I have no clue how he stayed in the water so long, but he did. I had opened the hot tub, but he only got in there a couple of times for just a few short minutes. He had a blast and so I just sat out there and let him swim. The weather was beautiful that day, I would venture to guess mid to upper 70's. I can't remember exactly. This is one of the first pool pictures for Summer 2008. Isn't he a cutie pie?

Austin is so cute I just want to squeeze his little cheeks and give him a big fat slobbery kiss!

On Sunday morning it was just our family and we decided to go to the Butterfly show at Krohn's Conservatory. I had never gotten to go and really wanted to and it was something I thought Gabriel and Austin would like. Mom and Darla would probably like it too I figured and they did. The theme this year was China, The Silk Road so there were a lot of items displayed from China that represented their culture.

The way the butterfly show works is you enter this doorway that has two doors. Everyone must be inside the air lock with both doors closed. They spray watered down Gatorade on your hands. Then they open the inner doors to the exhibit and let you in. You are in this very large greenhouse like room with blooming flowers all over the place. There are some water features and small wooden structures. And flying around all over the place are butterflies. Hundreds of them. If you hold still enough they will land on you. They like bright colors a lot. The Gatorade was supposed to attract them, but I didn't notice very many of them landing on peoples sprayed hands. None landed on me at all and I was quite still. I didn't mind though because I was having fun taking pictures of everything going on around me including Austin, Gabriel, and Mom (sorry Darla, I don't know how I missed you. I guess you were busy chasing kids, someone had to, I was taking pictures).

The butterflies loved Mom's bright colored shirt. I didn't even think about wearing something that was bright and colorful. Note to self, next time wear something bright and colorful and take a bath in Gatorade before leaving home. Then stand still and let the butterflies swarm you and have someone take pictures of you! I love this picture of Mom though with the large butterfly on her shoulder. Cute shirt! Cuter Mom!

I should really go to the conservatory more often. There were flowers, plants, and trees from all over the world. It was beautiful inside. There was a waterfall, ponds, large turtles and fish, sculpture and stained glass art. It was very beautiful there. I will visit again.

When we got home, dad was planting my new perennials in my front landscape. I felt bad because his knee is really bothering him a lot and I worry about him. I was also glad because he is really good at that stuff and I know everything will grow really good. And everything is already. You should see all of my beautiful flowers. He also planted my 4 tomato plants along the side of my house. They were drooping pretty bad when he put them in the ground but now they look great and two of them are already flowering. I am watering them dad, daily like you told me too unless it rains like yesterday.

I planted some cucumber seeds on my back deck last weekend when I was home alone and it was a nice sunny day. I checked this evening and they are coming up already. I'm pretty happy about that. I love homegrown tomatoes and cucumbers. It will be yummy for me later on this summer!

Dennis and I actually got in the pool this evening. It was still 89 degrees outside when I came home from work at 6. It was roasting. Plus we needed to clean the pool again. The wicked storm that blew through here last night had the pool looking a mess again. You couldn't even tell it had been vacuumed just two days ago!

Oh, but I love summer! It is my time of year. I love being in my pool and walking around. I love sleeping on my lounge chairs. I love the warm sunshine and being tan. Now I know I shouldn't be getting so much sun, but I always feel better with a tan. I can't explain it. And sunshine always boosts my mood. It is by far the very best season of the year and it is finally here and I love it!

House Full of Prayer and Love

2008-05-25T00:02:00.010-04:00

My house is full tonight. Full of Prayer and Full of Love. I have friends from Mamelodi, South Africa, Julia and Ciyabonga, who came on Thursday night and will be leaving for home tomorrow after a jam packed day of events. Mom and Dad are here, along with my sister Darla and nephew Gabriel. I am blessed to have so many I am close to staying with me.

I have learned so much this week hosting my friends from South Africa. I am self sufficient and too often independent from God. My Mamelodi friends on the other hand, totally rely upon God to meet all of their needs. They are dependent on God. They pray about and for everything and everyone they come in contact with. They always greet me with "You are blessed!". I am blessed and I fail to see how blessed I am. I waste my time trying to fix everything and make everything just perfect in my eyes when it may not be what God wants for me at all. I waste time doing everything except talk with God and then listen for his response to me. I don't know how to depend on God to meet a need. I can pray, but somewhere along the line I have lost the need to pray. Have I also lost my need for God?

At this moment, as I am exploring all the things going on in my life, both marvelous and disappointing, it looks as if I have lost my need for God. Not on purpose. Not because I don't want God in my life. Its not that at all. I want God to be the center of my life. I want everything I say and do to revolve around God. In my mind I want all of God, but my heart is not moving in that direction. The bible says that where my treasure is, there will my heart be also. Honestly, right here and right now, I don't know what my treasure is and I don't know where my heart is. This saddens me.

I'm sorry God that I am living my life independent of you instead of in dependence of you. I realize now that the only way I am going to grow into the person you desire for me to be is to learn to depend on you in every area of my life. I know that this is going to be a difficult change for me to learn and to start making, but I want to start working on the change. I know that you love me and will help me. I know I will struggle with it. Just as strong as the part of me is that says, "Let's do it! I am going to totally depend on God from this day forward." There is another part deep inside of me that is fighting just as hard saying, "You can do this all by yourself. Look at how long you have been in control of your life. Things are going fine. Just keep moving forward as you were." God I place my life in your hands and I depend on you to guide every step I take.

What does this mean going forward for me? Does it mean that I will never do another thing again in my life without praying to God for guidance in the matter? Probably not. Ideally yes, that is the way it would be. But I am a realist. I know that I will most likely not change overnight. It will be a gradual change towards God as I begin to focus on the specific area to change. Each day I need to take at least one step towards God and totally being in dependence of Him.

I have an issue I am stressing about right now. I cannot elaborate on the matter in this blog, but it is very serious and potentially life threatening. I am going to start with this one issue and stress less but pray more. I am working towards less worry about a matter I have no control over and more peace as I rely on God to go to work on my behalf in the matter. God, you and I will be chatting a lot more. I am looking forward to depending on you.

I have really enjoyed having Julia and Ciya (pronounced see ya) in my house. I have enjoyed getting up early and preparing meals for them. I have enjoyed talking with them and learning about their family back home. I have enjoyed learning about similar situations to mine that they have either been directly affected by or know someone personally who has and they have prayed and can see Gods miracles manifesting themselves in these situations. They are helping me to grow spiritually deeper. I feel like I have not even come close to blessing them as much as they have blessed me. All of my blessings to them seem small in comparison to theirs. But as I type, the thought just came to me that I should not be comparing myself to others because God's expectations of me are not affected by others. They are not driven by what others do. They are between me and God and I need to drop the comparison thing right now!

I had chosen not to host a family from South Africa. I say chosen because I was the person who paired up our visitors with US families for them to stay with. I could have chosen to have any one I wanted be a guest in my home. But for selfish reasons, there is no other nice thing to say about it, I chose to not put anyone in my home. My reasoning was that if there were last minute changes needing to happen, I could quickly take someone in. But, in all honesty, I did not expect there to be last minute changes and I think selfishly I was hoping not to have to make the commitment that is involved with a person or people staying in my home. God had other plans for me and my home. On Thursday, Julia and Ciya were in need of a new home to stay in, and before I could think things through, I blurted out that I could easily accommodate two people. I do, after all have a 6 bedroom house. One room is pretty much out of commission, but there are two rooms that are open completely, and a couple more that we could shift people around and make room for guests. I obviously lost my mind for a split second there. It was a life changing split second.

I must pause and tell about our sightseeing day on Thursday because there were parts of it that were pretty funny. We had lunch at Finley Market. Its a great place where you can buy all kinds of fresh meats, cheese, fruits, veggies, etc. There are also some restaurants to eat at. We ate at Aunt Flora's Restaurant and it was so good. We had fish breaded in cornmeal and fried, corn bread, macaroni and cheese, collard greens, and apricot cobbler. Yummy! Flora actually came out to each table and greeted each of us before the meal and also at the end of the meal to make sure we liked it. It was a very nice experience.

From Finley Market we were bussed to the Underground Railroad Freedom Center in downtown Cincinnati for a guided tour. The tour guide was very good but our guests would have preferred to wander through the museum on their own I believe. I was at the back of the group kind of herding people along and keeping the group together. After about 30 minutes there were a couple of women who were just too tired to stay with the group. They had plopped down on the floor, kicked off their shoes and were going to stay there exhausted until we left. The pictures we took were pretty funny, and I had to laugh at their ability to tell us how they really felt. I convinced them to go out to the lobby so they could actually sit on a chair or bench and be more comfortable. They came with me to the lobby, but wanted to sit on the floor and so there we were, Evelyn, Lydia, and Denise, sitting on the floor of the Freedom Center overlooking the Suspension bridge and the Ohio River.

We chatted about all the things they had been doing since arriving in America. We talked about how tired they were. In fact, we spent the entire afternoon chatting about anything that came to mind. It was a lot of fun. I am glad I have learned to get beyond schedules and deadlines to a place of just making friends. I had a marvelous day.

On Friday we were scheduled to either be going to the Creation Museum and shopping, heading up for a fun day at Kings Island, or touring Jungle Jim's and then cooking for the African barbecue at the Bell's house. I was set up to go to the Creation Museum but none of the South Africans wanted to, so I moved hosts around to make sure we had enough covering Kings Island, and 3 of us set off to Jungle Jim's with 3 cooks. Jungle Jim's is a very unique place to go any day, but when you are with 3 women from Mamelodi it is even more exciting than normal. We were tasting all kinds of samples that were available. Leisurely walking through the store from area to area when they spotted them and went a little crazy. They found the chicken feet and tripe! They were dancing around saying, "This is what we eat, this is what we eat!". It was so funny to watch them. About this time a tour guide with a group of elementary children came upon us and was loving that they were so excited about what they had found. He was able to do an impromptu interview with them talking about what the food they had was and shared it with all the children. They got a lesson bonus that day.

In the same area as the chicken feet there were also pig heads, lamb and sheep heads, duck heads, pig snouts, and all other kinds of unusual foods that I really had not interest in at all. I was trying to figure out why a store would even carry heads of animals. It was pretty nasty if you ask me. At one point we met up with Pastor Titus. He had 2 carts full of food that he was purchasing for the barbecue. We chatted for a few minutes and then went on with our shopping tour. On our way back to Kentucky we were trying to pick a restaurant to eat at and one of the ladies said they wanted to Chinese food so I suggested my favorite restaurant, Oriental Wok to them. They seated us at a round table and we were trying to decide what to order. We opted to start with 3 appetizers to give us more time to review the menu. We tried the pot stickers, egg roll, and crab Rangoon. We passed the food around for all to share and it all tasted delightful as always. We also decided to choose 3 lunch entrees and split them between us all. We had Chicken Lettuce wraps, General Wong's chicken (my personal favorite), and Pod Thai Noodles (I think but I don't remember if I have the name right). Even splitting the entrees out over six of us there was more than enough food for us. It was fun to try so many interesting new foods at my favorite restaurant. Who was there: Evelyn, Lydia, and Sana from Mamelodi; Wendy, Patty, and Denise from Cincinnati. We had a picture made as we were leaving to remember the day!

Now on to the work. We were just around the corner from the Bell's house and our hands were needed to help prepare the evening feast for 140 people. There were 13 of us that I knew about chopping, peeling, shredding, slicing, or dicing. I shredded cabbage all afternoon. I believe 5 heads of cabbage, but after a while you lose count and just keep shredding. When the stomach lining of an animal is boiling on the stove it is the nastiest smell I think I have ever smelt. It was awful. Luckily by the time I got through the dinner line the tripe was gone and I didn't have to taste it because I think I would have had a hard time eating it. I did try the chicken feet that were boiled with water, salt, and curry. It was very bony and rubbery feeling in your mouth. The texture reminded me of eating the skin of the chicken but more fatty. It didn't taste bad, but there is not much to eat on a chicken's feet!

I learned a lot hanging out with the older women in the group. They explained that they didn't eat the various parts of the chicken because they liked them but more because they could not afford anything else. One night it would be the feet, another the liver, another the gizzard, another the intestines and insides, on Saturday or Sunday the would actually get to eat the meat of the chicken. It was a special day. When you have nothing else, you learn to adapt and eat what you have. They were thankful to have protein of any kind in their diets each day. Oranges and Peaches are cheap for them. Much cheaper than here. So they eat a lot of those. Rice is very expensive. They love it but cannot afford to eat it very often. They eat a lot of pop. It is a thick white substance similar in texture to mashed potatoes but it is made with something that tastes like flour or cornstarch and water. Its pretty blan, even with a gravy poured on it. But it will fill up a belly if a person is hungry and it is cheap. I am blessed to eat wonderful food whenever I want it.

Scrapbooking with Friends

2008-05-17T01:24:00.009-04:00

I love to work on scrapbooks. It is such a beautiful way to share your life and keep a historical record of all things life. I am currently working on my two trips to Mamelodi, South Africa from 2006 and 2007. Dennis and I traveled to Mamelodi on a mission trip with 300 of our closest friends in 2006, and nearly 600 of our closest friends in 2007. I have been collecting papers and other items to use in my SA scrapbooks ever since we started planning our first trip late in 2005.

I chose some very unusual textured papers. Some feel like rubbery rough skin, many are hand made papers from Africa. There are lots of colors, newspaper articles, plane tickets, itineraries, name badges, stickers. You name it and I probably have it. I am almost finished with year one. I had only about 2 pages left to do tonight, but I couldn't get them done by midnight. I may try to work on them tomorrow and get them done.

I have a lot of pictures from our trips. I thought I would be able to record both trips in one album but I was wrong. I filled up the first album with year one only. That's OK though because I am enjoying what I am doing. Most of my work is done at crops. This is where you bring your stuff and grab some friends and get together in a big room with lots of tables and work on your scrapbooks as you visit with your friends. Much like a quilting bee in years past, crops are a way to build relationships and be as creative as you want to be.

I spent this evening with my friend Kathi. She probably knows more about me than most people. She has been a part of my life since my kids were pretty little. She knows about the ups and downs I go through as a wife and mom. She knows when my job is good or bad. She has helped me get through teenage boys and all the troubles they can manage to get themselves into. She has known me fat. She has known me thin. She has been with me through surgeries and helped to nurse me back to health. She laughs with me, cries when she reads my blog or when my son goes to prison or when my son dies. She is the perfect friend.

Tonight we actually got to talk and laugh a lot. Not chuckles, but really good down deep belly laughs that make you snort through your nose. I can't even remember what we were laughing about, but it went on for quite sometime and it felt so good. I was singing silly tonight too. We talked about watches and her not wearing one right now which made me think about the Chicago song Does anyone really know what time it is? Of course I wasn't singing the correct words, they were made up words about Kathi not really knowing what time it is and not really caring or something. It was just silly and she laughed with me about it. I made up a couple of other songs over the course of the evening. They were all silly and fun. Tonight was the opposite of last Saturday. It was all things fun.

The pictures are from Crop for a Cure, 1-2007. The top one is of me busy working on a scrapbook. The middle picture is my friend Kathi. The last one is me being silly eating a cucumber at about 1:00 in the morning.

I was hoping it would be easier. . .

2008-05-10T21:57:00.012-04:00

Ian's 22nd birthday should have been today. I spent the morning with Nathan at the prison. Austin went with me. It was a pretty good visit. Nathan and I were both having a Melancholy day today. That was until Austin cracked us both up. I never knew until today that he is double jointed on one of his index fingers. We were all just talking and all of a sudden he has his finger inches away from Nathan's face showing him his finger. Nathan and I just busted laughing and Nathan kept saying that's nasty. It did look pretty gross, but it was really funny watching it bend in weird ways. It looked like it was broke or something. It was not normal looking that is for sure. It was so good to laugh. I needed it and Nathan needed it too.

We again didn't get to get a picture taken. This is the second time Austin has been with me to visit Nathan that we couldn't get a picture. The last time when we were ready for our picture the photographer got a visitor and then our visit ended before he was back to taking pictures. This weekend there were no pictures being taken. I'll get a picture of Nathan and Austin one of these days. Who knows maybe Nathan will be home soon and I can get lots of pictures with Austin and Nathan.

We are praying that God miraculously moves on Nathan's behalf and we can see him come home on shock probation. Please pray for a miracle. I really need him home. I miss him so very much.

This afternoon was spent preparing for Ian's birthday celebration. Dennis, Austin and I went to the Nursery to look at the concrete benches. About 3 weeks ago we were given the OK from the Union city council that we could put a concrete bench at the cemetery under the trees by Ian's grave. For me, I wanted to get the bench and place it out there today to mark Ian's birthday. Of course there would have to be complications. When we passed the cemetery on the way to the Nursery, they had resurfaced the blacktop and had the driveway blocked off. I told Dennis I wanted to go ahead and buy the bench even if we needed to wait a day or two to put in in place. There were many to choose from in many price ranges were available. I found one that I liked. I also purchased some flowers for home to plant tomorrow, Mother's day. I am hoping that Aaron will help me plant those tomorrow. He does landscaping so he will know best where to plant stuff.

We then went to Kroger to get some Captain Morgan's spiced rum and also some orange juice for those who were unable to take a shot with us. Then we moved on to the card and party store to get 24 blue balloons. I chose all blue this year so I could distinguish this years birthday from last years birthday. There were so many balloons that we could barely get them into the car with Dennis, Austin and I. I had to take pictures, it was really funny. We then stopped for pizza at Donato's, my favorite pizza, and I took more pictures of the balloons in the car. After dinner, we went on to the cemetery.

When we returned to the cemetery, the driveway was no longer blocked off and we were able to place the bench after all.

Dustin and Tara arrived first. They are expecting their first child, a boy, in 3 weeks. They are naming him Ian Michael Dill. Ian after my Ian and Michael after her father. I am thrilled that they are honoring Ian in such a way. Oh, but how deep my heart hurts that Ian did not father a child before his death. It took all the strength I had in me not to break down as soon as I layed eyes on them. I just love Dustin. He was Ian's best friend in the entire world. He is happy and fun and he so much makes me remember how funny Ian was. The feelings I have are so bittersweet. I am watching life continue all around me through Ian's friends, but his life is not continuing. There is no offspring from Ian.

Javin arrived second along with his girlfriend and baby Javin who is now 10 months old. I hurt. So very, very much, I hurt. Baby Javin is so cute. I took some wonderful pictures of him. Again, I became very aware that all of Ian's friends were reproducing beautiful life, but not Ian. This day became very painful to me. After we let the balloons off and took a couple shots of Captain Morgan, everyone took off and it was just Dennis, Austin, and me. I could no longer contain the grief I had been holding inside me. I just started sobbing. I miss Ian so very badly. I would be overjoyed if a sweet young girl would show up at my door and say to me, this is Ian's child. I so wish at least a part of him was still living on. But no, there is only death, there is no life where Ian is concerned.

I just cry out to God to help me get through these types of days. They are so hard. I never know when they are going to happen, they just happen and it takes everything with in me to keep going, to keep breathing. And yet somehow I do keep going, and I do keep taking that one next breath. And somehow I find the hope I need to live on. These are the days I grab ahold of God with both hands and cling to him so tightly that it feels as if my fingers will snap off. He is my hope. He is my strength. He is my peace. He carries me through these days. He loves me. He knows my name. God, the creator of the entire universe, knows me, Denise, and he loves me! I am His baby girl, the apple of His eye. Even more than I am able as a human to love my children, He loves me, and He is helping me through all of this pain and he will continue to help me through this pain until I move on to Heaven and live and reign with Him forever.

I realize this is a bummer of a post. It is very sad and painful. I don't want to end this way. I want all to know that most days I am doing wonderful. In fact, most days I cannot even begin to explain to you how well I am doing or why I am doing so well. I can tell you that when I decided to get baptized a year ago, as a proclamation to God, the devil, and anyone else who would listen, I boldly stated, "I'm all in God! I'm all in!" I meant it, with everything in me, I meant it. I will take the good and bad times and it will not waiver my trust in my God, my Father. I truly believe that when I boldly made that statement of faith, my God said, "This is my baby girl and I love her deeply and I will do everything I can to make sure she knows how much I love her." This is why I can say most days if you ask me, "I am doing magnificent!"

Thank God for Prison - April 6th, 2008

2008-04-24T20:32:00.006-04:00

This short essay was written by my son Nathan who is currently in prison. He has grown so much in the past two years. I wish it didn't have to be the way it is, but I love him and I am very proud of him. I hope you enjoy his thoughts and will keep him in your prayers.

Any man can curse prison, can hate prison.
A repentative man, a mature man can appreciate it.
To appreciate the clothes you wear, the bed you sleep in, the roof over your head.
The food, even though it be bad, are all provided.
For that you should be thankful.
For when you can be thankful and appreciative for the things you have, those that you love will become that much better.
You are thankful for the good times, now be thankful for the bad.
All things happen for a reason.
I am in prison for a reason.
I think my reason for being here is to learn.
To grow into the man I wasn't prepared to be.
I was young and dumb after 18 years of being free.
Now that I am free from distractions I have grown in the area I needed to grow.
I have grown closer to God.
So thank God for prison.

This is stuck on play on my MP3

2008-04-21T21:51:00.005-04:00

This is what I have playing on my MP3 player constantly.

The day is brighter here with You
The night is lighter than its hue
Would lead me to believe
Which leads me to believe

(chorus)
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
What does that make me?

My eyes are small but they have seen
the beauty of enormous things
Which leads me to believe
there's light enough to see that

(chorus)
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours

From glory to glory
You are glorious You are glorious
From glory to glory
You are glorious. You are glorious
Which leads me to believe
why I can believe that

You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours

From glory to glory From glory to glory
You are glorious. You are glorious.
You are glorious. You are glorious.

Life is hard. . .

2008-04-21T21:47:00.007-04:00

This weekend I went to visit my Grandma. She is in a nursing home. She had a series of mini strokes that have affected her ability to speak clearly what she is thinking. She also suffers from Dementia. Here is a picture from Thanksgiving 2005 of me, my mom Darlene (center back), my sister Darla (right), and my Grandma (center front).

It took her a short amount of time to connect in her mind who I was. My mom and I had to tell her several times before it made sense to her. But, once she remembered who I was, she also remembered about Ian's death and she started telling me about how she had been praying for me that God would help me. I was doing pretty well with my visit until then. When she started telling me about her praying for me, even though she has been suffering for a couple of years now with her memory, I started having what I have come to call, "a moment". This moment ending up going on for several hours once I left the nursing home. I tried to pull myself together as much as I could while we visited with her. Each time I see her now I always think it may be my last time to visit her and talk with her because I live so far away. I want to treasure each moment with her that I have.

I became very sad that visit because I wished that my Grandma had been in her right mind after Ian died. My Grandma would really know exactly how I feel. She too lost her son to drugs. I only wish I could talk to her about it. I wish I could know how she came through. I'm sure it was her faith in God just as my faith in God is helping me. But I sure wish I could have talked with her about it.

I remember when Ian first died and people were afraid to talk about how he died. My thoughts were, "It is what it is. If his death can help prevent another parent from going through what I am going through now, then tell his story." I don't know very many of the details about when my uncle died. I remember the death. I knew he died from a drug overdose, but not much more.

I am not afraid to talk to others about Ian's death. If someone asks me about it, I will talk and tell everything I can. I want children to live. I want a world free of drugs.

Great Song

2008-04-21T21:36:00.003-04:00

This is Denise's favorite song

Chorus:
All of You is more than enough for
all of me For every thirst and
every need You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You're my supply
My breath of life
still more awesome than I know
You're my reward
Worth living for
still more awesome than I know

Chorus:

You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
and still more awesome than I know
You’re my coming King
You're my everything
and still more awesome than I know

Chorus:

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can see
You are more than enough

The Pool is Open!

2008-04-21T17:08:00.004-04:00

We opened our swimming pool today. Although pretty cold, the water did not look too bad for the amount of damage the winter cover had to it. Now if we can just have some 80 degree days to heat the water, we may be swimming soon. Austin looks forward to this every summer.

Teaching Denise

2008-04-20T22:17:00.004-04:00

Dennis is trying to teach me how to use this blog site. We'll see how well I listen and remember what he tells me. Here is a picture from this weekend. I went to visit my Mom and Dad. I had a really nice time.

This is a picture of me on the left, my sister Darla in the middle, and my brother David on the right. We don't have any pictures of us together so we were out taking some this weekend.

Dennis is hassling me because I am writing too much information about the picture above. I like to write lots of details and he likes to write the cliff notes version. I'm leaving in the details because I can.

Cruising with Austin

2008-04-20T12:30:00.001-04:00

We took a cruise with Austin, Aaron and Sarah Davis to Cozumel, Mexico in April 2008. On the first night of the cruise, we celebrated Austin's 6th birthday by having the waiters bring him a cake and sing to him. From then on, evertime they sang it in the dining room, he was singing along with them to the point he could imitate them.

Ian Memorial

2008-04-18T12:37:00.003-04:00

This is the memorial we had published in our local newspapers for a remembrance of Ian. It has been 1 year since he passed away and we really miss him! [Click on the picture to make it bigger]

Here is one of the songs that was played at his funeral. I can't wait for the day when my imagination is reality!